Humour

[Sshire]

 

[flyingtractors1]

In the olden days a factory that had been very successful and productive suddenly seized up and stoped working. The local talent could not figure out the problem, so they sent for an expert from far away. he came and looked the mechanisms over (and under) and asked for a 16 pound sledge hammer with which he delivered a sharp blow to a particular axle. And, sure enough the mechanisms started working again, and he returned home. Shortly thereafter he sent the company a bill for $1000 (lots of money in the olden days). The factory managers scuffed at this exorbetent bill since they knew that all he did was hit the shaft with the sledge once, and wrote to the expert demanding an itemized bill for the $1000. The expert sent back an itemized bill;

for striking machinery one time with one hammer

 

[flyingtractors1]

AS the story goes, the expert sent back an itemized bill:

For strking the machine one time with one sledge . . . $ 1.00

For knowing where to strike . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $999.00

 

[Ken I]

What goes...

clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang-bang-bang, clip - clop ?







An Amish drive by shootiing.

 

[Maryak]

All these examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.
The last one might shock the socks off you.

Think a litre of petrol is expensive?

This makes you think, and also puts things into perspective.

Can of Red Bull, 250ml, $2..95 ... $11.80 per litre!

Robitussin Cough Mixture, 200ml, $9.95 ..... $ 49.75 per litre!

L'Oreal Revitalift Day Cream, 50ml, $29.95 ........... $599.00 per litre!

Bundy Rum, 1250ml, $51.00 .... $40.80 per litre!

Visene Eye Drops, 15ml, $5.69 ... $379.00 per litre!

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume, 50ml, $29 ....... $580.00 per litre!

And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water, 375ml, $2.95 ...$7.86 per litre!
$7.86 for a litre of WATER!!

and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is NAIVE!!)



Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

So they can hook you for the ink!!

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it but it's true; $1,040 a litre.


$1040.00 A LITRE!!!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Red Bull, Robitussin, L'Oreal or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

 

[tel]

... you left out Lavender oil, which Mrs Tel seems to use by the gallon - @ $300 litre!

 

[rake60]

Do they still make this?

Nothing I have ever bought actually works but that SOUNDS like it might!

OK, I'll behave now, OR NOT...

Rick

 

[Paulsv]

Here is what I use. It's really good......

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/really-good-****-penetrating-oil.jpg

 

[Maryak]

Milk and eggs



This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping at IGA for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[rake60]

My Scottish family motto is "Late but in earnest".

Could that be a bad thing?

MAYBE!

Rick

 

[Groomengineering]

(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results!

No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

“That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

Cheers

Jeff

 

[Ken I]

That sort of thing happens all the time - this happened to me - I was the engineer responsible.

When I still worked at Gabriel Shockabsorbers, Mercedes Benz came up with a new paint requirement for underbody parts - it had to first be immersed in brake fluid for 48 hours - before all the normal tests (apparently they had had corrosion problems because of mechanics damaging the paint with hands contaminated by brake fluid - on a structural part like a McPherson strut, this could be leathal).

Now everone knows brake fluid is an effective paint stripper... so..

So we contacted the paint manufacture who uhmmed and ahhed and eventually came up with a two part epoxy based paint which had to be baked - we then had to install a baking tunnel etc. etc.

Eventually all the new equipment is in place, we pass all the tests and MB are happy.

Then a foreman comes in and says "Didn't anyone check our existing paint" - "No, it couldn't possibly pass the test" we chorus - well he had tested it and it passed !

Bugger !

Ken

 

[TroyO]

Heh... it happens in other bussinesses as well.

I once was part of a team that was going to have to work all weekend to re-designate 685 desktop PC's to look to a new server. "Per1" and "Per2" were being consolidated into one larger server that could handle the duties of the two old ones.

I came up with the bright idea of calling the new server "Per1" instead of "PerNew" so we would only have to change half the machines over. Hey, it got me my Sunday off.. LOL.

 

[Tin Falcon]

Years ago IRRC the cdc came to a local lab glass manufacturer and wanted microscope slides printed . the engineers worked long and hard to design a machine that would do this after many hours of R&D and many thousands of dollars spent the project was scrapped . One of the workers made a few phone calls and discovered he could do the job for a $50 investment and dried the printed slides in his home oven.On cookie sheets. cell line industries was born . It grew and was then sold I imagine for a good price to Thermo Fisher.

http://www.thermo.com/eThermo/CMA/PDFs/Various/File_9287.pdf
I was the art department there for about a year in the mid 80s
Tin

 

[Antman]

Three chicks have the same hi-power lady for a boss. They notice something strange. The boss-lady starts disappearing early in the afternoon some days. One day the boss leaves around 2:30 and the girls all decide to do the same and by 2:32 they are gone.
The brunette has playtime in the park with her little one, and after a fun day, reads her a bedtime story and snuggles up herself with a good book.
The redhead goes to gym and has a workout with a boy with a sixpack and things just develop.
The blondie zaps off to the mall and buys everything to surprise her husband with a candle-light dinner including heart shape choccies, flies off home to get all ready and hears muffled noises in the bedroom. She opens the door a crack and her husband is in bed with her boss.
Next morning, the brunette is all starry eyed, the redhead is bubbling but the blondie is walking on eggs. Two of the girls are up to do it again and they beg the blondie to also.
“No way!” she says, “I almost got caught yesterday!”

 

[bearcar1]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

1. Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8. You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13. You know the words to the elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

19. You can't remember
who sent you this list.

 

[chucketn]

I resemble those remarks...

Chuck in E. TN

 

[AussieJimG]

My sister's children say she has eggtimers disease: she can remember things but it takes 3 minutes.

Jim

 

[tel]

Ha! Mrs Tel can remember things FOR three minutes!

 

[tel]

... unless it is some transgression by Yours Truly - in which case she can remember for 300 years!