Humour in model engineering

[Kludge]

6 munfs ago I cudn't spel Injuneer now I are 1. - 12" to the foot model

Hmmm ... when's that coming out as a casting kit (same scale, of course)?

BEst regards,

Kludge ... who got a flash of memories from when steam still lived on the rivers in Pittsburgh, PA.

 

[Maryak]

Happy you liked it :big:

Regards
Bob

 

[jack404]

OK true story

When i was 15 i worked saterday nights at the newspapers putting the colour comics in the sundays paper as well as the catalogues of junk being sold.

i was given a promotion ( easier job) of assisting the reel hand ( bloke who controled the 10 ton rolls of newsprint) by running any broken sheet up to the press room on the floor above when it broke ( if it did not break i did not work but got my pay)

I had heard of a accident from the workers there and the gent involved had just returned to work frpm losing the index finger of his right hand at the first joint.

He was a east european who was called Me Know as when you tryed to explain anything to him he would reply in a insulted tone "me know, me know".

so he is talking to his friend a maltese guy nicknamed "i know" same reasons..

I know was asking "What happen?"

Me know replied " I start the press, it starts, but red oil light comes on, i take off cover and look in it dark i see nothing.

while he is explaining he does everything as he did on the accident, for real..

he started the press he removed the oil filler and looked in.

he says to I know "I see nothing, so i put in my finger" this time he puts in his left hand index finger in and not his right as before and whack! the oiler flyer comes around and neatly takes the other finger tip off clean but a bit less than the other one 4 weeks previously. he did not scream or cry out just looked at the tip of his finger ( or where it was) with the most astounded look on his face..

i had to attend the court with everyone else in the machine room because they sacked him and no-one beleived he was such a idiot and that is was not a setup also as it was the same day he had picked up a cheque for $25,000 for the first lost finger.

( in those days an average nice house was $30K) they gave him another $5K after the court case and got rid of him.

Idiocy pays well !

or did .... at a price..

 

[Loose nut]

Years ago I worked in a furniture factory and in the wood shop where the frames were made an old gent. was pushing boards through a table saw to trim them to size by pushing with his thumb across the end of the board. This is a major safety NO-NO which he soon learned by cutting off the offending digit. After a month off of work he came back ,sans thumb, and on his first day he cut off the thumb of the other hand in the same manner.

It might be in poor taste to see someones else pain and suffering as funny but after 30 years I still can't think about it without a laugh, some people just don't learn.

 

[Bernd]

Years ago I worked in a furniture factory and in the wood shop where the frames were made an old gent. was pushing boards through a table saw to trim them to size by pushing with his thumb across the end of the board. This is a major safety NO-NO which he soon learned by cutting off the offending digit. After a month off of work he came back ,sans thumb, and on his first day he cut off the thumb of the other hand in the same manner.

It might be in poor taste to see someones else pain and suffering as funny but after 30 years I still can't think about it without a laugh, some people just don't learn.

Ah, yes. Ya can't fix stupid.

Bernd

 

[Kludge]

Ya can't fix stupid.

No, but sometimes it's good for a chuckle or two.

Best regards,

Kludge

 

[Maryak]

An old couple in a nursing home thought than they would have a better life if they took shared accommodation rather than the individual units they currently occupied.

They had been very good friends for a number of years in the home, but this was a major step for both of them.

Before taking such a big step they decided that they must discuss and try to iron out any potential problems arising from their living together.

Eventually their discussions broached the subject of intimate relations. The old lady was pretty straight forward and asked the old man, "And what about sex?"

Ever the gentleman and not wishing to upset things he replied, "Infrequently."

"OH," she said, "Is that one word or two???"

 

[rake60]

OK totally out of line but a story I find amusing...

A man walks into a bar with a small wooden box.
He opens the box and a little man about 18" tall jumps out onto the
bar's piano bench. The little man starts to play the classic piano
compositions of the masters. People are amazed and immediately begin
to fill the jar on the piano with cash tips.

One pattron puts a $20 note into the jar and asks the man how he ever
became associated with this talented little guy.

The man replies:
I was walking along the beach one night and found an old brass lamp in the
surf. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He was an older genie, kind of hard of
hearing. He promised me three wishes. My first was for a million bucks!
Suddenly I was drowning in a flood of quacking ducks.
For my second wish, I asked for a beautiful wife. There was a little puff of
smoke and in my hand was a pure gold, gem studded dagger.

The pattron says, "But that still doesn't tell me how you found this little man."

"Well, would YOU have wished for an 18" pianist?"

 

[Maryak]

Rick,

That's a beauty.

Regards
Bob

 

[Cedge]

Another true story. When i was a wee lad, 3 or 4 years of age, my grandfather was a farmer in a small rough and tumble part of this area. Most of the farmers around him were hard men made even harder by the days of the great depression. One fellow in particular, Tee Rector was a hard man even by their standards.

He was the sort who believed that some men just needed killing and he had been known to oblige that need. In fact Tee had done a couple of hard stretches in the penitentiary for doing that very thing. It was widely accepted that no one, but no one, messed with Tee.

The story goes that my grandfather had me riding as co-pilot with him in his old truck. For some reason granddad had some sort of business with Tee and we stopped in at his home for a visit. Granddad took me inside and apparently I was the center of attention, even winding up sitting in Tee's lap as he played with me.

Now Tee was not a fancy sort. Bib overalls and flannel shirts were about as dressed up as he ever got. He did, however, have one thing that he did take pride in. that was his beard. Tee had a HUGE beard that reached well down his chest. Rumor had it the only time he had ever shaved it was when he was in prison. No one in the community could ever remember having seen him without it. The other half of that equation was that his prim and proper wife hated it with a passion she usually reserved only for methodist ministers.

Her opinion was that the beard had a living population and the tobacco stains on the front were of particular offense. I think he kept it just to annoy her as much as due to any personal affection he had for it.

That day, as I sat in his lap I'm told i kept playing with the beard, which greatly pleased old Tee. After a bit I looked up at him and asked a fateful question. With the innocence of a child, I asked him whether he slept with his big beard under the covers... or outside. Everyone had a chuckle and we soon left.

A couple of weeks went by and Granddad and I wound up visiting Tee again. When Tee opened the door, he saw me and mumbled "theres that little sh*ta$$" There in the door stood a completely beardless Tee. Grandad asked him what his comment was all about, especially considering how well he and I had gotten on during our last visit.

Tee began to laugh, which apprently made all concerned a little more at ease. He explained that the night of our visit he went to bed as usual, except things were not quite normal. He tried the beard under the cover, then he tried it outside. This went on all night and he never got to sleep. In fact....over the next week he got no sleep at all, as he kept trying the beard inside and then outside the sheets. After a week, he shaved it and never grew it again. From that day onward...His wife stuffed me with lemonade and homemade cookies... every time I ever visited.

I attended Tee's funeral while I was in my late teens and I was still known as "that sh*ta$$ kid" until the day he died. His wife told me the story right after his funeral and she had herself one huge belly cramping good laugh, in the telling of it.

Steve

 

[Maryak]

How True is This : : : ??? ??? ???

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light.

Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the
time it takes you to say,
''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire.Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.

Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs.

It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[rake60]

Far TOO True Maryak! :big:

Thanks for the laugh.
I needed that right about now.

Rick

 

[Maryak]

Rick,

Glad you enjoyed it, came in my email a fwd from USA.

Regards
Bob

 

[Maryak]

I like this one

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat firinga truck!!"

 

[dsquire]

Maryak

Good one. I believe that I have heard it before or one similar to it but it still brings a chuckle. Thanks.

Here is another one.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?

''Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?

''I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...'I would have been released
today.'
Cheers

Don

 

[Maryak]

Don,

Another goodie, I enjoyed yours very much.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Maryak]

What's the difference between a Boomerang and a stick ??? ???............

It's called a stick when it won't come back.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[dsquire]

Bob

Here is another chuckle for you

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!'

cheers

Don

 

[Maryak]

Received this from one of my old Navy mates.

GENERATION Y

 

[crankshafter]

Received this from one of my old Navy mates.

GENERATION Y

Bob.
Where the h&#&%#(/(/ did you get that pic. of my son.