Humour

[Deanofid]

What's with this language?

 

[johnthomp]

i think its been censored i should have written f**k

 

[ksouers]

Mr johnthomp, please refrain from using that language at all.

We try to keep this a "family friendly" forum. And there are ladies who visit, as well.

 

[SAM in LA]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Here are a few that a buddy sent me.

Enjoy!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'

 

[johnthomp]

Mr johnthomp, please refrain from using that language at all.

We try to keep this a "family friendly" forum. And there are ladies who visit, as well.

thanks for the nudge i never thought of it that way so ill apologise here and now to any persons be they ladies or gents both young and old for anything i may have written that may have caused any emotional or morral discomfort in any way
i guess its just my common as muck upbringing showing through
i am soooo sorry i have no real excuse for it i just get carried away sometimes :hDe:

 

[Ned Ludd]

A Mother and her Son were in the back of a taxi driving through Soho, when the boy says to his Mother "Mummy, What are those women doing standing on street corners for."
To which she replies "never mind about them".
The Taxi driver having head the conversation turns his head and say "Go on missus, tell him what they are". Somewhat flustered she explains all about "ladies of the night" and what they do. The boy thinks for a moment and asks "Do these women have children?" Mummy replies quickly "Of course they do, Son. Where do you think Taxi drivers come from?"

 

[wizardofwood]

An older couple were being interviewed at our church, and when asked the secret of their
55 year marriage he replied with "I try and make sure we go out at least one night a week,
I go out Tuesday nights ,she goes out Wednesday nights."

 

[Tin Falcon]

Think this speaks for itself
Tin

 

[Antti]

a man was driving along the road. suddenly he saw a red man waving his hand. the driver stopped. the red man said: "i'm a gay and i will rape you if you dont give me some food". the driving man was scared and gave him his lunchbox and continued driving. a bit later, there was another man waving hand. this man was yellow. the driver stopped and the yellow man said:"i'm a gay and i will rape you if you dont give me a drink". driver became even more scared and gave him his bottle of juice and continued driving. a bit later, there was a blue man waving him to stop. the driver stopped and asked the blue man:"what the f*ck you gay want from me!!!?" the blue man answerred: "driving license and vehicle registration please"

 

[Maryak]

Guys,

Just had to share this one. I have not had such a good laugh in a while.



Best Regards
Bob

 

[dsquire]

Bob

That is a good one. While watching that I clicked a couple of the others and got the one of the little girl burying the goldfish. I thought that was pretty good although I have seen it before someplace, maybe you posted it. Thanks Bob. :bow:

Cheers

Don

 

[ChooChooMike]

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law

 

[Maryak]

When all else fails.........................GET A BIGGER HAMMER

 

[cidrontmg]

Hm. I´ve heard that when all else fails, it´s time to read the manual...

 

[johnthomp]

iv always been told if all else fails put the kettle on and calm down then go back at it with a fresh mind for half a hour then resort to breaking out the 10lb sledge hammer and proceed to bury the damn object 6" through the concrete floor in a caveman fashion then start again the next day

 

[johnthomp]

i saw a good sign today in the local garage it just said

to the optimist the glass is half full
to the pescimist the glas is half empty
to the engineer the glass is twice the capacity needed in the first place

 

[Ned Ludd]

Two Victorian swells in a rail carriage each quietly reading a newspaper, when one of them drops his paper and sniffs the air. "Excuse me, Sir",he says, "but have you just farted?"
The other drops his paper, looks aghast and says "Dammit Man of course I have, you don't think I always smell like this do you?"

 

[Antti]

Once upon a time, there was a supermarket where everything was available. I mean EVERYTHING. One day, some workers were needed there and one boy from countryside came to the interview.

-"So, you live in the countryside?"
-"Yes I do..."
-"Have you got any experience of marketing?"
-"I have done something..."

The boy seemed shy but somehow the boss liked him and he decided to take him to work. After the first day, the boss went to see the boy how he is doing.

-"Hi there how are you doing? how many customers you had today?"
-"I had one"
-"Only one? I'm a bit dissappointed. Normally our workers have about 30 customers each day. What was the value of your customer's purchase?"
-"200 000 $"
-"200 000!!!??? What did you sell?"
-"Well, first I sold a fishing hook, then some fishing lures and finally fishing lure manufacturing equipment. Then I sold him some regular fishing line, then a bit better one and finally some barracuda-proof super line. Of course he needed also a fishing rod, so I sold him the best fishing rod available. And how could you fish without a boat? I sold him also a boat with 30hp engine + trailer. Then he said that my VW beetle can't pull that trailer, so I sold him a Range Rover. That did quite precisely 197 000 $."
-"Damm you are a man! He comes to buy some fishing hooks and you sell him all that stuff!"
-"Erm it didn't exactly go that way. When that man came to me, he said he needs some tampons for his wife, so I said your weekend is ruined anyway so why don't you go fishing?"

 

[robwilk]

How true is this

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

 

[Deanofid]

The Light at the end of the Tunnel.