Humour

[ChooChooMike]

I busted up laughing on this one (Ballard Street). Not that ANY of us can relate .....



Rof}

 

[rleete]

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.


A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

 

[rake60]

 

[Propforward]

Good value gifts for the practical person in your life!

http://propforward.smugmug.com/Other/propforward/i-6d5sgTs/0/XL/Hazard Fraught Page 3-XL.jpg

 

[Antman]

Last post a few months ago ... I reckon this thread deserves a bump.

So this guy really enjoys Chelsea buns and buys one at the local baker. As he's so fond of them he gets really peeved when he finds a fly in his bun and goes back to the baker to lodge his complaint.
"No problem, don't worry," sez the baker, "Bring it back and I'll exchange it for a raisin."

 

[Rivergypsy]

Here's a couple more to keep it moving

 

[rcfreak177]

I'm glad this guy loves trains as much as I like hobby machining.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lutNECOZFw

Baz.

 

[I. Klemetti]

I'm glad this guy loves trains as much as I like hobby machining.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lutNECOZFw

Baz.

Looking forward to see (and hear) a video of you machining.

 

[Tinkerer58]

Johnny comes home from school and finds his parrot dead in the bottom of the cage. When his dad came home he said, dad why when birds die do their legs point upwards? Dad said, well Johnny so God can reach down take them by the legs and lift them up to heaven. Next day when his dad came home from work Johnny goes, hey dad guess what we nearly lost mum today. Hows that Johnny?? Well when I was doing my homework I heard all this noise coming from upstairs so I ran up and as I peeked into you bedroom mummy was there with her legs in the air and yelled God I'm coming!!!! If it wasn't for our gardener holding her down we would have lost her for sure dad.

 

[aarggh]

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake with two more frogs!

 

[ChooChooMike]

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

Trust your calculator. It is something to count on.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

Talking to her about computer hardware, I make my mother bored.

I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.

My job at the concrete plant just seems to get harder and harder.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

 

[Tinkerer58]

This is a true story, ask any Aussie.
Farmer and his son were sitting at the breakfast table, the farmer goes "well young fella on Saturdee you're gonna be a man when you turn 21, so I'm gonna take ya to the big smoke and shout you a girl so you can become a real man. Now seeing ya still a virgin ya gonna have to practice."
What ya mean dad??? " Well son ya know the ole tree in the back paddock the one with the knot hole, every mornin before ya mum gets up go and practice on that."

Well soon enough Saturday came around and of to the big smoke they went. They walked into this classy joint with real pretty girls and they both sat on the plush leather lounge as the girls were marched out so he could pick one. He picked his girl and followed her upstairs and after a few minutes the farmer heard all this ruckus and screaming from upstairs, so he ran up and opened the door and said, " what the hell are ya doin son thats no way to treat a lady you can't be hitting her with the broom stick. Well dad you know how ya told me to practice on the old gum tree in the back paddock, I just wanted to make sure there were no possums in here cause the other day one nearly took the end off it during practice.

 

[Wizard69]

Retired man shopping with the wife:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Security was called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

I know many of you who know me are thinking that I was that guy.
I'm NOT retired yet!!!!

You know this gave me a huge chuckle because I can imagine guys doing the things listed above.

 

[Tinkerer58]

Well my wife hates taking me shopping, I'm one of those people when stupid young shop assistants rather take a call on their mobile while serving you and than have trouble counting out the change I just say can you please cancel that sale and refund me the money because obviously your friends and phone are more important than my custom so I'll go somewhere else and spend my hard earned money. Or when in a department store walking around waiting for someone to serve you and they are chatting to each other I yell at the top of my voice does anyone work here or is all this stuff for free!!!!!! And our hardware chain Bunnings is the worst, no one knows anything about hardware and you spend hours in there trying to get service. So I'm bad to go shopping with and have been band from our local Bunnings when they stuffed my kitchen order up 3 times and I lost 1 1/2 weeks of my annual leave.

 

[Lawijt]

Great & very stronge bridge:

http://www.prochan.com/embed?f=e53_1351184775

Barry

 

[slaurenson]

Understanding Engineers



Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog—now that's cool."

 

[Tin Falcon]

You Might Be An Engineer If...
—
You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
You enjoy pain.
You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".
You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".
You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
You think in "math".
You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
You have a pet named after a scientist.
You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
You can translate English into Binary.
You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".
You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
You are completely addicted to caffeine.
You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".

When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.
The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.
You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
You've ever calculated how much you make per second.
Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
You understood more than five of these jokes.
You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)
tin