Humour

[BAH101]

The pet store

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in, and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Servicing Monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The engineer paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's well worth the money.

With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that the customer exclaimed, "$50,000!!!! Holy smoke, what does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, mess with the girl monkeys, and play with himself, but his papers say he's a pilot!"

 

[rake60]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVS1UfCfxlU&feature=related[/ame]

 

[Donrecardo]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked..
'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!

 

[ChooChooMike]

Gotta love this one :big:

 

[doc-zeus]

The local Pastor was visiting a local elderly lady who was unable to come to the Sunday services anymore.

As he sat there chatting with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts, so he helped himself to a couple. As the conversation went on and on, he kept taking a few of the peanuts.

After a while, the Pastor realized that he had eaten all of the poor old lady's peanuts, where-with he began to appologize profusely!

She replied, "Oh! That's O.K., since I lost all of my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them!"

 

[putputman]

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio-mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Rof}

That was great. I sent them to myself at work.
I have a whiteboard behind my desk...
I intend to put some of these up occasionally...
For all to see.

 

[Maryak]

I enjoyed this one.



Best Regards
Bob

 

[SAM in LA]

That was funny.

That girl will end up managing a major corporation.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Rof}

Thanks. Yeah..it was good.

 

[rake60]

I'd put her on the payroll in a heartbeat! :big:

Rick

 

[Maryak]

Not quite in the same class but worthy of an honourable mention.

Boat Launching Procedures

I just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage this past weekend.

This is my first boat and I wasn't quite sure of the exact Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn't be too hard.

I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said “don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".

Well, I don't know what they meant by that as I could barely get the trailer in the water at all!

Anyhow, here’s a picture below. See for yourself. What am I doing wrong?

You’re going to love this guy!!!!!!!

They walk among us and they vote!!!!

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Paulsv]

Great looking classic whaler tho- With the mahogany center console, that would be a pre-1975 Whaler. Probably a Sakonnet or a Currituck. Very desirable classic boat.

 

[Jared]

A boat launch is a good way to get cheap entertainment on a summer afternoon.

 

[rake60]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwords they go to the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and
stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Any other day and I would have said I worry about you.
But today...I'm grateful. I needed that laugh. :big:
It was cheap mind you...but good.

 

[rake60]

Any other day and I would have said I worry about you.

My wife "worries about me" EVERY DAY!
Rof}

 

[skeeter]

Hi Rake. My wife worries about me too. skeeter :

 

[mklotz]

I won't spoil it with an explanation. Just watch it...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ[/ame]

 

[tel]

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

;D I heard a similar one, where the punch line was 'I'll keep an eye out for ya' - but not, I think, suitable for these family pages.