Humour

[zeeprogrammer]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Author unknown:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

 

[deverett]

SCOUSER'S JOB INTERVIEW

A Scouser went into the local Job Centre, saw the clerk and said that he was looking for a job.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The salary package is £100,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter retorted 'Well you started it!'

(For the uninitiated, a Scouser is one who hails from Liverpool - the capital of Ireland - known for their scams)

Dave
The Emerald Isle

 

[Maryak]

Or...

Sean and Michael saw a job ad which read:

Tree Fellers Wanted.

Sean looked at Michael and said "It's a pity Patrick isn't with us then we could apply.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[tel]

Yeah, that Patrick was the bloke who got killed drinking milk - the cow fell on him.

 

[steamer]

Or...

Sean and Michael saw a job ad which read:

Tree Fellers Wanted.

Sean looked at Michael and said "It's a pity Patrick isn't with us then we could apply.

Best Regards
Bob

DOH!!!! Rof}

 

[Majorstrain]

CREATIVE PUNNS


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

25. It's ok to fool around with a nun, just don't get into the habit.

Phil

 

[hitandmissman]

Those were some good ones ;D

 

[zeeprogrammer]

It's tough getting old...


A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."


The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,


"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

 

[arnoldb]

How To Know The Gender Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?!' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded: '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'

 

[kustomkb]

My Wife had trouble opening a jar of pickles,

And at first so did I...

Just goes to show there's the right tool for every job!

 

[rake60]

Great tip Kevin!

I've always used one of these:

Then I have to deal with the neighbors calling the police
and the wife complaining about having to pick the glass
fragments out of the pickles.

I like your idea MUCH better!
Rof}

Rick

 

[ChooChooMike]

My Wife had trouble opening a jar of pickles,

And at first so did I...

Just goes to show there's the right tool for every job!

Hmmm, I wonder if that tool will now be called a DillVise or DillGrip or PickleGrip or ......

 

[rake60]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, How did I get here?
Her mother told her, God sent you.
Did God send you, too? asked the child
Yes dear, the mother replied.
What about Grandma and Grandpa? the child persisted.
He sent them also, the mother said.
Did he send their parents, too? asked the child.
Yes, Dear, He did, said the mother patiently.

So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here…

 

[Tin Falcon]

you guys hear about the comedian that was wrestling with the pig????














It was HAM to HAM combat!!!!!
Tin ;D

 

[Tin Falcon]

today's bumper sticker seen on a car.




People Eating Tasty Animals
Tin

 

[Majorstrain]

Nice one Tin,
That put a smile on my dial. ;D

I had no clue what PETA was, but a quick search sorted that out.

For others like me:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA):
PETA's animal rights campaigns include ending fur and leather use meat and dairy consumption fishing hunting trapping factory farming circuses bull fighting ...

I'll just nip outside and chew on the only thing left, the grass.

Cheers
Phil

 

[rake60]

My wife received an email from my sister that included this quote:

"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the
floor each morning the Devil says~
'Oh crap she's up...'"

Why do the women see the humor in that and we do not!
:hDe: :hDe: :hDe:

Rick

 

[rake60]

David Returns to Italy

After a two year visit to the United States , Michelangelo's David returns to Italy . .

and the proud sponsors are:

 

[rleete]

I was walking down the road today and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"