Humour

[ksouers]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]

 

[dgjessing]

What do lawyers do when they die?

They lie still.





(Sorry!)

 

[rleete]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

 

[wareagle]

Investment considerations:


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.



Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

[d.bick]

You know by today's standards none of us was suppose to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principals office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

[dsquire]

It is an unfortunate sign of the times but this comes too close to being true. Thanks for posting it.

Cheers

Don

 

[Metal Butcher]

"Many a truth, are told in jest."- Unknown

-MB

 

[rake60]

Bill is the town's oldest, most respected mortician.

One day he decides to open up completely to his best friend Bob.

Bill
"Bob, you need to come over and see the guy I'm prepping for display"

Bob
"I really don't want to see any dead bodies, but if it's that important to you... OK."

As Bob enters the work area Bill pulls the sheet off of his current customer.

Bob
"My God Bill, I've known you most of our lives. I never know you had anything THAT BIG!"

Bill
"You're missing the point here Bob. Not that big, THAT DEAD!"

Sometimes honesty hurts......

 

[Tin Falcon]

Warning sign down the road from the miniature horse farm.
"caution reduced steed ahead".
Tin Falcon

 

[Captain Jerry]

Here is a cool project. How about a team build?



We would have to design some kind of cyclical load to show off the sinusoidal repleneration.

Jerry

 

[Metal Butcher]

Team build... Yea...count me in!

Marv could clarify the operating principal, and George could draw up the plans.

I volunteer to make all the bushings. Oh, and to supply all of the cap screws. ;D

-MB

 

[Noitoen]

English please.

 

[steamer]

English please.

Rof}

We'd translate it for you if there was one...

 

[Maryak]

English please.

Это Бык экскременты :

There ya go ;D

Best Regards
Bob

 

[lazylathe]

HUH???

I love the "Magneto Reluctance"

I never knew they were reluctant??
Maybe there is a country of oppressed magneto's out there!!!

Andrew

 

[rake60]

Who needs a team to build that?

I'll make one. Be back in 10 minutes with photos....

OR NOT! Rof}

 

[Maryak]

Это Бык экскременты :

They say a picture's worth 1000 words.

 

[metalmuncher]

This will probably be understood better if you live in England, Keith.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with
the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts" he
replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment
as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab
started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he
had Allsorts..!

 

[Ned Ludd]

What a sweet story.
Ned

 

[robwilk]

This will probably be understood better if you live in England, Keith.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with
the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts" he
replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment
as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab
started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he
had Allsorts..!

Brilliant i like that one Rof}

Rob.....