Humour

[Captain Jerry]

I just had a meeting with the broker who is going to represent my yacht. We were going through an inspection and discussion of the boat's particulars when I volunteered that the boat had just been thoroughly sanitized inside and out with full strength Di-Hydro Monoxide. This is the conversation that followed:

Broker: "Wow, that must have been expensive!"

Me: "Not so much. We did it ourselves."

Broker: "Isn't that dangerous."

Me: "I think so. I avoid it if possible, but I've actually seen my wife drink it. It probably wouldn't kill you but I don't want to take the chance myself."

Broker: "Where do you get the stuff?"

Me: "We keep it aboard in tanks. We can actually store 120 gallons. My wife uses it for all sorts of stuff. She even uses it to make coffee. Want a cup?"

Slowly his eyes narrowed and he stared at me for a few seconds as the lights came on. "Dammit," he says, " I was writing all that down." then after a few minutes with an erasure, he flipped back to the front of his clipboard and made another long entry, glancing at me all the time. He wouldn't show me what he wrote but I think I know.

Broker: "Can that stuff be mixed with alcohol?"

Me: "Can be. I prefer the crystal form myself. Want to try it?"

He turned out to be a good guy and I think he will remember where he was today.

Jerry

PS Di-Hydro Monoxide = H2O

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Marv...

typing...
from...
floor...

was...
great...

tears...
streaming...

must...
breathe...


Jerry,

and I think he will remember where he was today.

I like the way you put that.
It's great when people have a fond memory of something you may have contributed to.

 

[Tin Falcon]

Capt Jerry apparently some folks want to ban its use see below!!
and no I did not make this one up.

To: U.S. Congress

Dihydro Monoxide (Henceforth referred to as DHM) is a compound being used in products across the globe. Though this compound is relatively safe under the right circumstances, it is one of the most common causes of death or other accidents worldwide. Though it can be used safely, it can burn skin, and is deadly if inhaled. Farmers across the nation have been using this product on crops as a growth enhancement aid, despite the fact that it can cause massive damage to the crops and even BUILDINGS, which they justify because it makes the crops that aren't destroyed significantly larger. In addition, varying amounts of DHM end up in food products.

DHM is used in the processing of various non-food related products as well, because it can be used as an industrial coolant. This means a possibly industrial coolant is ending up in our food products without any warning to the consumer.

As of now, the government is ignoring the tremendous risks associated with DHM. It is a compund that we, the undersigned, feel should be restricted, if not banned, in this country. In addition, all products carrying DHM should bear a seal or label warning consumers of the presence of DHM in that product. Significant steps should be made to encourage farmers and manufacturers to avoid DHM, including some kind of incentive program for those who make their product DHM free.

DHM is dangerous, and should be eliminated.

Sincerely,

Tin Falcon

 

[mklotz]

Jerry,

You should send him a copy of the MSDS for water...

http://www.sciencelab.com/msds.php?msdsId=9927321

 

[Tin Falcon]

yeah and give a link to this web site http://www.dhmo.org/
tin

 

[johnthomp]

true storty a freind of mine who suffers from thalydemide was reading the firework instruction leaflet in november last year and highlighted us all to the first instruction light at arms length he then held out his six inch arms and said are they takeing the piss or what

 

[Tin Falcon]

Marv & jerry that same guy probably adds sodium chloride to his food too.
Tin

 

[Stan]

Marv: That sounds like Evan with an accent.

 

[tel]

Jerry,

You should send him a copy of the MSDS for water...

http://www.sciencelab.com/msds.php?msdsId=9927321

Hmm - fairly accurate - I'd dispute this bit tho'

Non-hazardous in case of inhalation.

 

[Deanofid]

Man, that was funny, Marv.
"the front fell off"...

At least their big island didn't capsize.

Dean

 

[Majorstrain]

At least their big island didn't capsize.
Dean

Thank goodness No, but the bottom bit fell off oh:.
We call it Tasmania.
;D

Cheers
Phil.

 

[Artie]

Funny skit but the damned thing did lose its nose... tanker called the Kirki (Greek) in 1991 just off western Australia dumped 17000 tonnes of crude and they did tow it out of the Aussie environment, not Aussie, not our problem.... doh.... the comedians are John Clarke and Brian Dawe, they have a lot of stuff..google em...

 

[mklotz]

Marv: That sounds like Evan with an accent.

ROFL.

Too true but we must be quiet. Evan probably has a bot crawling the net looking for any mention of his name so he can jump in and start arguing.

 

[Captain Jerry]

What a great day I had! I found this place in town that accepts visits by appointment only and today was my day! From the outside you would never guess what goes on inside.

While I waited for my turn, they served me tea and cookies and made sure I was comfortable. Nice music playing in the background, a little Bob Segar, a little Willie Nelson. When my turn finally came, I was escorted to a private room where I was told take off my clothes and relax.

In just a few minutes, I was visited by two beautiful young women. One of them a blonde with long hair and the other a trim little brunette with a friendly smile. The brunette was fixed up in a nurses costume, (one of my favorite fantasies) and the blonde was dressed in something that looked like green pajamas. Almost immediately the blonde came up to me with a can of something that looked like a can of whipped cream while the brunette watch anxiously by her side. She used the whiipped cream can with a practiced hand and just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, she stopped. Then she turned to the brunette and said, "get the camera, I want a picture of this. This has really gotten big. I'll have to do something with it." And she did.

When she was finished, I was in a sweat. As she was leaving the room, the blonde said, "That's all I can do for now, Veronica will take care of you now." And she did.

I'm going back again in 6 months and the best thing about it is Medicare paid for the whole thing. If that's not the way it goes at your dermatologist, try using your imagination. It helps a lot!!

Jerry

.

 

[johnthomp]

i went to visit my irish mate last week to see what renovation work he had done to his house when i walked in igasped blimey paddy your ceilings are high arent they
he replied yeah the missus wanted 2 rooms knocked into one !!!!
2 days ago i went for a job interview on a local building site he asked me a few questions such as
can you make a good cup of tea
i replied with
of course i can make tea
he then asked
can you drive a fork lift truck
i replied with
how big is the f***ing teapot
he then said ive got another one here for the same job and im looking for the best worker so ive got 2 forklifts outside both with 25 telegraph poles on them your gonna start putting them in the ground at one end of the road and murphy is gonna start at the other end
so i set off ive never dug holes and grafted so hard in my life at he end of the day back in the office the boss asked me how many i had done i said 3
the man exploded and shouted 3 murphy has put in 21
i replied with yeah but look how far hes leaft them sticking out of the ground though!!!!

 

[johnthomp]

a few well minded gents haveing drinks were discussing the creation of women and what kind of engineer god must be
the first man said he must have been an architectural engineer as to how he designed her body all free flowing curves verry pleaseing to the eye
the seacond said he must have been an electrical engineer as in the micro fine way the brain and spinal colum works sending electrical signals round her body
the third man exclaims he was a mechanical engineer due to her framework and how well all her joints work together
the fourth man now seriously pissed said he was a ****** civil engineer
the other men gasped in shock asking how the hell he came up with that theory
he replied with who else would put a recreational area right next door to a toxic waste outlet!!!!!

 

[rake60]

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

...Alright, that was pushing it, but you all know how I am!...

Rick

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Alright, that was pushing it, but you all know how I am!

Now I do. :big:

Okay everyone...time to rate this thread. Think movies...
Ah...that won't work...
pre-70 this wouldn't make it to the raters
the 70's might get you X
the 80's might get you R
the 90's would be PG-13
please don't tell me we've sunk lower :big:

 

[rake60]

Now Zee, how could a story about an old man having difficulty opening a jar
ever be X rated?

I think you have an evil mind...
Rof}

Real life is even better at times.
The kids were here for dinner tonight and my wife was changing 10 month old Damian's
diaper. She was surprised by a full demonstration of the "Fountain of Youth".
I'll admit it, I laughed out loud about that too.

Rick

 

[rickharris]

Any one recall when Health and Safety wasn't so much of an issue?

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Good parenting skills anyone?