Humour

[steamer]

...I feel so uplifted now....... : :big: :big: :big:

 

[Deanofid]

Now I have to go move my toothbrush..

 

[Maryak]

OLD LOVE

Could be confusing, you know.



I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.



I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind woman. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Rof} Rof} Rof}

 

[Tin Falcon]

ditto!!!!
Tin

 

[zeeprogrammer]

I learned something today.
The Dick Van Dyke show...one of the greatest sitcoms of all time.
Did you know the theme song has lyrics?

 

[dsquire]

Zee

No I didn't know. What are they?

Cheers

Don

 

[Artie]

I dint know that eirher...but I quickly found them..... ;D

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DW9BZnhhAs[/ame]

 

[dsquire]

Artie

Thanks :bow:

Cheers

Don

 

[Ned Ludd]

We have not had much in this Heading lately so,

Two expectant fathers waiting in Maternity for their wives to deliver are chatting about what sex their newborn will be. One says "I have got ten boys already, one more and I have a Cricket team" the other sighs and says "You are lucky, I have seventeen girls, one more and I have got a Golf course"
Ducking for cover, tin hat in place.
Ned

 

[dsquire]

The Bronze Rat

One of my favorite oldies, which I rarely see circulating in the wild…

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist. “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

Cheers

Don

 

[tel]

;D

Speaking of which;

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a type of fish!

 

[SignalFailure]

My racing snail has been under-performing lately so I took his shell off to give him some streamlining but if anything it's made him more sluggish.

 

[Maryak]

How True

Sometimes you are encouraged about the future when you see something like this.

Specifically, there is an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
I love this one
The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s**t by the clean end. "

 

[steamer]

How True

Sometimes you are encouraged about the future when you see something like this.

Specifically, there is an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
I love this one
The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s**t by the clean end. "

Bob....that person won the prize in my book Rof} Rof} Rof}

Damn,,,,I'm gonna hang that one up in my office.....

 

[steamer]

Here all week ......and try the meatloaf...right Pat?
:big:

Dave

 

[robwilk]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be
as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense
attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine
the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, .... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... Why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was
called.


Rob.......

 

[Tin Falcon]

Rob if we ever have a special recognition for best post to the humor thread I will nominate that one.
Tin

 

[robwilk]

Thanks Tin
I have lots of jokes in my collection unfortunately not many suitable for forum use . ;D
But here is another little story.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

Rob.......

 

[d.bick]

Grampa at the Supermarket




A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
b******** name is Kevin."