Humour

[kf2qd]

He sounds like he just might be a keeper.

 

[Artie]

Hey Dean, sense of humour... that he has in spades... Tel if he had teh resources I have no doubt I would have seen more.... and KF, we have decided to 'let' him hang around for a few decades.... but AS SOON as his times up........ 8) 8) 8)

 

[dsquire]

.... but AS SOON as his times up........ 8) 8) 8)

Artie

I figured that he better sleep with one eye open. :big: :big: :big:

Cheers

Don

 

[BAH101]

Havin' a bad day

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he! got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

 

[rake60]

That's a good one BAH101!

Rof}

 

[d.bick]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour..
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said ...............

"Your house!"

 

[BAH101]

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect...'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it... Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

 

[kcmillin]

:big: :big: Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}

That is funny because it is true.
I worked in a call center for awhile, and it was not an uncommon event to have the customer "Plug the machine to to wall" to fix a "broken computer"

My favorite call was a "Broken coffee cup holder" or better known as the cd rom drive.

and of course the classic "Which one is the "Any" key"


Kel

 

[rake60]

 

[steamer]

Oh that's beautiful!...

Dave

 

[Maryak]

This came my way today.

Marriage Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
_____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
______________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Susan on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Susan was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining
consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

 

[b.lindsey]

An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[Maryak]

This was done to a large opening bridge in St Petersburg. It appeared on the birthday of the Cuban revolutionary Che Gevari.

Every time the bridge is raised, the FSB gets the bird. So far police have not been able to find enough evidence to prosecute any of the suspected groups. Mind you I don't think they are looking too hard.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Twmaster]

Sweet!

 

[Deanofid]

Maybe this isn't really funny. It sure does make one wonder how these people survive.
His eyeballs must feel like sandpaper.

 

[user 1493]

I was in Hong Kong one day and watched a man welding a railing while standing knee deep in the harbor with out any eye protection-and we are supposed to compete with workers in Far Eastern countries.

Jack

 

[Maryak]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.

 

[Cedge]

A caller to a local talk radio program came up with a foolproof way to end the gulf coast oil leak crisis. He suggested that all they needed was a female's wedding ring. Just slip it over the end of the pipe and it'll immediately stop putting out.

Steve

 

[Tin Falcon]

stumbled across this gives the term squirrel gun a whole new meaning just had to post the link.

Tin

 

[Maryak]

Received this today from an old Navy mate......................couldn't help myself

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God. In the beginning was God – and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the Heavens and the Earth. He created the Sun and the Moon and the Stars so that light might pierce the darkness. And the Earth God divided between the land and the sea, and these He filled with many assorted creatures.

And God created life in many forms, one of which was human, and the lowest form he called Soldiers. But God is filled with love and mercy and to cover their nakedness he gave them trousers which were too long, shirts which were too short and deep pockets in which to warm their hands. Then he gave them very loud voices and a limited vocabulary of words, all of which have only one syllable, that they might understand each other.

But the result was such that God’s sense of humour was outraged so he embellished their uniforms. God gave them badges and he gave them coloured cords. Then he gave them ribbons, and patches, and crowns, and chevrons. He gave them emblems and crests and all sorts of shiny things that glittered and devices that dangled. (When you’re God you tend to get carried away in a big way).

When all this was finished it was the fifth day of God’s labours. For looking after Soldiers is very tiresome and God looked for an easier creation.

Then God created flighty creatures of the air, which he called Airmen, (God is very bright), and these he clothed in uniforms which were ruffled and fowl. But being a wise and just God he allowed them to wear bushy moustaches in order to hide their ungodly features. And the Airmen too talked to each other and were not understood by the Soldiers. So most of the time the Airmen talked to themselves and remained in constant admiration of the brilliance of their dialogue.

And on the seventh day God rested. On the eighth day God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. GOD WAS NOT HAPPY!!

So He thought about His labours and in his infinite wisdom He created divine creatures and these creatures he called sailors. And Sailors were created in the image of God Himself. He made them tall, with wavy hair and sparkling eyes, of splendid physique and calm demeanour. Resolute and courageous, God made them rule the seas and to give direction and guidance to the lesser creatures. And to complement their superior bearing, God gave them wonderful uniforms.

He gave them practical, fighting uniforms so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and Evil.

He gave them Service uniforms for their daily work and training, so that they might be sharp and ready.

And he gave their Officers and Senior people evening dress uniforms. Sharp, stylish, handsome things so that they might win the hearts of the ladies at cocktail parties and impress the hell out of everybody!!

And at the end of the eighth day, God looked down upon the earth and He saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy because, in the course of his labours, He had forgotten one thing. He had forgotten to give himself a Sailors uniform! But He thought about it and finally satisfied himself in knowing that well, not everybody can be a Sailor.