Humour in model engineering

[Bogstandard]

Come on lads, this is here to be taken lightly as a bit of light relief.
No need to pull things apart because of a few dodgy bits.
If you haven't got a sense of humour you shouldn't be reading these posts anyway.

Anyway, here is an easy one.

What can go up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up.

But if you have got the answer, you can't reply unless you can post another little teaser.

BTW, nice reply Wareagle.

John

 

[DICKEYBIRD]

A 'brelly. (Umbrella)

From my daughter when she was 5: "Why do cows have bells ?"

 

[mklotz]

Lew,

A shark is indeed a fish. Check any biology text or the myriad references available on the web. Are you confusing fish with cetaceans (whales, dolphins, porpoises etc.)?

Speaking of porpoises...

Jerry, a friend of mine who works for the Monterey aquarium as a cetacean research scientist, recently isolated an enzyme in a rare African seagull which, if ingested by porpoises, can significantly extend their lifespan.

He traveled to the African coast and collected a number of these birds for his research.
On his way back from the coast to the local aquarium in which the porpoises were housed, he encountered a lion lying on the footpath. Terrified at first, he soon realized that the lion was unconscious. So he gingerly stepped across the beast and continued safely to the aquarium.

When he reached the aquarium he was, to his surprise, promptly arrested by the local police.

The charge, of course, was...

Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

 

[Bogstandard]

Very good that one Marv.

Now, "Why do cows have bells ?"

John

 

[DICKEYBIRD]

" 'Cuz their horns don't work!" :roll:

 

[Cedge]

Oh no!!.. there goes the neighborhood... we've stooped so low as to begin punning... LOL

Steve

 

[mklotz]

Gee, Steve, maybe you'll like this inspirational story better.

There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks. These monks,
having need of money to fund their monastary, decided to open up a flower
shop. Well the rest of the townspeople were very pleased at first, since they
hadn't had a flower shop before. However, some people became concerned when
they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to buy (you
guessed it!) flowers, they went missing.

A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had
happened to them. They entered the store and were immediately impressed and
awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present. However, their
admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down,
grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole!

The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other
townspeople. As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only
thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks!

A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves with clubs and
staves. At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop. However, they
were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed
brothers: The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes!

So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives
and scythes. At midnight, they attacked. But once again, the merciless monks
beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes!

The townspeople were at a loss. Who would save them from the corrupt
Cappucins? Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith,the
tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village.

"Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "*I* will rid this town of these evil
evangelists!"

The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a
relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and
scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars. They waited
impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would
return victorious.

Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, sillouetted against the afternoon sun,
appeared Hugh. Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous
man-eating plant.

"The monks have fled! Their flowers will trouble us no more!", cried
Hugh. The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a
holiday, feasted and danced until dawn.

From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the
town. Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow,
smelly ways, they were reminded:

"ONLY HUGH CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS"

 

[lugnut]

:shock: Marv, I think you need a rest and then go spend some time in the shop. You must be really bored. :lol:
Mel

 

[Bogstandard]

At times it is either laughing or crying, I'm know which one I would rather do.

But it can be fun, just don't get too serious.

I think now is the time to tell you about my time in the desert.

In my youth, I had just celebrated my 21st birthday a couple of days before, I was stationed at a little known RAF base 14 miles from Dubai (when Dubai was still a camel stop and slave trading port).
I worked on the visiting aircraft team, where aircraft from all nations would be serviced and looked after during their brief stopover.
Money was tight in those days, and to gain a little bit more, (about 50 cents per day) we all volunteered for S.A.N.D.U. Which meant whoevers turn it was, emptied the chemical toilets on these visiting aircraft.
It was my turn, and the aircraft was one of the worst type, A Russian AN12 being flown by the Indian Air Force with about 30 passengers. I don't know how long they had been in the air, or what they had been eating, all I will say was that the toilets were overflowing and rather ripe, with a faint aroma of curry in the air.
No such luck on this one, no automatic emptying into a plug in trolley, this was a manual job.
Out came the chemi toilets (polished stainless, with a crap flap on the top), very similar that you get in touring caravans.

These delightful little units were then lashed onto the running boards of an aircraft towing tractor, just in front of my feet as I was driving. I don't know if you know, but towing tractors have no suspension at all, a real spine shattering ride.
Anyway, to continue. We were in someone elses country, so no proper disposal area, just dump it where it couldn't be seen (or smelt). So off the runway and out into the desert, looking for a dark patch. The dark patch, as you get closer, actually rises into the air, millions of great big black lazy flies, hovering over a previous 'dump'.

This time however, because the chemis were rather full, and I was driving a little too fast over hard packed sand, things started to get into a rhythm.

The tractor was jumping up and down and swaying side to side, the contents of the chemis were doing the same thing inside the tank.
Everything started to get into synchronisation, the tractor on the way down, the contents on the way up and then the crap flap decided to drop on one of the units. The contents were ejected into the air, and because we were in forward motion, I got it, full and square. Five gallons of bright blue chemical toilet water plus the contents of the bowels of about 30 Indian airmen, dripping from all my extremities, not a pretty sight (or smell). It took days to get the blue tinge off my skin, but weeks to get over the continual taunting, that is until it happened again, luckily to someone else, he then became the butt of all the jokes, especially from me.

All told, they were the best twelve months of my life.

If I get bored again I just might tell you about the time I was up to my thighs in a swamp, trying to get a helicopter out who was in the same predicament.

John

 

[Cedge]

Hey Marv...
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Steve
(with a straight face, no less)

 

[mklotz]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.

There were these members of a chess club all playing chess in an open entryway to their chess club building. two or three of them started bragging about how great they
were at the game, when suddenly this other member got up, and threw them all out of the club. When asked why he did that he replied...
"If there's one thing I cannot stand it's CHESS NUTS BOASTING IN AN OPEN FOYER!!!"

 

[Cedge]

Marv...
In the days of tall ships and mighty explorers, a small island was discovered in the pacific which was inhabited by a clan of brave warriors lead by a great king. The captain of the ship landed in a small boat and was immediately taken before the king for interrogation. The captain began to tell the king of his own homeland and of the great king who ruled over his own people. The island king learned that the King in this other land lived in a large castle where daily he sat in a very ornate chair raised well above the crowd, so that all came to see him knew that he was indeed a great king.

The King of the island being greatly impressed and more than a little jealous, demanded that the captain send his ship and crew back to his homeland where he was to secure such a chair, while the captain was to remain behind as the king's "honored guest". The ship sailed away and 2 years later returned, to ransom the captain, with the largest, most elaborately carved and gilded chair anyone had ever seen.

The King held a huge feast where he announced that the captain, being an honorable man, would be freed as soon as he and his crew built him a great house with two floors. This would be where he would sit in his chair, above everyone, so that all who saw him would know that he too was a great king. The house was completed and the chair was duly hoisted up to the second story. The king immediately took his place in the chair, high above his people, where upon the floor collapsed and the king and his family were all killed. This pretty much ended any idea of trade, as the captain and his crew barely escaped with their lives.

The Moral of this story?.... Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Steve

 

[wareagle]

All of the boys and girls should be aware that being bad will not be make for a pleasant Christmas!

 

[gilessim]

Once upon a time there was a little village pub in England where there lived a very famous and well loved cat named Tom ,who one day, at the ripe old age of 20, turned his paws up! (died!), his owner, the landlord of the pub, was so sad that he decided to cut off Toms tail and hang it in the pub to remember him, in the meantime, Tom goes upto heaven, but at the pearly gates, st.Peter stops him and says, I'm sorry Tom but I can't let you in because you have no tail, you'll have to go back to earth and get it!, so off Tom goes back to the pub and rings the doorbell, by this time it's very late but eventually the landlord opens the door and says "Tom you've come back!", Tom replies that st.Peter won't let him in and that he needs his tail, the landlord says" I'm really sorry Tom but you know I cant retail spirits after hours!"

 

[Powder keg]

Elephant Stew

Don't get me wrong, I love animals and this recipe was given to me as a laugh, so have a smile with me. This dish takes about 2 to 3 months to prepare.
Note: Under no circumstances do we kill elephants for food in South Africa. All elephants exist protected in their natural habitat in our game parks. When the parks become overpopulated (elephants are very destructive to the flora) they are either re-located or undergo planned culling.

Ingredients

1 Elephant
10 Warthog
100 kilogram tomatoes
half ton potatoes
2 bags onions
100 kilogram salt
1 wheelbarrow onions (heaped)
10 liter vinegar
20 liter chutney
4 Guineafowl

Method

Hunt the elephant, warthog and guineafowl. Hang guineafowl to ripen. Cut elephant into edible chunks, (will take about a month). Boil the warthog with other ingredients (except guineafowl) till nice and juicy. Now boil elephant chunks over high flames till tender. (will take about 4 weeks) and add everything together. Boil for another 5 to 7 days.

Produces about 3,500 helpings.

Note: If the above isn't enough, add the guineafowl as well.

 

[Bogstandard]

Old Dogs

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here? Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story. Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[tattoomike68]

Here is a forklift training video.

[youtube=425,350]Sdjt6Bl5qdY[/youtube]

 

[gilessim]

Superb!

 

[rake60]

I see nothing unusual in that video?

It does bring to mind an incident at a shop I worked for.
A Hytster salesman was in trying to sell the company a new fork truck.
The fork truck operator said "I don't want a new one, I can pick a dime up off the floor with this one."

The salesman offered him $20 to prove that and he laid a dime on the floor.
The fork truck driver got in his rig, drove up and laid a fork on top of the dime.
He slowly backed up and as the fork backed over the dime it flipped back and landed on the fork.
The salesman was impressed and gave up his $20. The shop owner was a little less than impressed.
His question was: "How many hours, and how much fuel did it take to perfect that maneuver?" :-\

Rick

 

[rake60]

Have you ever spent days designing a special tool for a given perpose, only to find that
it has already been done in a much simpler way?

This guy seems to have beaten that.

[youtube=425,350]9aZb5cFmqF4[/youtube]

Rick