Humour

[Maryak]

Tin,

BRILLIANT​

Best Regards
Bob

 

[ChooChooMike]

"The Knack" - Dilbert

Hey, I resemble that

 

[Tin Falcon]

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- John Benfield

Tin Weasel

 

[rake60]

The Swine Flu scare seems to be dying out.
Don't let your guard down!

If you wake up and see THIS in the mirror:

STAY AT HOME THAT DAY!

Rick

 

[tel]

Mate, if I woke up and saw that in the mirror I'd stay at 'ome for the rest of me life!!!!

 

[cobra428]

Can't make this stuff up! Only in New York :big:
On my commute home this evening. I past an auto accident that must of happened a few minutes before. Cops had the lane blocked off, traffic to a creep. As I past the accident of 3 cars (no one hurt that's why I can laugh). Front car rear ended and hit the store front of a lawyers office. Next 2 cars bounced off and the second hit a car in front of a auto body shop (on the side walk) next door... the third hit the front door of said shop. Rof} Rof}
Tony

 

[BAH101]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -
ignore it.


It's just spam.

 

[gilessim]

nothing to do with swine flu (we hope!) but I was sent this little story;


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Giles

 

[zeeprogrammer]

So Moms and Dads..how do you like having yet another ultimatum to your kids taken away?

No more can we say .... "when pigs fly"

The kids will just say...."swine flu"

Sorry sorry. But really...it's better than some...isn't it? Aw come on...isn't it?

 

[steamer]

Zee.........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that was bad! :big:

Dave

 

[Maryak]

Isms and Corporations.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

WALL ST VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Zee.........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that was bad! :big:

Dave

Awwww. You heard it before.

 

[b.lindsey]

*Pastor's Business Card*

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis '
3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation **3:20** **begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked.'

 

[itowbig]

Gilessim your just mean man. i could not stop laughing . :big: ive got to try that that. th_wav very funny. :big: :big:

 

[Thad Swarfburn III]

New here, and the others made me laugh, so I owe one:

Kid walks into a barbershop. The barber leans over to his customer and whispers, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this." The barber puts two quarters in one hand and a dollar bill in the other. "Kid, would you rather have - these two shiny coins or this one old note?"

The kid takes the coins and says, "Gee I'll take these, thanks mister!" and runs out the door. The barber and his customer spend the rest of the haircut laughing about the stupid kid.

Later that day the customer sees the kid on a park bench eating an ice cream. "Hey kid," he asks. "Why did you take the coins, don't you know the dollar note is worth twice as much?"

The kid looks up and says, "As soon as I take the bill, the game's over!"

Probably the only joke I've heard all year I could tell my mother, or even post here for that matter!

-Matt

 

[Thad Swarfburn III]

Another....

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Thad Swarfburn III]

And since I'm going through the jokes folder (some of the file date stamps are 1996!), here's another. There's a friendly rivalry that goes on between Australia and New Zealand. Friendly unless there's a rugby test or cricket match on...

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright
red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Australian guy must have groped the blonde in
the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Aussie guy must have tried to grope
me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped
his cheek.

The Australian thinks: The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in
the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Aussie again.

 

[ChooChooMike]

Variation on the same joke with Clinton, a buxom intern, Hillary, Bush, Cheney etc. insert your own "favorite" characters !!! :big:

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Variation on the same joke with Clinton, a buxom intern, Hillary, Bush, Cheney etc. insert your own "favorite" characters !!! :big:

In fact I told that joke today. Except with a hardware and software engineer. The hardware engineer was slapped.

Thanks for the opportunity.

 

[Maryak]

DATING 1960s STYLE

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960
and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like
something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced
tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a
bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the
beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out
with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the
mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking
pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop
skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy
ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue
burst into the house and slammed the front door behind
her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in
the kitchen.

'The *@#$%&*! dance is called the Twist!