Humour

[Troutsqueezer]

This looks more like the one I encountered.

 

[GOOFY063]

I was out coon hunting one night and seen a 15 lb coon whooooooooop the fire out of 2 coon dogs and the coon had 2 22 cal, bullets in him, talking about mad. poor Ole dogs 1 lost part of a ear and the other a little nose and some lip

 

[kf2qd]

A 35 lb. racoon is about the equivelent of a 600lb. bear. Excepting the bear has better manners.

 

[Maryak]

A 35 lb. racoon is about the equivelent of a 600lb. bear. Excepting the bear has better manners.

Thanks Guys,

After all that, I sure am very glad we only have the cheese variety. ;D

Looks to me like a Tasmanian Devil on steroids.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Tin Falcon]

The average 35Lb racoon is similar in mass to the average 95 lb coon hound.
5 pounds of hide and fur ,30 pounds of muscle and bone, and 60 pounds of attitude.
But my pappy has been known to catch a young one from a short tree with gloved hands. No lyin' saw 'im do it.
Tin

 

[Deanofid]

I think you're getting the best of American folk lore concerning coons, Bob. They're kind
of ornery, but easily dispatched and commonly fodder for larger animals. A bear would not
pay one much mind, except in Walt Disney films.
Mostly, they're a nuisance, getting into the trash and things like that. Vermin, in other words.

 

[mklotz]

They can be vicious but they can also be cute and delightful. We live in a suburban area with enough green spaces to have some wildlife - coyotes, skunks, squirrels and raccoons.

On early summer nights Mama coon brings the kiddies up to the patio door of the family room. They stand there like little forlorn waifs, looking in at us fearlessly while we're eating or watching TV. You can almost hear them chorusing, "Got any spare garbage?" After a while they get tired of our inactivity and, in a line, toddle off to the side of the house where the garbage cans are located. Inevitably, these encounters leave me feeling guilty.

 

[tel]

You mean they don't eat grizzlies and rip Volkswagens apart? Another illusion shattered.

 

[fltenwheeler]

I had one as a pet. Great fun.

Tim

 

[Deanofid]

You mean they don't eat grizzlies and rip Volkswagens apart? Another illusion shattered.

Sorry Tel! Mostly they're "run away!.. run away!" animals.

Dean

 

[Maryak]

Guys,

Not only has my daughter a sense of humour but once again how right she is. :

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Tin Falcon]

Some of funnest use of language I have seen is in product instructions usually chinglish.
a few weeks back I ordered a cable crimper ,connectors and some cable for network cables I also ordered a tester.
here are the instructions on the card :
Warning: Forbid to use for cable with electric current.
Attentiono not use it beyond usage.
Do not change it on your mind.

push power switch at first. And then the power will light after setting up an electric circuit.

80 % of the info is basically useless. 10% helpful info, the other 10% is common knowledge.
I did use it to make a cable the tester does work and so does the cable after a couple attempts of crimping on connectors .
Tin

 

[cidrontmg]

Americans are quite adept also at useless instructions. From the almost inexhaustible stock of useless Microsoft messages, this is my favourite:
Keyboard error or keyboard not connected. Press F1 to continue.

 

[Tin Falcon]

yes: you are correct on that account as well . I recall reading a MSDS sheet for welding rod " The word "hazardous" in the term hazardous material does not mean the material is hazardous!" Huh ????
Tin

 

[Chazz]

So, I guess I'll save a few tax dollars this year by making a donation to Atheism.



After all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



They're a Non 'Profit' organization. :big:


Chazz

 

[Tin Falcon]

Quote from the history channel Universe Program " Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side a Dark side and it holds the universe together"
Tin

 

[rake60]

Here's one for all of the Grandparents:


Grandparents answer machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not available but, please leave
your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, press 1
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theatre
- start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

That SHOULD be funny....But......
scratch.gif

 

[ChooChooMike]

I like the sounds of groaning in the morning ..... to paraphrase a well known movie line :big:

Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 80 year olds

RIDDLES

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
"Look at the orange mama laid."

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.

What position does a monster play on a soccer team.
Ghoulie!

What do you get when you anesthetize a rabbit?
The ether bunny.

Why did the bull win a medal?
Because it was outstanding in its field

What do you get when you cross a potato with an onion?
A potato with watery eyes.

Why did the boy wear a wet shirt all day?
Because the label said 'wash and wear'.

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Left Bank": What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Use "Orthodox" in a sentence: Ever since my accident I'm either seeing the lawyers ORTHODOX. (Conrad Macini)

2 untruths = 1 paralyze

Book Title: "Bikini Exposures" by Belle E. Button (Willard R. Espy)

“Don’t eat too much, or you might end up in the hospital,” observed Tom patiently.

 

[M.Barry]

one of my favorite joke :

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

 

[dsquire]

Educational e-mails

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and a special novena/tv evangelist has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE When traveling in Canada I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


Cheers

Don