Humour

[ChooChooMike]

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...

As we progress through to the start of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer keep plastic water bottles in my car because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW:

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider(Brown Recluse) and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

[rake60]

My wife thought this was hilarious.
I thought it was strange even by MY standards! :

Rick

 

[Norman]

That is just friggin nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ksouers]

And now I can never shop at Lowe's again!!!

 

[Maryak]

My wife asked me to go down the street and buy a bottle of mineral water.

This was in February in Novosibirsk Siberia.

As I was getting dressed and subsequently all the way down the street I am rehearsing..................

Adeen bytilka vada mineralka pazalysta,

Arriving at the shop, there was Miss Bulldozer Tractor 1998, all 200kg of her

Whilst she didn't have on the tights, she did have a big and I mean big white coat and a big white floppy hat.

She glared at me from across the counter and screamed in a deep and threatening contralto........... DA!!!

My knees turned to water, my carefully rehearsed speech went out the window, lastly I made a feeble attempt to point at the bottles of mineral water on the shelf behind her whilst holding money in the other hand followed by a index finger indicating I needed 1.

She reached behind and almost threw the bottle of water at me. Having retrieved said bottle I attempted to pay her.

Again I received a glacial stare designed to ensure hell freezes over followed by the scream of IDYEE, (which means go), whilst majestically pointing with an index finger, which would put your average crowbar to shame, in the direction of the cashier.

After some mumbling and fumbling with the cashier, I fled the shop feeling lucky to still be in one piece.

Don't ever complain to me about customer service in an Ozzie shop.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[dsquire]

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those ******* sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

Cheers

Don

58184​

 

[rake60]

Yes, I am rich!

Silver in my hair
Gold in my teeth
Crystals in my kidneys
Sugar in my blood
Lead in my ass
Iron in my blood
and....a never ending supply of natural gas

 

[bronson]

Don my wife and i had a good laugh at your joke that was pretty good.

 

[steamer]

That is just friggin nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There aren't any other words for that....other than get me a bucket!

Dave

 

[tattoomike68]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.


The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

 

[Maryak]

Too funny couldn't let it go...




CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................

 

[Wrist Pin]

Back in the days of wooden ships and iron men there was rather successful pirate who haunted the shipping lanes with his fierce band of cutthroats. A cry came from the crow's nest, "Ship off the starboard bow!! An English merchantman!!
"AARGHH! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!!" The pirates attacked the ship, defeated the crew, took the spoils and scuttled it.

A few days later, a cry from the crow's nest, "Ship off the port bow!! A French frigate!!" AARRGHH! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!!" The pirates attacked the French, defeated the crew, took the spoils and scuttled it.

A few days go by, a cry from the crow's nest, "Ship dead ahead! A Spanish galleon!!"
AARGHH! cried the captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!" The pirates attacked the galleon, defeated the crew , took the booty and scuttled the ship

After this the cabin boy asked the captain, "Captain, why, when we go into battle, do you always have me fetch your red shirt??" "AARGHH!" says the captain. "That's in case I get wounded in battle, the men won't see my blood. They will continue to fight till the very end to victory!!"

One morning after a storm, the pirate ship was stuck in fog. No one could see a thing. Soon the fog lifted, a cry came from the crow's nest, "Captain!! There are ships all around us! They are all warships from England, France and Spain!! We are surrounded and they are preparing to fire upon us!!!"

AARRGGHH!!! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy!! Fetch me my brown pants!!!"

 

[rake60]

"Common Sense is like Deodorant.
Sometimes the people who need it the most refuse to use it."

Should this be here or on the Safety board? scratch.gif

Rick

 

[rake60]

A face only a mother could love?

Maybe NOT!

I'm a horse lover and that's half horse.

Rick

 

[GOOFY063]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be Shi-tin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of
them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful
woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington
and
these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately
need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shi-tin me.'

(At least according to some reputable historians)

 

[Maryak]

Guys,

One of our few rules is no politics

I have removed the offending posts

Best Regards
Bob

 

[GOOFY063]

sorry guys my bad

 

[kustomkb]

My Dad made this. He thinks he's pretty funny. I'd have to agree.

 

[Tin Falcon]

Ok took a few seconds to get it.
That is a good one.
Tin

 

[AussieJimG]

I knew I was missing something, and then I awoke in the middle of the night and it was obvious :big:

Jim