Humour

[robwilk]

Summer Romance...

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab and squeeze you, because I can't forget what happened last night.
You came to me so unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from no where and , shamelessly and without any reservations, lay on my naked body. So voluptuously you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you in vain, and only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult for me to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

Bloody mosquito !!!!! ;D


Rob.......

 

[GOOFY063]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
>> >> morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
>> >> said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left
>> >> ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled
>> >> it out and stared at it.
>> >> Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
>> >> know where to find my hearing aid.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
>> >> in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
>> >> No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family
>> >> phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of
>> >> diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night
>> >> and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
>> >> would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover
>> >> rather than the big **** he always was.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
>> >> were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a
>> >> wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for
>> >> days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back
>> >> to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they
>> >> found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got
>> >> a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found
>> >> your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to
>> >> the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a
>> >> pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send
>> >> me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
>> >> away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
>> >> casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
>> >> casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
>> >> the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
>> >> dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the
>> >> pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
>> >> casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
>> >> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>> >> She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
>> >> me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
>> >> fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
>> >> I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me
>> >> homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes
>> >> love to me for half the afternoon...
>> >> I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes
>> >> me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes
>> >> love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would
you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

 

[GOOFY063]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON !

 

[Maryak]

Here’s a thought.

Being Green is the new thing, or is it?

In the queue at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should
bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the
environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So
they really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a car every time they had to go two streets away. But she was right.. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Queensland . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or went on the bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

 

[dsquire]

Bob

There is more truth in that then anyone cares to admit. Thanks for posting that. :bow:

Cheers

Don

 

[GOOFY063]

The Truth


My Favorite Animal…

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he
said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
She said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken,
pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I
told him what happened,
and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the
other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told
me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire
most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

 

[tattoomike68]

A preacher walking along the street encountered a lady of the evening proposing to ply her trade. He was shocked, told her that he was a man of the cloth and proceeded to lecture her on the errors of her ways. Proceeding on home, he was much troubled by the incident and prayed about her far into the night.



The next morning he was walking down the same street when he saw the same woman again.



"Madam", he said, "I prayed for you last night."



"Well, Reverend, you didn't have to do that. If you'd phoned I'd have come right over."

 

[rake60]

And I thought they were trying to make it easier for me! :wall:

Rick

 

[Maryak]

WHY TEACHERS DRINK..................

Best Regards
Bob

 

[robwilk]

Bob how did you get hold of my old school exams. Rof}

Rob.......

 

[user 4756]

The village priest is walking down the road when he sees Seamus coming the other way, one hand in his pocket and a loaf in the other.

"Good morning to you Seamus, I see you have the staff of life in your hand. What's in the other?"

"Bread"

*************************************************************************************

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're having granite worktops."

*************************************************************************************


Non PC...

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless you for having a go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Andy

 

[rake60]

My wife had promised to watch our grandson last Saturday, then was told she had to work.

She asked me if I could watch him until she got home.

I told her I could do that with my eyes closed. SERIOUSLY!

She took this picture at some point that day.

Rick
(AKA Watchful Pappy)
:hDe:

 

[metalmad]

Great pic Rick :bow:

 

[steamer]

Great pic Rick...I've got one of them with the twins somewhere....

Dave

 

[Maryak]

A maid asked for a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband says so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

 

[user 1493]

And then there was the guy that saw an ad on Ebay for a penis enhancement tool so he bought it. When he opened the package he found a magnifying glass with this attached warning label: CAUTION, DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT!

 

[pcw]

A middle aged man bought a brand new camaro. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 mph, and was enjoying the wind ing
through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no
problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over
160 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing?
I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,
and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the camaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman
and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought
you were bringing her back."

Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

 

[Tin Falcon]

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, think the trooper was actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled. “PULL OVER!” The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor?

Tin

 

[Tin Falcon]

tin

 

[checkedout]

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.

Ummm... please allow me to be pedantic here.

I'm almost CERTAIN they don't have this as official policy in Florida.



Yes, I only got that far into the story before my OCD kicked in.


(Still a cool story though)