Humour

[tel]

Shertainly I intend to drive, I'm too drunk to walk!

 

[Maryak]

Well,

My Xmas present came early. SWMBO borrowed ??? ??? ??? my camera.......................Now I have a new one

I have also been provided with a photography assistant.

Oddly enough her name is ZEE. :

Best Regards
Bob

 

[zeeprogrammer]

I have also been provided with a photography assistant.
Oddly enough her name is ZEE.

How did she happen to receive that name? And what's so odd about it? And where'd she get her outfit?

By the way, before I went to college...I was a photography assistant. Is true!

Treat her well Bob. Treat her well.

 

[arnoldb]

Rof} Rof} Rof}

 

[bearcar1]

Lol!! Somehow the thought of Bob and 'Zee' there, alone together in the shop late at night stickpoke woohoo1 (I hope that's your umbrella pokin' me in the back) flashed through my mind. ;D It wasn't pretty. :big: :big: Rof}

I'm sure that it does get lonely in the shop at times Bob, but a "Doll" ??? Oh well.


Happy Holidays

BC1
Jim

 

[Maryak]

Lol!! Somehow the thought of Bob and 'Zee' there, alone together in the shop late at night stickpoke woohoo1

Yeah when you put it like that it's a bit of a worry.

I'm sure that it does get lonely in the shop at times Bob, but a "Doll" ??? Oh well.

I think it's a spin off from when my father belted me for playing with my cousin's doll as a small boy and breaking the sleep wake mechanism for it's eyes. From memory one whack for each transgression.

Best Regards and Seasons Greetings
Bob

 

[seagar]

Oh well Bob, what ever turns you on........... :big: :big: :big:

Ian (seagar)

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Now I understand the interest in the tu-tu. :

 

[checkedout]

Inflames sinners? Why would it inflame sinners? I mean while they're here... On earth, I mean.

Most alcohol is flammable. I think that's what he means.

OH... and here's a little video about where I'm from: Portland Oregon.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE_9CzLCbkY[/ame]

Enjoy.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

That was great. I did enjoy.
Thanks.

 

[ChooChooMike]

Understanding Engineers One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[Cedge]

An unusual juxtaposition of events will take place in 2011: Both, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day.

Personally, I find it ironic. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication....The other involves a groundhog.

Steve

 

[bearcar1]

OOOooooooooooo :big: I take it you're not from PA then. ;D


BC1
Jim

 

[cl350rr]

Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lilly, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Noitoen]

:big: :big: :big: :big:

 

[rudydubya]

Understanding Engineers Nine

What's the difference between an Electrical Engineer and an Electronics Engineer?

About 100 volts.

 

[Metal Butcher]

Us happy go lucky, stress free, retired folks can come up with silly things to say at the spur of the moment.

My wife "Honey" is an avid gardener and spends a great deal of time moving her flowers around. I noticed her tools were getting rusty, old, and seriously in need of attention. The news paper indicated that Sears was having a sale on long handled tools, so I went and bought two of every style they had to offer and hung them up in a neat row along one side of the tool shed. Needless to say she was thrilled.

A few weeks later she broke a long handled shovel with a very small metal head (spade?) trying to pry under a large rock in an attempt to relocate it. No problem, its a Craftsman with a replacement warranty. So I took both pieces of the 'new' shovel back to the store. When I showed it to a clerk and he said "no problem we can give you a new one." With a puzzled look on his face he said "Can I ask what happened to it?" My response was "My wife is a Russian Body Builder!" When I asked her to marry me, she threw me over her shoulder and said, "Ve go now!"

The clerk busted out laughing along with a few bystanders that were listening in.

-MB

 

[Maryak]

"Ve go now!"
-MB

"Pashlee Dorogoy".....................not quite the same ring to it. ;D

Best Regards
Bob

 

[rake60]

An unusual juxtaposition of events will take place in 2011: Both, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day.

Personally, I find it ironic. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication....The other involves a groundhog.

Steve

Well I AM from Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney PA to be exact, Home of the Groundhog.

I thought Phil (the groundhog) would find this amusing. He didn't!

I didn't hear all of the phone call, but I'm pretty sure I heard the name Steve followed by
"Yinz guys gotta pay this man a visit."

I wouldn't worry too much Steve.
He's just a groundhog....


Rick

 

[Antman]

So there’s this blonde and she’s cruising around Johannesburg on the Concrete Highway (Ring Road) at way over the speed limit and a JPD traffic cop roars up alongside her on a big white Suziki with blue lights and a siren and pulls her off to the side of the road and asks her for her license.
Confused, she asks, “What’s a licence?”
“It’s that little thing in your handbag with your face on it.”
The blonde rumages through the clutter in her handbag, finds a small mirror, looks at it and hands it to the speed cop who happens to be a lady and also blonde. The cop has one look at the little mirror.
“Sorry, if I would of known you was also a cop I would never of stopped you.”

There’s this politician and he has to address a local political rally so he goes to his spin doctor and asks him to write him a tight 20 minute speech. After his rally he’s furious and goes to his staffer and fuming tells him,
“I was ranting and raving for an hour and a half and after a half an hour the people started shaking their heads and before I had finished they were walking out. What have you done to me!!”
“I did like you told me to, I wrote a 20 minute speech, I gave you the original and 3 copies like you asked.”


“My boyfriend had dandruff so I gave him Head and Shoulders.”
“ Really?” a moment’s pause, “How do you give shoulders?”