Awkward Evening

[Cedge]

I know its been a while since I've posted but this group is probably the most level headed bunch I know. I hope you won't mind my venting a bit and asking for some advice.

I've known this particular couple for nearly 20 years and always considered them to be close friends. Recently, he announced he was leaving her for another woman. I can't say I was shocked, since his wife is a pretty much of a shrew who constantly made his life "difficult". As many of their friends have said, it was never an "IF" but a "WHEN" situation. To make things even stickier, he is also my wife's employer, dating from when we first met.

He's certainly not what you'd call studly, so when this relatively attractive lady let him have a test drive, he went into emotional overdrive and now apparently thinks only with the smaller of his two heads. Tonight, we were asked to join them for dinner and after some trepidation, decided to go and see how things went. To put it mildly, it was awkward, but for most of the meal, manageable... right up to when this woman began blasting the soon to be ex wife. I kept my cool and sat poker faced as she caught full sail and began soliciting us to agree with her assessments. I did my best imitation of a fence post, right up to the moment HE looked at me and commented that I was obviously avoiding the conversation and that he could see my teeth grinding.

After a few very long seconds of silence, I spoke. I told them I'd known him and his wife for many years and had love for both of them. I would not be put in a position to put either of them down. I then expressed that all I saw was pain.... lots of pain to go around for all concerned, including his new girlfriend. Needless to say, this pretty much ended what was already an awkward evening, with a fresh turd in the punchbowl. Not to mention the swift kick to my left ankle from my wife.

As first impressions go, her's was about as bad as it gets. All I could see was an over the hill, high maintenance country gal who's overgrazed her hubby's pasture and is now in search of fresher, greener grazing territory. Sooner or later he's going to ask my opinion of things and then I've got to choose between losing a long time friend by trying to save him from his own delusions or remaining quite while he drills even more holes in the sinking boat he's sitting in. Either way I choose leads to his eventual destruction...... not to mention putting my wife's future employment at risk. It feels like being forced into watching an ongoing train wreck.

I've already told my wife that I refuse to be put into any further uncomfortable situations like the one this evening, but that too will become glaringly obvious over a period of time. Thanks for any advice, but I guess I really just needed to vent a bit.

Best
Steve

 

[ausdier]

My wife and I had something similar with a female friend of ours.
Once the train wreck of her fist bounceback was over we said that we both didn't really like him in the first place and that we were only playing along for her sake as she seemed happy.
She then told us that she did value our opinion and would like us to speak up in the future.
If your friend reacts badly about being told YOUR feeling then his loss.
As hard as it may seem if you are a friend of his then I believe you should tell him.
I have lost a few friends with this attitude but life is to short to be tip-toeing around all the time.
I have also got some friends back after they wake up and realise that I was just trying to be a true friend.
I hope this gives some help.

 

[Blogwitch]

Steve,

As you know, I am an outspoken person and don't usually hold back.

This same scenario happened with my best friend Tel, my mentor, about 3 years ago.

All I told him was that I would remain friends as long as things didn't get nasty, he had to make the decisions, not me, and it wasn't up to me to cast the first stone, then I kept my mouth and feelings locked in.

I told his wife and his new friend exactly the same thing when they came to me for a sympathy vote.

The only thing you can really tell them is to stay friends, if possible, during this sordid episode, otherwise everyone loses out.

There is usually more under the surface than is known. I later found out that it was his wife who undermined the 30+ years old marriage, by spending his savings without telling him, giving all the money to their useless daughter and her drug addiction.

It finally ended up where all parties get on very well together, even with myself, and I hope that is was because of my way of treating things, as I was the only friend they confided in during the hard times between them.
That kept everything more amiable than the usual hatred that exists in situations like this.

All you can do is explain your feelings and let them get on with it.


John

 

[bezalel2000]

Hi Steve


If my advice is worth anything, I think you owe it to your friend and your wife to hold fast to two rules.

1. Stick by your friend no matter what partner he chooses.

2. The X remains OT.


your friend's new relationship could go two ways - if it grows, be happy with him - if it declines, he is going to need a real friend around.

When the topic moves to the X, respond gently " I am not comfortable with this subject, can we please discuss something else".


When the next invitation comes, grab it as an opportunity to keep a friend.

Good luck with it any way

Bez

 

[Brian Rupnow]

Cedge---There is really nothing you can do, excpt stand back and watch an old friendship disintigrate. My wife and I have friends of over 30 years. Twenty years ago my friend, the man had triple bypass surgery. Ever since then he has undergone a gradual disinigration of his personality untill now he has reached the point of having grown children that no longer visit home because of the fights he picks with them, and his wife lives on edge, never knowing what will set him off. They were here to my house for an overnite visit last year, and he chivvied and denigrated his wife untill she was in tears. The sad thing is, he was one of the kindest, gentlest souls you would meet before the surgery. Now he has become such a monster that I won't invite them back. There is no other woman involved. My wife has spoken to a couple of heart surgeons, and they have told her it is not uncommon to see this gradual degradatian of personality in some cases, and that there are enough cases like this to warrant serious medical research to determine the cause. The prevailing theory is small but critical shortages of blood supply to the brain, which effects emotional centers in the brain during the bypass surgery. It doesn't happen with every case, but with a high enough percentage of cases to bear further investigation.----Brian

 

[Don1966]

Hi Steve, I agree with Bez your friend is you friend if he is a true friend. I would take him aside just the two of you and express that you are his friend and no matter what,will stay his friend, and that you are not comfortable with being put in a situation of condemning the ex wife for any reason because you love them both. That you will enjoy being with his new found love with out the mention of the ex. If he is your friend as you say, he will respect you feelings.

Regards Don

 

[steamer]

What Don said...

Dave

 

[Cedge]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. It pretty much follows what I've been nudging around in my mind. When I posted, I was still freshly annoyed with him for pushing me when I had already chosen to recuse myself from making any comment at all. I'm smart enough to know she's only parroting what he's told her about his ex. Since all she knows are the negatives that he's shared, it was like listening to someone trying to play a complex sonata using only a single note... over and over.

I just hope he wakes up to the "real" new girl before it's too late. He's already talking marriage as soon as they both have their divorce papers. While I'm quite comfortable with his leaving his wife, I'm seriously concerned he's jumping from a boiling kettle directly into a much larger molten cauldron. For now I'll hold my own counsel and simply avoid being exposed to similar situations. The time to talk will come, but until his hormone levels decrease, I'd only be wasting air to broach the subject.

Steve

 

[Don1966]

Steve as the old saying goes the grass always looks greener on the other side. He has to find this out for himself nothing you tell him will make a different. Like you said he is thinking with the wrong head. All will be great for a while and that will Change with time. Abraham Linclon once said if you want to find fault you will surely find it. This is what he thinks of his ex wife and sees nothing good. It will also be the same with his new love. A person has to be happy with himself before he can be happy with someone else.

Don

 

[Maryak]

Hi Steve, I agree with Bez your friend is you friend if he is a true friend. I would take him aside just the two of you and express that you are his friend and no matter what,will stay his friend, and that you are not comfortable with being put in a situation of condemning the ex wife for any reason because you love them both. That you will enjoy being with his new found love with out the mention of the ex. If he is your friend as you say, he will respect you feelings.

Regards Don

Yes 110% IMHO.

After my break up with my 1st wife, I went through a period of thinking mostly between the big toes. My friends didn't comment until after I had settled down with Galina. Probably the most telling was, "Gee Bob it's good to see your brain back above your navel."

Steve if he's a friend of yours, I'm pretty confident he'll work it out OK.

Best Regards
Bob