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B
Bogstandard
Guest
Dave, it also works on early British and Italian motorcycles.
John
John
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Subject: THE RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**ehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**ehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Mike,
Got the answer to your dot counting puzzle.
14, no wait, 23, no wait 31, no wait ............
nice one,
John
Got the answer to your dot counting puzzle.
14, no wait, 23, no wait 31, no wait ............
nice one,
John
Lathe Nut
rake60 , did not want the group to know that you have been teaching me, I am a looker and learner, while the wife's look on, guess they know each now, sure has kept it from me, but she is still here, I like told mine years ago, it is better in the shop her and me in a bar, that is all it took, he will get anything that I ask or sometimes she buy es tools for me, Love her, will keep her after 38 years it works, tell the Mrs. that we will come in the house more and watch them lady shows and even cry, have fun, Lathe Nut
;D One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other r room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forwarded by a friend
Best regards
Malcolm
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other r room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forwarded by a friend
Best regards
Malcolm
;D
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
Best regards
Malcolm
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
Best regards
Malcolm
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Motor cycling can make your eyes water.
He'll need a new pair of jeans as well.
He'll need a new pair of jeans as well.
This thread is a lot of fun!
Here's a little sign which is amusing:
Here's a little sign which is amusing:
Divided He ad
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2008
- Messages
- 549
- Reaction score
- 2
Erm... That's just great, have you got one in English? .... I don't speak German ??? :
:big:
Ralph.
:big: Ralph.
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Surely Ralph you need one in Welsh not English.
Read it s---l---o---w---l---y in English and then maybe it will click.
John
Read it s---l---o---w---l---y in English and then maybe it will click.
John
Divided He ad
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2008
- Messages
- 549
- Reaction score
- 2
I might live in Wales John but I'm and Englishman.... born in Coventry ;D
Honestly I did get it.... Was trying to be funny.... Obviouslt not very well!!! :big:
Ralph.
Honestly I did get it.... Was trying to be funny.... Obviouslt not very well!!! :big:
Ralph.
G
greenie
Guest
Try this lot.
ODD FACTS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
****************************************************************
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
****************************************************************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet (O.M.G.!)
****************************************************************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
****************************************************************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
****************************************************************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
****************************************************************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
****************************************************************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
****************************************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
****************************************************************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
****************************************************************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
***************************************************************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
****************************************************************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
****************************************************************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
****************************************************************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
****************************************************************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
****************************************************************
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
****************************************************************
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
****************************************************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
__________________
ODD FACTS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
****************************************************************
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
****************************************************************
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet (O.M.G.!)
****************************************************************
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
****************************************************************
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
****************************************************************
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
****************************************************************
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
****************************************************************
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
****************************************************************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
****************************************************************
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
****************************************************************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
***************************************************************
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
****************************************************************
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
****************************************************************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
****************************************************************
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
****************************************************************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
****************************************************************
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
****************************************************************
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares!)
****************************************************************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
__________________
