Humour

[Deanofid]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[robwilk]

"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Rof}

Rob......

 

[steamer]

OK Dean....so aaaahhhh where you be living now??? Outdoors? :big:

 

[Maryak]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I love this, but Dean..................."You're a braver man than I am, Gunga Din." :bow: :bow:

 

[BAH101]

French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

 

[BAH101]

Drunk

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

 

[cl350rr]

Texas traffic stop

Seems a guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a darned thing..."

 

[GOOFY063]

Merry Christmas

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

 

[ChooChooMike]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Rof} Rof}

 

[maskell]

A drug squad officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the
fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge! Show him your BADGE !"

 

[ChooChooMike]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable...

 

[steamer]

Subject: Marine Stabbed at Best Buy by suspected shoplifter!

November 27, 2010

Associated Press



AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys
for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in
eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta
Chronicle that a man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop
under his jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines
collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed
one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be
severe.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with
two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations
and bruises he obtained when he fell, trying to run after stabbing the
Marine.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until
police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is
investigating.




Thank God for Marines!.... ;D

 

[robwilk]

;D Justice :big:

Rob.....

 

[Deanofid]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not."
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'll get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --silence--
HUSBAND: "Oops!"

 

[metalmad]

THAT LAST ONE JUST CRACKS ME UP ;D ;D

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabridge Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. This is bcusease the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanighuh?

 

[Metal Butcher]

Trout, your kinda startin early in the day, arnt ya. *beer*

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Trout, your kinda startin early in the day, arnt ya. *beer*

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." Unknown politician

 

[bearcar1]

"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to exit out of your vehicle and step to the side of the road please."


"But occifer, what makes you drink I've been thinking?" *hic*

 

[Deanofid]

"and inflames sinners,

Inflames sinners? Why would it inflame sinners? I mean while they're here... On earth, I mean.