Humour

[checkedout]

A maid asked for a pay increase
.....
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

I laughed harder than I ought to at that one!

NICE!

 

[pcw]

I laughed harder than I ought to at that one!

NICE!

hehe why is that? you maid got a raise? ;D

 

[checkedout]

HAHA ... no.
I'm not in the social strata that gets maids... or pool boys... or pool girls (damn).

 

[Stan]

A small boy visiting the zoo asks his Mother what is the thing hanging under the elephant. She replies "Oh, that is nothing, ask your Father."

Boy repeats question to his Father and reply is "Your Mother is just spoiled."

 

[Brian Rupnow]

Cop is on standard patrol at 11:47 PM, just "checking things out" around the city. He drives down by the beach road and sees a car parked facing the water with the windows all steamed up. Cop pulls out his flashlight, approaches the car and knocks on the side window---"OPEN UP IN THERE---POLICE!!!" Dome light comes on and window rolls down. Inside in the front seat is a young fellow having a smoke and listening to the radio. In the back seat is a young lady, setting there knitting. Cop says "Do you mind telling me whats going on here, son!!" Young fellow says---"Absolutely nothing, Sir.-----But in another 13 minutes she's going to be eighteen!!!!!"

 

[Maryak]

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think
I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.

 

[dsquire]

Maryak

Right on Bob. You sure hit the nail on the head with that one. I am going to quick pass it on before I forget what I was going to do with it. If by chance I send you a copy of it just ignore it. :big: :big:

Cheers

Don

 

[Maryak]

An explanation of the recent Australian Governments stimulus package.

It is a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

 

[Artie]

Yup yup.... and if you think its any more complex then that then you better revisit aussie politics........

 

[Maryak]

If you can correctly pronounce every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 98% of the native English speakers in the world. Check with your friends…





Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does.

Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!



(Attributed to George Bernard Shaw, but I haven’t checked yet—JC-G)

 

[dvbydt]

Shaw quoted it but was originally Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité, 1870-1946.

Here is another from york.ac.uk.
Word pairs
misc
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
They were too close to the door to close it.
It was difficult to coax the coax cable through the conduit.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
The dove dove into the bushes.
The entrance to a mall fails to entrance me.
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A cat with nine lives lives next door.
She will mouth obscenities unless you stop her mouth.
After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
I did not object to the object.
We polish the Polish furniture.
There is no time like the present to present the present.
A farm can produce produce.
She was reading a book in Reading.
The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
On the road to the race, the oarsmen rowed about who rowed the best.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
The unionised gas smothered the unionised workforce.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian

 

[Maryak]

A little boy
Goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload,

We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,


and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,


nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You've got Male!

 

[milotrain]

Nice lady is out for a stroll in the countryside. It's a clear autumn day, not unlike today. Leaves are changing and the sun is just the late side of afternoon, going to the orange tint before settling down for dusk. As she's walking she comes upon farmer Dave out with his fat pig; Dave's the classic farmer, older than dirt but still strong still hard working. Dave and pig are standing below one of his mcintosh apple trees and pig is chewing happily on an apple. Pig then looks up at Dave, Dave smiles bends down and lifts Pig high over his head straining under the weight. Pig promptly takes an apple in his mouth and Dave lowers him down to the ground. Pig goes on chewing, enjoying himself until he looks up again. Dave bends down and for a second time lifts Pig high over his head, pig takes an apple, Dave puts him back down. This time pig seems to pause with his apple, chews it a little slower, but then looks up and again Dave bends down, clearly tired and picks pig up lifting him high into the apple tree. Finally Nice Lady cries out "Farmer Dave what on earth are you doing? There are apples all over the ground!"

"that's alright, I won't trip on them." says Dave "besides, they are mostly on the far side of the tree."

"That's not what I meant Dave" says Nice Lady "You keep picking up that pig to eat apples and you'll be here all night!!"

"Maybe so." agrees Dave "but then, what's time to a pig?"

 

[Tin Falcon]

An old guy is walking down the main street of his home town at 2 AM. The town cop pulls up next to him and asked him where he is going. He replies " To a lecture." To a lecture? the cop questions with disbelief.A lecture on what? " A lecture on the evils of alcoholism " the man replies.
The officer really curious at this point asks," And who is giving such a lecture at 2 AM!!!"


"My wife" replies the old man.



Tin

 

[Majorstrain]

HALLOWEEN

A man was walking homealone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping,

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)


The coffin stops!

 

[Ken I]

I have seen this attributed to various authors so I'm not about to cite one of them.

AN ODE TO ENGLISH PLURALS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
In which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

 

[rake60]

Gotta love the email forwards! This just in...

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and told my buddy:
"That's us in ten years."

My buddy replied:
"That's a mirror you idiot!"

OUCH!

Rick

 

[rake60]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much
will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her
husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right... I guess I'm starting to Believe all those
dumb blonde jokes.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

 

[o.h.cam]

Walking down a country road one day,an uplander comes upon a farm where he notices in the barnyard a pig with only three legs.
He sees the farmer on the porch,and engages him in conversation pointing out that he seems to have a very special pig there in his barnyard and the farmer replies that,Yes,indeed,it was a very special pig.
",,,,yes,why a few weeks back that pig,realizing that the house was on fire one night came into the house and woke us up in time to get out and put the fire out,,,,saved us all as well as the house,,,,,"
he continued "then wasn't long after that the tractor came down off the jack onto my leg and that pig came a runnin' and rooted under that tractor,and heaved it up long enough for me to get my leg out,,,,,and then just the other day little Timmy fell down the well and that pig had enough sense to go knock the bucket down the well so's timmy could climb up the rope and save himself!!!!!,,,,,,,,
yessir, that there's aright special pig,,,,,,,"
The towny,having heard all this was amazed,and he couldn't help comment "Well thats utterly fantanstic,,,,,,,,that that pig could have accomplished all those acts of heroism,,,,,,,,especially more amazing given that he only has three legs,,,,,,,,,"
to which the farmer replies "well,darn tootin',,,,ya know,,,,,a pig that special,,,,,,,ya don't eat all at once!!!!!!!!"

 

[jor2daje]

I love these haha, especially the engineer ones so I figure I should throw one that made me chuckle the other day up, what a great movie.