Humour

[gilessim]

this is an old one, some years ago, Nissan ,before they were called Nissan ,having so many orders for their cars, had to farm out some of their work to US firms, in particular gear wheels for the transmission ,one day (to shorten the story a little!) a transport plane carrying a load of these parts,with engine problems, exploded in the air over China and its cargo, thrown out from its packing cases, precipitated down over a small town, when asked by the poor local folk saying (polite translation!) what's happening!, is the sky falling?, Ho, the local mechanic, replied, "No ,it's just raining Datsun cogs!"

Giles

 

[gilessim]

Here's another one, forwarded by my mother!.

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like machinists and mechanics.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

P.S. I changed the 4th one a bit!

Giles

 

[rake60]

Think you've had a bad day?
Read a few of these posts...

http://www.fmylife.com/

Rick

 

[putputman]

Mexican Oysters

A big, macho Texan stopped at a local border restaurant at the end of a day roaming around in Mexico.


While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called 'Cojones de Toro' or 'Mexican Oysters'." They're the testicles of the bull from this morning's bull fight. We consider them delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'd like to try them. Bring me an order."


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are really delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sí,Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[DickDastardly40]

On the subject of Oysters:

Whilst travelling in Scotland recently, I happened into a roadside cafe offering beef & oyster pie. I asked if it was any good and what was the proportion of ingredients to be told it was good and that the proportion was 50/50.

Liking oysters a great deal, I duly ordered said pie and while it tasted nicely of minced beef, I alas had difficulty locating any flavour of oyster let alone any physical evidence. I enquired whether I had been served the wrong pie and when told there was no mistake, I again enquired to the proportions.

It seems it was one oyster to one cow!

 

[tmuir]

I thought you were going to say it was hill or mountain oysters.

 

[ChooChooMike]

I thought you were going to say it was hill or mountain oysters.

Or otherwise known as "Rocky Mountain Oysters"

 

[cobra428]

What is your opinion...?

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'



AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[bigal2749]

To follow up with the diet recommendation
A gentleman went to the doctor and asked if he ate right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't chase women all nite long--would he live longer?

Doctor said," Probably not but it will seem like it".

 

[steamer]

quote"
CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. "quote

Rof} Rof} Rof}



God I love this forum!

 

[Kermit]

Middle Age:


That time in ones life when a narrow waist and broad mind start to change places.

 

[tel]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I didn't realise Americans spoke English!

 

[gilessim]

Tel,

that's just what I was going to say!, no offence guys, just English/antipodean humour!

Giles

 

[cobra428]

I owned an MGB for 15 years and did all the maintenance on it myself. I did all the maintenance myself. I did all the maintenance myself..........So, I had a shop manual and in the back was an English to English translater. Bonnet...Hat...No....Hood ??? ???
Fascia No Dashboard ;D
Tony

 

[Stan]

Tony: You deserve a medal for even keeping an MGB for 15 years, especially if you had the carburetor that controlled fuel instead of air for starting. BTDT
Stan

 

[cobra428]

Stan
I had double trouble 2 SU's and yes the needles would come down to richen her up when you pulled the choke. Had my uni-sync tool to adjust the air flow. And the electrics where Lucas, when a drop of rain fell something electrical would stop working. Don't know how the Brit's dealt with it in foggy old England. :big:
Tony

 

[tel]

Lucas wasn't known as THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS for nothing. ;D

 

[steamer]

I didn't realise Americans spoke English!

That's OK....neither do you Aussies! ONYA! ;D

 

[Tin Falcon]

Have you seen this one.?

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Tin

 

[RobWilson]

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