checkedout
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There are two kinds of people: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information,
Humour
- Thread starter Stan
- Start date
Help Support Home Model Engine Machinist Forum:
Tin Falcon
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I thought there we two kinds those turned on by binary and those turned off .
I do get it and a good one though.
Tin
I do get it and a good one though.
Tin
And of course - half the population can't read properly, half the population can't write properly and the other half can't add up!
Ken
Ken
Maryak
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>> THE RAISE!!!
>>
>> Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
>>
>> Boss: Sure, come on in What can I do for you?
>>
>> Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
>>
>> Boss: Yes.
>>
>> Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
>>
>> Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
>>
>> Employee: I understand you and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
>>
>> Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days annual leave. How does that sound?
>>
>> Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
>>
>> Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
>>
>> Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
>>
>> Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
>>
>> Boss: Sure, come on in What can I do for you?
>>
>> Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
>>
>> Boss: Yes.
>>
>> Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
>>
>> Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
>>
>> Employee: I understand you and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
>>
>> Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days annual leave. How does that sound?
>>
>> Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
>>
>> Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
>>
>> Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
rake60
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Retired man shopping with the wife:
[FONT="]After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'[/FONT][FONT="]
Security was called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'[/FONT][FONT="]
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
I know many of you who know me are thinking that I was that guy.
I'm NOT retired yet!!!!
[/FONT]
[FONT="]After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'[/FONT][FONT="]
Security was called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'[/FONT][FONT="]
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
I know many of you who know me are thinking that I was that guy.
I'm NOT retired yet!!!!
[/FONT]
Cogsy
Well-Known Member
A dear little old lady goes to see her doctor.
"Doctor, I'm having a problem with gas." she says with a blush, "I seem to be passing it all the time. It doesn't smell and doesn't make any noise but there's way too much of it. I've even passed gas two or three times since I came into your office! Please help me."
The doctor gives her a small bottle of pills, with instructions to take one a day and return to see him in week's time.
She returns the following week looking even more sorrowful.
"Doctor, those pills haven't helped at all!" she says, "I still pass just as much gas, and it's still silent, but now it smells simply terrible!"
"Well," says the doctor, "we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing..."
"Doctor, I'm having a problem with gas." she says with a blush, "I seem to be passing it all the time. It doesn't smell and doesn't make any noise but there's way too much of it. I've even passed gas two or three times since I came into your office! Please help me."
The doctor gives her a small bottle of pills, with instructions to take one a day and return to see him in week's time.
She returns the following week looking even more sorrowful.
"Doctor, those pills haven't helped at all!" she says, "I still pass just as much gas, and it's still silent, but now it smells simply terrible!"
"Well," says the doctor, "we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing..."
A woman, approaching her 50th birthday, decides to treat herself to a facelift. After the surgery has healed she is very pleased with the result.
Her birthday arrives and she goes shopping.
At the checkout at the first shop she informs the cashier "It's my birthday today, how old do you think I am?".
The cashier looks her up and down. "Hmm, I'd say about 38."
"No", she replies triumphantly, "I'm 50!"
At the second shop much the same thing happens, except that the cashier guesses 41.
At the supermarket she can't wait to ask the important question as she patiently waits in the checkout queue. At last she arrives at the cashier.
"It's my birthday today" she announces, "How old do you think I am?"
"Hmm" comes the reply, "I'd say about 39".
"No" she exclaims delightedly, "I'm 50".
"Well, you certainly don't look it" replies the checkout girl.
On her way home she waits at the bus stop. Eventually a man arrives and also waits for the bus.
There is nobody else around, the bus is late, and she can't resist asking the man. "It's my birthday today. How old do you think I am?".
"I'm not good at guessing ages" he replies.
"Go on, have a go."
"Well, I don't like guessing, but I've got a method that always works."
"What's that?" she asks.
"Well, it involves me putting my hands inside your bra."
The woman is confused and bemused. She looks around; there is nobody else in sight. She makes up her mind and opens her coat. "OK" she says, "but make it quick."
He puts his hands inside her bra and strokes her breasts. He weighs them in his hands and tweaks the nipples. He squeezes them gently until the woman says "OK, that's enough, how old am I?"
He removes his hands, she buttons herself up and looks at him for a reply.
"Well" he concludes "I'd say you were 50".
"That's amazing" she says, slightly disappointedly, "how did you do that?"
"I can't do that, if I tell you, you'll get angry with me."
"No, please tell me, I promise I won't get angry."
"Do you really promise?"
"Yes, I really do promise. Please tell me" she pleads.
The man pauses, and makes up his mind. "OK then, I'll tell you" he says.
"I was behind you in the supermarket checkout queue."
Her birthday arrives and she goes shopping.
At the checkout at the first shop she informs the cashier "It's my birthday today, how old do you think I am?".
The cashier looks her up and down. "Hmm, I'd say about 38."
"No", she replies triumphantly, "I'm 50!"
At the second shop much the same thing happens, except that the cashier guesses 41.
At the supermarket she can't wait to ask the important question as she patiently waits in the checkout queue. At last she arrives at the cashier.
"It's my birthday today" she announces, "How old do you think I am?"
"Hmm" comes the reply, "I'd say about 39".
"No" she exclaims delightedly, "I'm 50".
"Well, you certainly don't look it" replies the checkout girl.
On her way home she waits at the bus stop. Eventually a man arrives and also waits for the bus.
There is nobody else around, the bus is late, and she can't resist asking the man. "It's my birthday today. How old do you think I am?".
"I'm not good at guessing ages" he replies.
"Go on, have a go."
"Well, I don't like guessing, but I've got a method that always works."
"What's that?" she asks.
"Well, it involves me putting my hands inside your bra."
The woman is confused and bemused. She looks around; there is nobody else in sight. She makes up her mind and opens her coat. "OK" she says, "but make it quick."
He puts his hands inside her bra and strokes her breasts. He weighs them in his hands and tweaks the nipples. He squeezes them gently until the woman says "OK, that's enough, how old am I?"
He removes his hands, she buttons herself up and looks at him for a reply.
"Well" he concludes "I'd say you were 50".
"That's amazing" she says, slightly disappointedly, "how did you do that?"
"I can't do that, if I tell you, you'll get angry with me."
"No, please tell me, I promise I won't get angry."
"Do you really promise?"
"Yes, I really do promise. Please tell me" she pleads.
The man pauses, and makes up his mind. "OK then, I'll tell you" he says.
"I was behind you in the supermarket checkout queue."
Atzerath
Member
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Way too risky to share with the wife!!!
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the OTHER ONE!
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
Dude...never having read this before I have to comment on rule n1.
A couple of moths ago I got into an argument about the toilet seat being up...I won it using the same argument...
I won zounds of arguments using some of these rules...the sweetest words my gf can tell me are "you're right"
Maryak
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer But on he went in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question ..
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer But on he went in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question ..
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with me as his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said,'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, don't worry, sonny, I'll give you a chance to win it back. I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want another chance?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
At this point I start moaning and put my head in my hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' I tell him. 'This morning, when I picked Grandpa up tocome to this audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Grandpa says, 'Now, don't worry, sonny, I'll give you a chance to win it back. I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want another chance?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
At this point I start moaning and put my head in my hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' I tell him. 'This morning, when I picked Grandpa up tocome to this audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
ChooChooMike
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The mad bad-punner strikes again woohoo1
Mosey
Well-Known Member
Please don't ask him for more!
Marv, go to your room!
Marv, go to your room!
rake60
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Totally WORK RELATED.....
Here's a little poem for all of the shop and department managers among us.
MY JOB
It's not my job to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.
It's not for me to say how far the train's allowed to go.
I'm not allowed to blow off steam, nor even clang the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the tracks....
and see who catches HELL!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Do not attempt to insinuate that poem could possibly be related to any home conditions.
The real chief engineer just might dispatch you to another track!
Sofas are hard to sleep on....
Rick
Here's a little poem for all of the shop and department managers among us.
MY JOB
It's not my job to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.
It's not for me to say how far the train's allowed to go.
I'm not allowed to blow off steam, nor even clang the bell.
But let the damn thing jump the tracks....
and see who catches HELL!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Do not attempt to insinuate that poem could possibly be related to any home conditions.
The real chief engineer just might dispatch you to another track!
Sofas are hard to sleep on....
Rick
Maryak
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Admin
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That's pretty good. I like British comedy myself.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QACSo5xk3dE[/ame]
