Humour

[CrewCab]

rleete ............ nice one bud ;D ROTFLMAO

CC

 

[ChooChooMike]

I was walking down the road today and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Now that's the funniest one I've heard in a long time Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} th_wav

 

[BAH101]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did
you ask me?
*club*

 

[Stan]

Although this refers to the eader of the Opposition in Canada it probably applies to a lot of politicians:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Ignatieff and his bid to be the PM of Canada .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, he's a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.�
�. . . �'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

 

[ChooChooMike]

Classic image updated !! Soooooo true in the corporate world :big:

 

[zeeprogrammer]

From my Dad who is 83 and gets too much enjoyment out of reminding me that I'm no youngster anymore...

(Original post was several times larger and in color...)

Someone

had to remind me,

so I'm

reminding

you, too.


Perks of reaching

50

or being over

60

and heading

toward

70!

1.

Kidnappers

Are not very

Interested in you.

2.

In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be

Released first.

3.

No one expects

You to run --

Anywhere.

4.

People call at 9 PM

And ask,

'Did I wake you?'

5.

People no longer

View you as a

Hypochondriac.

6.

There is nothing left

To learn the hard way.

7.

Things you buy now

Won't wear out..

8.

You can eat

Supper at 4 PM..

9.

You can live

'without sex

But not your glasses.


11.

You no longer think

Of speed limits

As a challenge.

12.

You quit trying

To hold
Your stomach in

No matter who walks

Into the room.

13..

You sing along

With elevator music.

14.

Your eyes

Won't get

Much worse.

15.

Your investment

In health insurance

Is finally beginning

To pay off.

16.

Your joints are more



accurate meteorologists

Than the national

Weather service.

17.

Your secrets are safe

With your friends

Because they can't

Remember them either.

18.

Your supply of brain cells

Is finally down to

A manageable size.

19..

You can't remember

Who sent you this list..

And you notice

These are all

In big print

For your convenience.

Forward this

To everyone

You can remember

Right now!


ONE MORE THING:


Never,

Under any circumstances,

Take a sleeping pill,

And a laxative on

The same night!

 

[zeeprogrammer]

okay okay...after this one I'll get busy...from Dad again...

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[Tin Falcon]

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it.
Tin

 

[rake60]

In the world, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

-- You make the bed (+1)

-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)


-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

-- In the rain (+8)

-- But return with Beer (-5)


-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

-- It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)

-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

-- Named Tina (-4)

-- Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

-- You take her out to dinner (0)

-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

-- You take her to a movie (+2)

-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)

-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

-- You hesitate in responding (-10)

-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)

-- Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)

-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

 

[zeeprogrammer]

It seems so true.
But I'll keep playing the game!

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

**************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow
cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[Maryak]

Torpedo Moments

The thread about swash plate engines set me on a path of remembering a couple of incidents involving the old style 21” torpedos and the English design destroyers in which they were mounted. The first happened to an older ship moored behind us at GID in Sydney. The second to my own ship.


The torpedos were set in a launcher in banks of 5 mounted on the centre line of the iron deck. Like the gun turrets, these mounts were capable of traversing through 360 deg. There is a limited arc of travel in which the torpedos can be launched from their tubes and make it to the water alongside the ship. Further forward or aft and you launch into yourself. Sets of cut outs and limiting switches are incorporated to prevent this happening.

When not in use the torpedo launchers were normally in the fore and aft position.

Incident 1.

A peaceful Saturday afternoon around 15:00. The Petty Officer TAS, (Torpedo Anti Submarine), was showing his young son where Daddy worked etc. “What’s these big brass knobs for Dad?” asked the inquisitive son. “Oh, they’re the launch buttons which launch the torpedos from their tubes,” replied our intrepid PO. Knowing all was secure he went to say, “Go ahead and press one.” The son gave the big brass knob a good thump. This was followed by a whoosh of compressed air and one torpedo suddenly departed the tube and made its way through the steel bulkhead and into the seaman’s bathroom behind. No one was injured but it caused considerable angst among the crew in the bathroom at the time!!

Incident 2.

We were on our way from Singapore to Borneo and it was time for our quarterly full power trial. The weather was good and the sea calm. The captain decided that this would also be a good time to carry out a practice torpedo firing and we would chase it and recover it ourselves.

Apparently these torpedos can be set up to run to the target in a zig zag pattern hopefully confusing the target and scoring a hit. The tubes were mounted above the forward engine room and we were ambling along at some 15 knots in readiness for the launch and our full power trial chasing our torpedo. We felt the launch, which was followed by Full Ahead both engines and away we went.

Not long into our run we started to make some very violent turns, followed by Stop both engines, followed by Full Astern both engines, again Full Ahead and more violent turns etc. The Engineer rang the bridge to find out what was going on.

It turned out that when said torpedo should have zigged, it zagged and so on. In effect we were being chased by our own torpedo. The next 15 mins or so were somewhat harrowing until the damn thing ran out of fuel and stopped. Even though it was only a practice warhead we really didn’t need a 21” hole in the ship below the waterline. When I came on deck, there it was bobbing peacefully alongside in a vertical position ready to be lifted back onboard.

All’s well that ends well.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[zeeprogrammer]

I always like stories that begin with 'It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon..."

Have to say though...these kinds of stories certainly build confidence in one's military services and/or allies. :big:

 

[Tin Falcon]

good stories bob

Tin

 

[dsquire]

Bob

While we can all get a good laugh at incidents like this after the fact, I don't imagine the seaman in the bathroom thought it very funny. Incidents like this are the very reason why one should never point a gun and pull the trigger even though it is supposed to be unloaded or empty.

Cheers

Don

 

[rake60]

THE BLOND MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as
he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[CrewCab]

8) ................ Top class Rick ;D

CC

 

[Kermit]

Browsing through my favorite library...Google

I stumbled across something unexpected. You may have to read some of it two or three times before it dawns on you what is being said.

 

[Maryak]

 

[ozzie46]

They say that in all good humor there is a grain of truth.
But this is absolutely the truth Bob. :big: :big: :big: :big:

Ron