Humour

[steamer]

:big: :big: :big:

Hey Rick,

You thinking these up as your waiting for Phil to come out...? :big:

I want a Trunk Monkey.....no end of entertainment at work! Just think of the possibilities! ;D

Dave

 

[Maryak]

Rick,

That's the kind of Grandpa I wanna be ;D ;D

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Lew Hartswick]

Rick Don't do that to me. I've been laughing so hard I can't see to type. Tears
running down my face. I think that one breaks the "laugh meter".
...lew...

 

[Brass_Machine]

I know that joke Rick! I heard it a little different though... it was in a bar and involved a shot glass at the end!

Very good

Eric

 

[chuck foster]

how do you do really get your wife hot and bothered while having sex ???


just give her a phone call :big: :hDe: :rant:

chuck

 

[ChooChooMike]

TOOLS EXPLAINED​

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*I have a lot of the * DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Kermit]

Why doesn't Mexico ever have a good olympic team?






Everyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country...

 

[90LX_Notch]

ChooChooMike - Oh my God that was good. My stomach hurts. Thank you, I needed a good laugh.

 

[ChooChooMike]

ChooChooMike - Oh my God that was good. My stomach hurts. Thank you, I needed a good laugh.

I busted up laughing myself, so just had to pass that along, glad you enjoyed it !! :big:

 

[Bernd]

Now that's funny. And these guys want to run The New World Order. HA! Rof}

 

[LatheDude]

The Law and The Plumber

So a plumber goes to Judge Learned Hand's home, because of a leaking pipe.

He works for 20 minutes, and goes to the judge, saying, "I fixed the pipe; that's $400."

The judge looks at him and says, "Are you kidding me, I'm a lawyer, and I don't charge people $400 for 20 minutes of work!"

The plumber looks back at him and says, "I know. That's what I said back when I was practicing law."

 

[rake60]

(You might have to be from Pennsylvania to appreciate this one....)

This is what marriage is really all about . .. . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man
again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..

**********

'THE TEETH.'

 

[90LX_Notch]

ouch!

 

[gilessim]

just to add to ChoocChooMikes list:

SCRAP BOX: a box containing useful looking offcuts of metal that will turn out to be always be 10 thou too small in one dimension to make any needed small part.

Giles

 

[Noitoen]

just to add to ChoocChooMikes list:

SCRAP BOX: a box containing useful looking offcuts of metal that will turn out to be always be 10 thou too small in one dimension to make any needed small part.

Giles

You must take a different approach. Go to the scrap box, grab a piece and adapt your part design to fit. :big: :big: :big: :big: :hDe:

 

[ChooChooMike]

Classic Johnny Carson and Jack Webb from 1968.

[youtube=425,350]F4RIBhQIkII[/youtube]​

I couldn't stop clapping my carbon-based clappers !!! :big:

Very clever ! Humor at it's best. I don't know how either of those guys kept a straight face :bow: :bow:
Johnny was about to lose it a couple of times

Mike

 

[rake60]

Simple Rules On How To Impress the Opposite Sex....

How to Impress a Woman:

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

---------------------------------------------------------


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked and
bring food!

 

[mklotz]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

 

[Metal Butcher]

Good one! :bow:

"Sinko de Mayo" :big: :big: :big:

-MB

 

[itowbig]

Rof} Rof} oh man you guys are killing me very funny :bow: Rof} Rof} Rof}