Humour

[dalem9]

Finely I see Dale

 

[rake60]

Was Maxwell Smart a machinist?

Sure sounds like he may have been!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPwrodxghrw[/ame]

Rick

 

[rake60]

Do you remember.....

1970 : Long hair
2012 : Longing for hair

1970 : KEG
2012 : EKG


1970 : Acid rock
2012 : Acid reflux


1970 : Moving to California because it's cool
2012 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1970 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2012 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1970 : Seeds and stems
2012 : Roughage


1970 : Hoping for a BMW
2012 : Hoping for a BM


1970 : Going to a new, hip joint
2012 : Receiving a new hip joint


1970 : Rolling Stones
2012 : Kidney Stones


1970 : Screw the system
2012 : Upgrade the system


1970 : Disco
2012 : Costco


1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2012 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1970 : Passing the drivers' test
2012 : Passing the vision test


1970 : Whatever
2012 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to
give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",
or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is..

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of us who have trouble reading..


Rick

 

[bearcar1]

I prefer Friskies brand myself ................



A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

 

[Maryak]

You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the

World needs to know their business? When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can



Now get your own back !



After a busy day I settled down on the bus from Sydney. I try to nap
As far as my destination at Maroubra. This chap sitting near me
Hauls out his mobile and starts up:- "Hi darling it's me Mark, I'm on
The bus - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had an important
Meeting - NO, not with that floozy from the office pool, with the boss.
No darling you're the only one in my life - YES, I'm sure, love you my
Babe" etc., etc. This was still going on at Bronte, when the young
Lady opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,



"Hey, Mark, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

 

[chuck foster]

i hate the fact some people use their cell phones were ever and when ever.
example: i was just at a funeral last week for relative of mine and one of my butt head cousins whips out his cell phone and starts a business call right in the middle of the service.
i thought he was going to be the star of the next funeral.

i know this was not a joke but the above joke made me think and post this.

chuck

 

[Maryak]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

 

[Canvasback]

Do you remember.....

1970 : Long hair
2012 : Longing for hair

1970 : KEG
2012 : EKG


1970 : Acid rock
2012 : Acid reflux


1970 : Moving to California because it's cool
2012 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1970 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2012 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1970 : Seeds and stems
2012 : Roughage


1970 : Hoping for a BMW
2012 : Hoping for a BM


1970 : Going to a new, hip joint
2012 : Receiving a new hip joint


1970 : Rolling Stones
2012 : Kidney Stones


1970 : Screw the system
2012 : Upgrade the system


1970 : Disco
2012 : Costco


1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2012 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1970 : Passing the drivers' test
2012 : Passing the vision test


1970 : Whatever
2012 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to
give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",
or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is..

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of us who have trouble reading..


Rick

 

[Maryak]

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

 

[Tin Falcon]

You know it is a redneck wedding when the bride is registered at Cabela's or brass pro shop.
Tin

 

[Sshire]

Must be a redneck machinist

 

[joe d]

Here's one to make our aussie members proud....


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".



One week later, Australian Dept. of Mines and Dept. of Conservation reported the following:



"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Orange in New South Wales, John Lambert, a self-taught aboriginal archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f$#@ all. John has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

 

[Ken I]

Did you know ?

The Goldberg Brothers were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97°F.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show :-

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Grooooan,
Ken

 

[rake60]

Way too risky to share with the wife!!!

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the OTHER ONE!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

 

[hopeless]

Thanks Rick just what I needed NOT :big: at my age the idea is have naps on the couch not sleep! its too uncomfortable by 4am
Pete

 

[peatoluser]

:big: Definitely not showing the wife this!
the rule about colours reminds me of my courting days when I first met my future wife. Out shopping for a new dress I asked what she was looking for - something cerise was the reply - after a few minutes i told her I'd checked all the labels and couldn't find anything made by a cerise. back came the reply cerise is a colour, don't you know anything! To this day I still don't know exactly what colour cerise is.

 

[Ken I]

Bite your tongue.

My wife was looking at herself in a full length mirror, rather dejectedly she says..

"Look at me, I used to be young, slender and beautiful, now I'm old fat and ugly - its depressing - I'm desperately in need of a compliment here ..."

So I says "There's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight !"

And that's how the fight started.

Ken

 

[steamer]

Read most of the list TO my wife last night....laughing hysterically while doing so......she seemed annoyed : :

 

[bearcar1]

The truth NEVER works ei: .....

"No honey, that dress does not make you look fat. OLD maybe, but definitely not fat"

My head still hurts but the scars are healing nicely.

BC1
Jim

 

[steamer]

The truth NEVER works ei: .....

"No honey, that dress does not make you look fat. OLD maybe, but definitely not fat"

My head still hurts but the scars are healing nicely.

BC1
Jim

I bet replacing that bent frying pan was expensive too! :big: