Humour

[Tin Falcon]

Bob:
I must disagree every history buff knows solders were first then sailors then UGH marines I think he really messed up on that one LOL then a long time later came Airmen. god obviously though this final creation carefully and perfected them in his image.
You Know I had to say that. Of course tongue firmly planted in cheek.
Tin Falcon
USAF reserves(Air Guard) Retired.

 

[dsquire]

Joke of the Year .....


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.


Cheers

Don

 

[johnthomp]

how do you make a cat sound like a dog
cover it with petrol and flick a match at it
WOOOFF

 

[Artie]

how do you make a cat sound like a dog
cover it with petrol and flick a match at it
WOOOFF

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in a freezer for 24 hours then run through a bandsaw MEEOOOWWW

 

[johnthomp]

i leant my beloved car to the missus yesterday verry worried after she set off i heared ont the radio that there was a car going down the motorway in the wrong direction so i foned her to tell her to watch out for it and be carefull she replied with theyre all going the wrong friggin way !!!

 

[Maryak]

One for the Shooters - From my Cousin in Canada.

Major General Peter Cosgrove is a Pure Australian treasure!'


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers..
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

[steamer]

Oh that is beautiful.....it's 4 am and it made my whole already! ;D

Dave

 

[b.lindsey]

That is tooooo funny Maryak!! I suspect if it were to happen here in the US, the general would have been busted to a private after the interview but you gotta admire his honesty...made my day too....thanks for sharing it.

Bill

 

[BAH101]

39 things you should have learned by now


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth.. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

[Metal Mickey]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman for some bread. "we don't have bread said the barman". "Can I have some bread?" said the duck?". "we don't sell bread!" said the barman a little annoyed now. "Can I have some bread?" said the duck. "Look!" said the barman "If you ask for bread one more time I will come around there and nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck looked up and said "Can I have some nails please?" to the barman who replied "We don't have any nails!"...



.........."Can I have some bread" said the duck...................................... :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:

 

[putputman]

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Admin note according to snopes.com the origins of this e-mail are mixed. It is a interesting piece of humorous internet lore
see http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp I has been circulation the web since 2007.
Tin

 

[Artie]

Oh!

 

[Tin Falcon]

I think any thought I had of wanting more women active on this board just went out the window. wow
Tin

 

[steamer]

Priceless! :big: Rof} Rof}

I'm gonna print that out and give it to my wife......if you never hear from me again....

Dave

 

[Deanofid]

Priceless! :big: Rof} Rof}
......if you never hear from me again....

.... you deserved it...

 

[steamer]

Rof} :fan:


Actually....she'll think it hysterical....provided I don't tell her it came from a bunch a guys at HMEM.... :big:

Dave

 

[rake60]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano.
He asks what it is all about and the bartender says he'll tell him later.

So he asks the bartender for a drink and the bartender says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie,
who says, 'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks
crowding the bar. He tells the bartender,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The bartender replies,
'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

 

[GailInNM]

I was standing in the checkout line at the local market and ahead of me was a very attractive young lady of 30 something or thereabouts. I was reminded of my Father many years ago when he was about my age or a little bit older. He and I were out shopping and under similar circumstances he turned to me and said, " If only I were 20 years OLDER, then maybe I wouldn't give a damn."


I am beginning to have similar feelings. Am I turning into my Father ??

 

[Maryak]

There are two four letter words I have an anathma to.

DON'T and STOP

Unless of course they are used together

DON'T STOP

Best Regards
Bob

 

[johnthomp]

in an old folks hospice the staff were fed up of complaints from relatives of the patients about how unhappy and depressed their family elders seemed to be
so as a last resort the management of the hospice decided to get them all hypnotised to be happy and desguised this as a stage show for the residents
on the afternoon of the show the hypnotist started his act by pulling out a verry highly polished ans shiny heart shaped chrystal pendant on the end of a verry fine gold chain and started it swinging back and forth telling the audience to repeat the words watch the crystal watch the chrystal
this went on for a few minutes and just as he had them all under his power the chain snapped and the heart smashed into a million pieces on the floor and the hypnotist shouted ****
it took the staff a week to clean all that up
just a good job he didnt shout **** me !!!!