Humour

[Maryak]

Wot - No Flench Flies. ;D ??? ;D

 

[ChooChooMike]

My kind of stuff.
I wish my family appreciated it.

Get a new family Rof}

Marv - oldie, but goodie !!

Lester Creep!

The version I had uses Lester Cheats, lots of variations !! :big:

 

[cobra428]

Fast Joke and you've all probably heard it already

optimist=glass half full
pessimist=glass half empty
engineer=glass is bigger than it needs to be

ba da boom

Tony

 

[polepenhollow]

Hi Marv
I appreciate the effort of Literary or Classical references in a good Feghoot or Shaggy Dog Story.
There's just not that many out there.
I also agree that Caesar should be "ferried" and not "grazed".
Here's one for the Masses, myself included.

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event
happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep,
and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the
pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).
A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten
ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc.
Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field
and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the
ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get
out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others
decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock
the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured
the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram
bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up --
and the ram ran straight into the bailer.
The ram was spit out the other side of the baler as a mangled package of hay and ram. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him.
They were satisfied at leaving the farmer with “Two Swoops of Ravens on a Package of Kellog's Brazen Ram”.

Till Later
Ken

 

[ChooChooMike]

Ken,

As one who suffers from a terminal case of paronomasia :

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/paronomasia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Just when I thought I'd heard them (puns that is), along came this one :big: Rof} Rof}

Mike

 

[rake60]

Oh No!

I hate puns!
Especially these ones!

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Those things are just WRONG!

Rick

 

[rake60]

This happens all around the world.
Small countries think they know it all!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBwNwoDVT8E[/ame]

Sorry, but my twisted scene of humor found that amusing.
Rof}

Rick

 

[Artie]

Well, seeing as how we are showcasing our respective cultures... Here one for ya Rick..... 8)
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdg0moFYQoY[/ame]

 

[Maryak]

I enjoyed this one.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT
OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME.



SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED..

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

WART HOG......

ASKED................................. 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

 

[Maryak]

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL...................MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.

 

[polepenhollow]

I didn't write this.
I wish I were this clever
KL

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I porn surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot XXX galore'.
While I clicked my favorite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" Tis not possible I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
.... quoth the server, 404!

 

[rleete]

Jesus drove a Honda. The proof is in the Bible:

John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own accord

 

[myrickman]

This one always makes me laugh..
http://thereifixedit.com/

 

[rake60]

Don't Try This At Home!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xxCly6gvD4[/ame]

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Don't Try This At Home!

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that would be fun to do.
But if you do..."Don't stay at home"...

1) She has a stick in her hand.
2) She's in the kitchen with many different kinds of sticks. Especially single-tine forks.

I would never be able to go home again.

 

[John S]

Jesus drove a Honda. The proof is in the Bible:

John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own accord

Jesus ? you mean the elastic man.

It says in the bible he tied his ass to a tree and walked into Jersulaem.

John S.

 

[SAM in LA]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that would be fun to do.
But if you do..."Don't stay at home"...

1) She has a stick in her hand.
2) She's in the kitchen with many different kinds of sticks. Especially single-tine forks.

I would never be able to go home again.

Even if she didn't get you right away, you have to sleep sometime.

SAM

 

[rake60]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser
and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,

and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream.. It makes me look beautiful,'
replies the wife..

Her husband retorts:

'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

'On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

[d.bick]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Trevor. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
RON

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[Maryak]

OFFICE EQUIPMENT



A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.


"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"


"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.