Humour

[tel]

Centering system for the 4-jaw?

 

[ChooChooMike]

Or checking the alignment on your lathe dog ....

 

[malcolmt]

When all else fails.........................GET A BIGGER HAMMER

When all else fails............................Hide the evidence

 

[RICHARDDV]

I was always told that if all else fails ,get the paper knee pad that came with the offending tool and read it.
richard

 

[ChooChooMike]

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger :hDe:

Rof} woohoo1

A butcher who backs into meat-grinder gets a little behind in his orders.

When the wheel was invented, there was a revolution.

On the highway, a small automobile being pulled by a motor home, displayed a sign in its rear window reading "I go where I'm towed."

Mickey Mouse stole all of Minnie’s apples. Yep, he left Minnie apple less.

The cowboy that got fired from his ranch job wasn't crazy, he was just deranged.

The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks. (Gary Hallock)

While walking her pet terrier one afternoon, little Mary bumped into little Theodore, who was out walking his Doberman. "Hey," said Theodore as his dog stopped to scratch himself, "Does your dog have fleas?" "Don't be silly," she replied, "Dogs have puppies."

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

Bob volunteered at the local monastery's food festival for the needy. He was cooking the chicken when he spilled grease on his pants. But when he went to change, he tripped over a monk. Asked if things went from bad to worse, he said ruefully that he went out of the frying pants and into the frier. (Kim Komando)

 

[dsquire]

For your consideration.

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ​

Cheers :bow:

Don

 

[zeeprogrammer]

Some personal humiliation...

For several days, 'T' (my wife) has commented on a blue vein that suddenly appeared on the side of my nose. I didn't think too much about it...other than maybe it was a sign of some dread disease...or a few too many vodka martinis after work. Maybe it was just a sign of age. I'm 57.

Tonight I'm looking in the mirror and it was even more prevalent. Now I'm getting worried.

I rubbed it. It was lighter! I rubbed some more. It was gone! What the...?

It's my glasses. I wear cheap reading glasses and a close inspection showed some green stuff along the brass rim that sits on my nose.

I don't have a reputation for thinking about how I look. Nor do I take good care of cheap reading glasses.

As it happens, today I had succumbed to the pleadings of my family to get better looking reading glasses. I bought two...as well as a pair of sunglasses.

After explaining the 'blue vein' and getting past the 'ews' and 'ughs' from the family, I took the 'fashion walk' and showed off my purchases.

I can't win. What I thought were decent choices of reading glasses was looked upon by my family as evidence that I have no fashion sense at all. And, while I thought the sunglasses were completely idiotic on me, they thought they were my best choice.

I could only cite to them that this was evidence that I needed help when purchasing clothes etc. Something which, for reasons I do not understand, they seem loathe to do.

They should be happy that I no longer wear bell-bottom jeans, earth shoes, dickeys, wide ties, Frye boots, or that Nehru jacket that I got from grandma who didn't know better. And I'm far less hairier than I used to be. (Not all from choice...but some.)

I get a laugh that my kids think 'Mom' and I were hippies back then. I'll never tell them the truth. :big:

Funny though...I still had my 70's windbreaker...you know the kind...big collar. My oldest daughter thought it was the coolest and wore it until it fell apart.

Oh...and today they think Converse low-quarter or high-top All-Star tennis shoes are the rage. They were a commodity in my day. I had black ones...and orange ones. School colors.

Maybe I should reduce the vodka. :big:

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Grapes are a popular fruit to grow around these parts and I certainly have my share of them growing around the yard, including some that are growing up the lattice and over the top of my deck cover at the rear of the house. This area is home to my two dogs, Max and Niki who love hanging out in the gigantic dog house I just built for them a couple of weeks ago. For the last few evenings after sunset, these two canine mutts have been barking up a storm. Turns out they're not too fond of the raccoons who have been climbing up the lattice around the edge of the porch to get at the ripening grapes. If I step out onto the porch the raccoons will leap from the deck roof and hit the ground with a loud "whump!" and take off into the bushes. They would rather jump than work their way back down the lattice, understandably so. This is actually pretty entertaining because it's a long way to the ground from up top and you never know how they're going to land, neither do they. The dogs cannot chase them because they are trained not to leave the deck area unless given permission.

The night before last during one of these episodes, I had the bright idea to take Max out and follow the trail of one of the raccoons who jumped. Perhaps I could teach the raccoon a lesson by giving him a face-to-face encounter with a 100lb growling dog. This would be fun for Max too. I had to do this on the sly as my wife is very protective of our dogs and I knew she wouldn't approve. I opened the gate leading from the deck and together Max and I noiselessly went up the hill into the fruit orchard where I suspected they might be hiding. Casting my flashlight around, I didn't see much until I shone it upwards into the trees. Lo and behold, there was a good-sized raccoon hanging there in the apple tree, hoping we wouldn't see him. Well, Max didn't see him yet, but I certainly did.

This was the opportunity I was hoping for! I gave the branch that Mr. Raccoon was clinging to a good shake and….whumph! He hit the ground right smack dab in front of Max who was taken completely by surprise. They were face-to-face, not two feet from each other, just as I'd imagined it. What a glorious night!

Max gave a big growl and Rocky Raccoon sped off into the nearest dense thicket. Max took off like a bullet and followed him in. My adrenaline was spiking! From the sound, I could tell the raccoon had turned to face Max and a mighty battle began. Imagine the fury of a cat fight but the sounds here were more guttural and ferocious and much louder! Yup, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this might not have been one of my brighter ideas.

From where I was at, I couldn't see what was going on inside the bushes and suddenly the growling turned to squealing and sounds of panic... and pain… and then...nothing. No sound, no animals, just me standing there in the dark darting my flashlight about. I called to Max, there was no response. I fought my way into the thick of the bushes...nothing. I was starting to get pretty worried...well…panicked is more like it. I looked all over the orchard but came up empty.

I can hear the back door on the deck creak open and out steps the wife, Sally. "You out here?" she calls. I answer from the darkness, "I'm up here!"

"Did you hear something?" she asks.

"There might have been a cat fight!" I said.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I had to think fast…"Ummm…I was taking Max out for a walk, just to see if maybe he could pee here and there to help keep raccoons and deer away. " I had no idea if Max was alive and injured or if the raccoon carried him off for dinner or what. I didn't want her to know yet what had happened, not wishing to spend the entire night out in my newly-built gigantic dog house.

"Well, why is he down here then, standing by the gate wanting me to let him in?" she said.

I hadn't thought to look there. I rushed down the hill, fearing the worst, that his ears were bitten off, that he was limping, that his tail was gone, half a nose, something. What was I going to tell the wife? But I get there and didn't see any blood spilling out onto the deck. All the requisite dog parts seemed to be there. He wasn't shaking or trembling.

I felt waves of relief and opened the gate to let him in. "Guess he got tired of walking", I said. Heart starting to slow back down.

Max went over to his doghouse, did the usual circling thing, and laid down as if nothing had happened.

Another night out in the sticks.

Last night the dogs were barking. I didn't go out to see why.

 

[tel]

;D So wot does raccoon taste like?

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Like chicken, of course! :big:

 

[tel]

Some'ow I thought it might.

 

[zeeprogrammer]

I'm thinking there's a price to pay to keep my mouth shut. :big:
But I'm going to hang onto it lest Trout gets something on me.

 

[Bernd]

Your lucky the dog survived and that the coon didn't have rabies. I've heard and seen pictures of cornered racoon's who have killed coon dogs. When a raccoon gets cornered it will fight like a wolverine. Don't be fooled by their cute bandid look, they can be vicious.

Bernd

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Truly my life passed before my eyes for a moment there.

I'm thinking there's a price to pay to keep my mouth shut. :big:
But I'm going to hang onto it lest Trout gets something on me.

Hey, she's never gonna find out. It's not like I posted it on the Internet or anything like that. *beer*

Don't be fooled by their cute bandit look, they can be vicious. Bernd

Right on, my wife is exactly like that. Hence the reason my life passed before my very eyes. If that had happened you wouldn't be seeing this post in the Humor thread.

 

[rcmadness]

Great story Trout, just remember coons don't always just jump the dogs. Many of coon hunter has learned the hard way that a scared coon will tie into anything in its path including coon hunters. Especially when you knock them out of a tree. ;D

If that coon had fell out of that tree on your head I can assure you that you would have no longer been concerned about your dog or your wife's feelings. :big:

Not that I have ever done such a thing!!!!!

 

[Maryak]

If that coon had fell out of that tree on your head I can assure you that you would have no longer been concerned about your dog or your wife's feelings.

In Oz coon is a type of cheese ;D ..................so I'm a bit mystified

Best Regards
Bob

 

[tel]

... and very nice cheese it is too - if only I was allowed it!

 

[SAM in LA]

In Oz coon is a type of cheese ;D ..................so I'm a bit mystified

Best Regards
Bob

Bob,

Coon in the US is a raccoon.

An animal that can be quit vicious if cornered.

Best handled from a distance with a gun.

SAM

 

[Maryak]

Bob,

Coon in the US is a raccoon.

An animal that can be quit vicious if cornered.

Best handled from a distance with a gun.

SAM

Thanks Sam - I couldn't quite imagine a cheese in a tree landing on my head and me worrying about my wife's feelings.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Bernd]

Hey Bob,

This is what the little critter looks like:

Bernd