# Humour in model engineering



## Bogstandard

I would like to open a post to give us a bit of a release from the frustrations of model engineering, if you've just mangled a part that has taken days to make, can't get the new engine running or just fancy a bit of a grin or want to share a favourite joke or picture then just come here and chill out.
A few rules must be put into place, these are, no smut, bad language or racism, (we see enough of this on the streets) and it must be engineering orientated, other than that anything goes.
Just to start things off and give the general idea here are a few items supplied to me by a tool supplier. You might find you can't understand some it because it is geared to the British sense of humour but there should be a lot that will get a smile on your face.


John


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## Tin Falcon

Bogs: Thanks for sharing on of the shops I worked in had a sample board of bolts similar to that. Yes someone actualy make bolts that look like that. 
Tin


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## Bogstandard

Looks like there is a total lack of humour around here.
Maybe someone is scared of being laughed at, but isn't this post about that.
Even a little story of something that has happened to you or a mate.

If you don't cooperate I will have to introduce you to my dog Bandit who lives with me in my workshop (he's very popular on other sites he's been introduced to), he's the brains behind the engines I build, a very good mathematician. He's just doing a degree at the local university and for his specialist subject he is trying to find all the prime numbers that go into zero, but I keep telling him that it will all come to nothing.
If that doesn't do it I will then bring in Vinnie the mog, he does all my sketches for me, he's an artist really, but very bad tempered.
You've only got 24 hours, then Bandits in and you won't be able to get rid of him, tenacious little devils these Jack Russells.
Don't worry too much, all us Brits are a bit weird.

John


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## Bogstandard

Hey crank,
How are you going to mow the lawn now with no engine in your mower.


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## rake60

Personally I've made many of the "pre-stripped" bolts.
Brass bolts of the pre-stripped design are my specialty!


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## gilessim

somebody went to a lot of trouble to make this sign


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## Bogstandard

Nice one Giles.
It goes to show that there are still prats about, even in high places.

John


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## Tin Falcon

these are funny sort of:

from an MSDS sheet for welding rod " The word hazardous in the in the term hazardous material does not mean the material is Hazardous. " Hmm what did that just say!!


and from the instructions from my mini mill :
"This product is only to be used by a professionally trained machinist."
The whole thing weighs 80 pounds and is built for the home hobby market. 

Do these ridiculous disclaimers count as humor??
Tin


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## Bogstandard

Tin,
If it makes you smile it is humorous.
The first one looks like they had just learned a new word and were trying it out for the first time.
The second must be a Chinese import with a bad marketing research team.

Now we are getting a bit of a reaction I will introduce you to Bandit the mathematician(dog) and Vinnie the mog(cat) (just in case you don't know the difference, also you say alley cat we say moggy, hence the name).


Just come up with a suitable caption, nothing is too stupid.
Here's mine.
Vinnie is saying " Cross this line if you dare, and I'll black your other eye."
Just a quickie one liner will do.
The winner gets a signed piccy from Bandit.

I know it all sounds stupid, but it is good therapy to smile once in a while.

John


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## jagwinn

"For crying out loud, cat! Either stand up or sit down! This walking around in between is starting to freak me out!"


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## Bogstandard

Very good, keep 'em coming

John


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## gilessim

"I told you that would happen if you stepped on the cracks!"


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## rake60

John that little fellow looks like he'll do what he wants to!   
You can see it in his look. 

My wife said a dog would never be allowed on the furniture in this house.
Now you have to have special permission from this princess to share her
house, let alone the furniture! 




It took three days to recover from the burns of that glare for just taking 
her picture!   :lol: 

We would miss her terribly if she weren't here.


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## Tin Falcon

Ok here is a good one . True story :

 A weights and measures official is inspecting a big box home improvement store , one with blue and white signs. He finds a box   of flexible conduit  being sold by the foot. The box has inch markings printed on it. The W&M official advises the store manager that a printed cardboard box is not legal for trade  as a length standard and he needs to place a metal yard stick near the product to measure it. The managers response ?? you are going to love this " Where do I get one of those?"  I think the W & M official should have sent him across the street to home depot  The manager deserved it!! 

Tin Falcon


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## Canyonman

There is a sign just up the road on the way to work. It reads:

LEARN HOW TO READ FREE! CALL 555-5555

Now I ask you; WHO is that for? If you can't read the sign it is useless and if you can read, you don't need it!

I don't know if this one is still current, but when McD's had the large square sign at the drive thru window, Way down in the lower left it said. Braille menu available!

While we are on that subject, why does the ATM machine have Braille on the buttons? The little TV screen doesn't talk!

And, we should take a poll on this one, but to tell on myself, I have a VCR from the late 80's that is still flashing 12:00!

And I still can't figure out how to put a number into the phonebook of my cell phone.

And being slightly hearing impaired myself, I had a young man of about 5 or 6 walk up and tug on on my pant leg. Then he politely said "Hey Mister, your Butt is ringing!"

Disclaimer: These are just observations. NO Slander is intended or implied to anyone.

Ken


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## Bogstandard

This is getting better all the time, very good posts.
Rick, your little princess has the look of 'Just try and move me and your arm becomes lunch', I think animals sometimes show more expression than humans.
Tin, it just goes to show the higher up they are the less they know, so imagine what the world leaders are like.
Ken, these are a sure sign of able bodied people 'trying' to help the disabled without ever asking disabled people how they can be helped.
At least your VCR clock is right twice a day.
Here is one to think about, years ago if someone wanted you to put a logo or advert on your t-shirt you would have asked 'how much are you going to pay me', now we pay them to wear their logo all over our clothing, how and when did all this happen?

John


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## lugnut

I Moved the post I had here to the "Tools" section
Mel


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## gilessim

That's a brlliant little idea Lugnut!, I wish I'd thought of that!


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## RollaJohn

Lugnut it seems that your brain hasn't been covered with moss or rusted in that salt air so prevalent on the coast. Next we will be seeing ads in the Village Press publications for two-axis DROs for $50 complete with plans for the mounting attachments for almost any mill. 

That is a nice, may I say even elegant, quick, solution to a needed device. Good show !


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## Tin Falcon

Lug nut nothin' funny about it. It saves you time and improves the quality of your work. Looks like a cost effective solution to a problem. That is what engineering is all about.  I  think you should  move it to the tool section where it will get more well deserved attention. 
Tin


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## Tin Falcon

Now back to a more humorous note. 

Here is a good one about Trained professionals vs armatures. This one happen several years ago to my brother. He was having problems with his phone service. The phone company tech came to the house to fix the problem . It was determined that the 3" modular phone wire that goes to from the wall jack to the wall phone was bad. So the tech walks out to his van to get the part and returns empty handed. He tells my brother we will have to come back I do not have any in the van. My brother says to him why don' t you just make one. 
 The response from the tech. You gotta love this  was a blank "Deer in the headlight stare" my brother then reaches under the the counter pulls out a tool kit, fabricated the wire assembly, and hands it to the tech. The dumbfounded tech says gee I didn't know you could make those!! 

Now why my brother bothered to call the phone company instead of fixing the problem himself in a good question. Maybe he figured the phone company tech had the tools an knowledge to fix it quicker . Hmmm.
Tin


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## lugnut

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" 
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


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## Tin Falcon

OK here are a couple of gems. 













Tin


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## Bogstandard

Very good Tin, have you made any of these this week?
But the words do have a ring of truth to them, anything to make the machinists life difficult.

John


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## Tin Falcon

I know a couple of people one I worked with the other a  dear friend that were handed worn parts and were asked to fabricate new parts based on the old one . Well they did right down to all the wear marks. Whoops. 
Tin


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## Tin Falcon

Bogs is that a cat or a rat standing on the hard drive??
Tin


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## Canyonman

What's up with Exit signs, first off, what color is fire?  Yellow/Red, so who made the Exit signs red?

While we are at it, think a minute, what where you taught in school as kids? When in a room with fire, drop to your knees and crawl, there is more air down near the floor, So...Why are the exit signs all the way above the Doorway? Shouldn't they be say 18" off the ground.

Lastly, next time you are in an auditorium type situation, look around, all the signs say exit, so...How did you get in there?

Here is one that's kinda scary, when I was in the Military we used Claymore Antipersonnel mines....now for those who don't know...there are raised letters on the OD curved side; it says.....This Side Toward Enemy.

Take Care,       Ken


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## rake60

Tin
I printed out your "The Successful Designer" picture and hung it on the 
print board next to my machine.  What a range of responses!   :lol: 

It reminded me of another poster I hung one day.  It read:

_*"Working here is like a tree full of monkeys.
Some monkeys are climbing up the tree, some are climbing down.
Some monkeys are just sitting still where they are.
When the monkeys at the top look down, they see is smiling faces.
When the monkeys at the bottom look up, all they see is A$$ Holes"*_

That poster didn't last long EITHER!


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## Bogstandard

Very good Rick, and not too far from the truth in most cases.

John


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## Tin Falcon

there have bee a couple of times I have drawn from classic literature. 

A couple of shops I worked it had  welding curtains to protect the rest of the shop from the weld flash.

So the though came to mind for the perfect sign

*"Pay no attention  to the man behind the curtain"**
                                    The Great and Mighty OZ*

When I worked in my buddies welding shop it was an old warehouse. At the time the lighting was poor One of the guys even brought his own from home. The place was huge kind of like lighting a cave.  One year just before Christmas I put up a sign

*"It was impossible to see into all the dark corners.... Darkness was cheap and Scrooge liked it"
                                          - Charles Dickens a Christmas Carol*

Tin


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## ronm

The title of this thread reminds me of my old machine shop teacher in high school. He told of the novice machinist who came to the foreman with a problem. He says, "Boss, I bored it out twice & it's still too big. What should I do?" Boss says, "No problem, just go to the tool room & ask for a puttin' on drill.."
Ron in CO...


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## rake60

I was reading a few posts on another machining forum and saw an interesting 
signature.  It read:
_*"Make it idiot proof and they will make a better IDIOT"*_

I think that guy is picking on ME!   :lol:

I also saw a signature once that said:
_*"Some of lifes greatest adventures begin with the words, "Here, hold my 
beer" "*_ 

Now that one may be far too true! :shock: 

Rick


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## Tin Falcon

Ok not exactly humor  I came across this in my email archives. 

A machinist blessing  for the year to come.



May your swarf fall in the chip tray. 

May your cutting tools stay sharp.

May your cuts be smooth and your finishes bright.

May your measuring tools be where you left them and not wander off.

May you hand tools stay at hand.   .

May your gears run smooth and your belts hold tight (Unless you crash then slipping is a good thing)

May your parts stay in tolerance, And look like the print not a mirror image.

Remember a home shop is like a university lab. No mistakes just lots of learning experiences. 

May you be the one to find the deal at the yard sale or flea market not the guy that just left. 

May the parts fit together the first time And may your engines run when they are supposed to.

Safety to all may you have the same number of working fingers(and other body parts ) at the end of this year as when you start.)

A prosperous new year to all filled with many successful and fun projects. 

May your work bring the joy to others that it brings to you. 

Glad tidings and Gods blessings

Tin Falcon



As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another.


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## tattoomike68

Look at this dancing granny, shes going for it.   

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LD6uRKxzRgM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>


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## gilessim

John, nice van photo, it reminds me of something ,I grew up near the Glastonbury festival ,where they use a lot of those "portaloos" you know the ones that look like phone box, there they are affectionally known as "Turdis"... sorry for our American friendsw ,this would take a lot of explaining!


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## ronm

There was a septic tank pumper here who would introduce himself: "Hi, I'm 'Joe', (not his real name), & sh*t is my bread & butter!"


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## Bogstandard

At last, I have found a common source of humour between us all, it seems that sewage (or words to that effect) bridges oceans and cultural barriers.

Giles, first time I have heard of that term, very good, next time I use one I will think of you. :lol: 

Don, sorry you have lost me, we don't get many of your programs like that on British tv.

Getting back to the subject, when I get to know you better I will tell you my escapades with an aircraft towing tractor, two chemical toilets, one on each running board, and a journey into the desert a few miles from Dubai. 

John


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## gilessim

sorry folks, I just couldn't resist reminding you all of the old proverb "life is like a s**t sandwitch, the more bread you've got ,the less s**t you've got to eat!"


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## rake60

gilessim said:
			
		

> sorry folks, I just couldn't resist reminding you all of the old proverb "life is like a s**t sandwitch, the more bread you've got ,the less s**t you've got to eat!"



*How TRUE is that?!?!*





Rick


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## Tin Falcon

I saw a cool T-Shirt the other day. I am a mechanic , not a magician. I thing that goes for machinist as well!!
Tin


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## Bogstandard

Got it wrong there Tin, for machinists it is 
'The impossible we do at once, miracles take a little longer'

John


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## rake60

How about the common phrases you hear in a job shop when it's 
obvious that things are not going well:

*"HOW SOON!?!?"

"Where are you stacking the good ones?"

"Will you be needing something else or do you plan to retire on this job?"*

OK it's funny when it's being asked to someone ELSE!!!!

 :evil:  :lol: 

Rick


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## Cedge

My favorite sign wa one my shop foreman had printed up once.
Steve 

We the unwilling, lead by the unknowing have been doing so much, with so little, for so long, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.


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## rake60

I overheard a couple quips in the locker room at the end of a shift one
day that come might fit here.

An older machinist and an inspector were at odds.

Machinist: "I think you should consider a career change.  The grocery store
is looking for someone capable of picking the fly s--t out of the pepper."

Inspector: "You could advance in your specialty there as well. They are
also looking for experienced butchers"  

Rick


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## Bogstandard

Found this on another site, but relevant

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. 
The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" 
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."


John


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## Powder keg

A guy at work has a sign that reads "A lack of preparation on your part, Doesn't constitute an emergency on my part" That apply's to a lot of the machine work we do.


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## Lew Hartswick

Powder keg said:
			
		

> A guy at work has a sign that reads "A lack of preparation on your part, Doesn't constitute an emergency on my part" That apply's to a lot of the machine work we do.


We had a sign like that in the electronics shop at the university. It's amazing
how many professors couldn't understand that principle. 
   ...lew...


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## wareagle

A place I worked at before had a sign on someone's office door that read:

*PURPOSE*
_Your sole function in life may be to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide._

Another sign I have seen:

*TEAM WORK*
_Several talented and skilled individuals working together in harmony with the goal of pulling one jackass around in a wagon_.


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## rake60

wareagle said:
			
		

> *TEAM WORK*
> _Several talented and skilled individuals working together in harmony with the goal of pulling one jackass around in a wagon_.



Ooooo
I just know I'll be getting into trouble having read that one!  
It fits so well in far too many cases!  LOL

Rick


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## 1Kenny

We had a sign over the door that people could only see when they left our maintenance office.

We can fix your Learjet
no matter what it costs.


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## Bogstandard

I stole these from another site I torment.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a High School Diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely In our jobs. 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, 
And then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots P(ilot) And the solutions recorded (marked with an M(aintenance) by Maintenance Engineers. 


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Below is taken from Qantas maintance logs for 2006. 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
M: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
M: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
M: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent. 
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
M: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
M: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
M: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
M: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny. 
M: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
M: Cat installed. 

And the best one for last.................. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
M: Took hammer away from midget


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## Bogstandard

Here is another

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand .. And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. 

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. ? 

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. 

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. 

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) 

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) 

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear 

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

A snail can sleep for three years. 

Almonds are a member of the peach family. 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. 

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 

Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors 

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! 

Rubber bandslast longer when refrigerated. 

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of fuel that it burns. 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) 

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 

There are more chickens than people in the world. 

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 



Now you know more than you did before!!


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## Bogstandard

Now an American presidential history lesson.

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. 

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. 

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. 
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. 

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. 
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. 

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. 
Both Presidents were shot in the head . 

Now it gets really weird. 

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. 
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. 

Both were assassinated by Southerners. 
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. 

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. 
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. 

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. 
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. 

Both assassins were known by their three names. 
Both names are composed of fifteen letters. 

Now hang on to your seat. 

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' 
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' 

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. 
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre. 

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. 



Creepy huh? Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading...


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## mklotz

John, you may want to read this...

http://www.snopes.com/history/american/lincoln-kennedy.asp


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## mklotz

and this too...

http://www.snopes.com/history/world/churchill.asp


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## Bogstandard

Marv,
I only pinched it from somewhere else for a bit of interest.
I knew the facts about Winston, but what the heck, some people will believe it.

John


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## mklotz

Well, I just wanted to keep things clear on my hero, Winston.

Actually, I'm surprised that Winston was actually born.  Like Athena from the brow of Zeus, I thought he simply materialized from a large steaming pile of dictionaries and whiskey bottles.

My favorite Churchill anecdote...

George Bernard Shaw sends Churchill two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note saying, "Bring a friend - if you have one."

Churchill returns the tickets with a note, "Sorry, prior committment.  I'll attend the second showing - if there is one."


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## Bogstandard

Marv,

Just not my sort of person, sorry. Too much upper crust breeding.

Unlike a lot of American people, we don't idolise the aristocracy. To me they were and still are, leeches on the backs of working people.
Hooray Henries and chinless wonders are just a few of the repeatable names we give them.

John


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## Lew Hartswick

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

All well and good EXCEPT a shark isn't a FISH. 
Don't have a handy ref at the moment but I'm sure if you look into it, using
some good refrences youll find it. 
   ...lew...


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## wareagle

Lew Hartswick said:
			
		

> A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
> 
> All well and good EXCEPT a shark isn't a FISH.
> Don't have a handy ref at the moment but I'm sure if you look into it, using
> some good refrences youll find it.
> ...lew...



I thought a shark was an attorney.   :lol:


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## Bogstandard

Come on lads, this is here to be taken lightly as a bit of light relief.
No need to pull things apart because of a few dodgy bits.
If you haven't got a sense of humour you shouldn't be reading these posts anyway.

Anyway, here is an easy one.

What can go up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up.

But if you have got the answer, you can't reply unless you can post another little teaser.

BTW, nice reply Wareagle.

John


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## DICKEYBIRD

A 'brelly. (Umbrella)

From my daughter when she was 5:  "Why do cows have bells ?"


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## mklotz

Lew,

A shark is indeed a fish.  Check any biology text or the myriad references available on the web.  Are you confusing fish with cetaceans (whales, dolphins, porpoises etc.)? 

Speaking of porpoises...

Jerry, a friend of mine who works for the Monterey aquarium as a cetacean research scientist, recently isolated an enzyme in a rare African seagull which, if ingested by porpoises, can significantly extend their lifespan.

He traveled to the African coast and collected a number of these birds for his research.
On his way back from the coast to the local aquarium in which the porpoises were housed, he encountered a lion lying on the footpath.  Terrified at first, he soon realized that the lion was unconscious.  So he gingerly stepped across the beast and continued safely to the aquarium.

When he reached the aquarium he was, to his surprise, promptly arrested by the local police. 

The charge, of course, was...

Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.


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## Bogstandard

Very good that one Marv.

Now, "Why do cows have bells ?"

John


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## DICKEYBIRD

" 'Cuz their horns don't work!"  :roll:


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## Cedge

Oh no!!.. there goes the neighborhood... we've stooped so low as to begin punning... LOL

Steve


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## mklotz

Gee, Steve, maybe you'll like this inspirational story better.

There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks.  These monks,
having need of money to fund their monastary, decided to open up a flower
shop.  Well the rest of the townspeople were very pleased at first, since they
hadn't had a flower shop before.  However, some people became concerned when
they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to buy (you
guessed it!) flowers, they went missing.

A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had
happened to them.  They entered the store and were immediately impressed and
awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present.  However, their
admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down,
grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole!

The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other
townspeople.  As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only
thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks!

A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves with clubs and
staves.  At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop.  However, they
were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed
brothers:  The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes!

So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives
and scythes.  At midnight, they attacked.  But once again, the merciless monks
beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes!

The townspeople were at a loss.  Who would save them from the corrupt
Cappucins?  Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith,the
tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village.

"Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh.  "*I* will rid this town of these evil
evangelists!"

The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a
relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and
scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars.  They waited
impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would
return victorious.

Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, sillouetted against the afternoon sun,
appeared Hugh.  Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous
man-eating plant.

"The monks have fled!  Their flowers will trouble us no more!", cried
Hugh.  The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a
holiday, feasted and danced until dawn.

From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the 
town.  Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow,
smelly ways, they were reminded:

"ONLY HUGH CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS"


----------



## lugnut

:shock: Marv, I think you need a rest and then go spend some time in the shop.  You must be really bored. :lol: 
Mel


----------



## Bogstandard

At times it is either laughing or crying, I'm know which one I would rather do.

But it can be fun, just don't get too serious.

I think now is the time to tell you about my time in the desert.

In my youth, I had just celebrated my 21st birthday a couple of days before, I was stationed at a little known RAF base 14 miles from Dubai (when Dubai was still a camel stop and slave trading port).
I worked on the visiting aircraft team, where aircraft from all nations would be serviced and looked after during their brief stopover.
Money was tight in those days, and to gain a little bit more, (about 50 cents per day) we all volunteered for S.A.N.D.U. Which meant whoevers turn it was, emptied the chemical toilets on these visiting aircraft.
It was my turn, and the aircraft was one of the worst type, A Russian AN12 being flown by the Indian Air Force with about 30 passengers. I don't know how long they had been in the air, or what they had been eating, all I will say was that the toilets were overflowing and rather ripe, with a faint aroma of curry in the air.
No such luck on this one, no automatic emptying into a plug in trolley, this was a manual job.
Out came the chemi toilets (polished stainless, with a crap flap on the top), very similar that you get in touring caravans.

These delightful little units were then lashed onto the running boards of an aircraft towing tractor, just in front of my feet as I was driving. I don't know if you know, but towing tractors have no suspension at all, a real spine shattering ride.
Anyway, to continue. We were in someone elses country, so no proper disposal area, just dump it where it couldn't be seen (or smelt). So off the runway and out into the desert, looking for a dark patch. The dark patch, as you get closer, actually rises into the air, millions of great big black lazy flies, hovering over a previous 'dump'.

This time however, because the chemis were rather full, and I was driving a little too fast over hard packed sand, things started to get into a rhythm.

The tractor was jumping up and down and swaying side to side, the contents of the chemis were doing the same thing inside the tank.
Everything started to get into synchronisation, the tractor on the way down, the contents on the way up and then the crap flap decided to drop on one of the units. The contents were ejected into the air, and because we were in forward motion, I got it, full and square. Five gallons of bright blue chemical toilet water plus the contents of the bowels of about 30 Indian airmen, dripping from all my extremities, not a pretty sight (or smell). It took days to get the blue tinge off my skin, but weeks to get over the continual taunting, that is until it happened again, luckily to someone else, he then became the butt of all the jokes, especially from me.

All told, they were the best twelve months of my life.

If I get bored again I just might tell you about the time I was up to my thighs in a swamp, trying to get a helicopter out who was in the same predicament.

John


----------



## Cedge

Hey Marv...
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Steve 
(with a straight face, no less)


----------



## mklotz

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.

There were these members of a chess club all playing chess in an open entryway to their chess club building. two or three of them started bragging about how great they 
were at the game, when suddenly this other member got up, and threw them all out of the club.  When asked why he did that he replied...
"If there's one thing I cannot stand it's CHESS NUTS BOASTING IN AN OPEN FOYER!!!"


----------



## Cedge

Marv...
In the days of tall ships and mighty explorers, a small island was discovered in the pacific which was inhabited by a clan of brave warriors lead by a great king. The captain of the ship landed in a small boat and was immediately taken before the king for interrogation. The captain began to tell the king of his own homeland and of the great king who ruled over his own people. The island king learned that the King in this other land lived in a large castle where daily he sat in a very ornate chair raised well above the crowd, so that all came to see him knew that he was indeed a great king.

The King of the island being greatly impressed and more than a little jealous, demanded that the captain send his ship and crew back to his homeland where he was to secure such a chair, while the captain was to remain behind as the king's "honored guest". The ship sailed away and 2 years later returned, to ransom the captain, with the largest, most elaborately carved and gilded chair anyone had ever seen. 

The King held a huge feast where he announced that the captain, being an honorable man, would be freed as soon as he and his crew built him a great house with two floors. This would be where he would sit in his chair, above everyone, so that all who saw him would know that he too was a great king. The house was completed and the chair was duly hoisted up to the second story. The king immediately took his place in the chair, high above his people, where upon the floor collapsed and the king and his family were all killed. This pretty much ended any idea of trade, as the captain and his crew barely escaped with their lives.

The Moral of this story?.... Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Steve


----------



## wareagle

All of the boys and girls should be aware that being bad will not be make for a pleasant Christmas!


----------



## gilessim

Once upon a time there was a little village pub in England where there lived a very famous and well loved cat named Tom ,who one day, at the ripe old age of 20, turned his paws up! (died!), his owner, the landlord of the pub, was so sad that he decided to cut off Toms tail and hang it in the pub to remember him, in the meantime, Tom goes upto heaven, but at the pearly gates, st.Peter stops him and says, I'm sorry Tom but I can't let you in because you have no tail, you'll have to go back to earth and get it!, so off Tom goes back to the pub and rings the doorbell, by this time it's very late but eventually the landlord opens the door and says "Tom you've come back!", Tom replies that st.Peter won't let him in and that he needs his tail, the landlord says" I'm really sorry Tom but you know I cant retail spirits after hours!"


----------



## Powder keg

Elephant Stew

Don't get me wrong, I love animals and this recipe was given to me as a laugh, so have a smile with me. This dish takes about 2 to 3 months to prepare.
Note: Under no circumstances do we kill elephants for food in South Africa. All elephants exist protected in their natural habitat in our game parks. When the parks become overpopulated (elephants are very destructive to the flora) they are either re-located or undergo planned culling.

Ingredients

1 Elephant
10 Warthog
100 kilogram tomatoes
half ton potatoes
2 bags onions
100 kilogram salt
1 wheelbarrow onions (heaped)
10 liter vinegar
20 liter chutney
4 Guineafowl

Method

Hunt the elephant, warthog and guineafowl. Hang guineafowl to ripen. Cut elephant into edible chunks, (will take about a month). Boil the warthog with other ingredients (except guineafowl) till nice and juicy. Now boil elephant chunks over high flames till tender. (will take about 4 weeks) and add everything together. Boil for another 5 to 7 days.

Produces about 3,500 helpings.

Note: If the above isn't enough, add the guineafowl as well.


----------



## Bogstandard

Old Dogs

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. 
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here? Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! 
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! 

Moral of this story. Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.


----------



## tattoomike68

Here is a forklift training video.

[youtube=425,350]Sdjt6Bl5qdY[/youtube]


----------



## gilessim

Superb!


----------



## rake60

I see nothing unusual in that video? 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




It does bring to mind an incident at a shop I worked for.
A Hytster salesman was in trying to sell the company a new fork truck.
The fork truck operator said "I don't want a new one, I can pick a dime up off the floor with this one."

The salesman offered him $20 to prove that and he laid a dime on the floor.
The fork truck driver got in his rig, drove up and laid a fork on top of the dime. 
He slowly backed up and as the fork backed over the dime it flipped back and landed on the fork.
The salesman was impressed and gave up his $20. The shop owner was a little less than impressed.
His question was: "How many hours, and how much fuel did it take to perfect that maneuver?" :-\

Rick


----------



## rake60

Have you ever spent days designing a special tool for a given perpose, only to find that
it has already been done in a much simpler way?

This guy seems to have _beaten_ that. 

[youtube=425,350]9aZb5cFmqF4[/youtube]

Rick


----------



## gilessim

I've got two of those things, maybe I could convert my mill to CNC with them!


----------



## tattoomike68

Fair Wage? 

 A man owned a small farm in Missouri. The Missouri  
State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not 
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent 
out to interview him. 
  "I need a list of your employees and how much you 
pay them," demanded the agent. 
  " Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand 
who 's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 
a week plus free room and board." 
  "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay 
her $150 per week plus free room and board." 
  "Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours 
every day and does about 90% of all the work around 
here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own 
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon 
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife 
occasionally." 
  "That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says 
the agent. 
  "That would be me," replied the farmer.


----------



## RollaJohn

I know this is going back to Sept 28 but I just found an example of the type of humor that was in the Red Green Show that originated from Canada. dparker referred to it and Bogstandard was not familiar with the show. Here is a link to one of their skits: Redneck Power Windows. It is not machinist related but could be home engineering 
http://www.stupidity.org/video/2370
I, also wish the show was still on the air.


----------



## Powder keg

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shoot"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.

DOGGONE IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Doggone IT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## Tin Falcon

Guys:
A few years ago I saw a movie that had soldiers singing a cadence similar to this. I only remember the first few lines. I have searched the net trying to find the words to no avail. So, ended up writing this for fun. decided to share with the board. If anyone has the source for the Original let me know.

The Colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.

The whiskey it is strong
one shot will make you faint
If you do not want to drink
it is good for stripping paint.

The wine is sweet as honey
its color crimson red.
One glass of this nectar
goes right to your head.

The beer it is golden
your face will shine with glee.
It fills your heart with laughter
as your bladder fills with pee.

The still she is shiny
the pressure it runs low.
Even at full production
the still will never blow.

The colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer.
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.

Disclaimer: This was written by me for fun. It is not intended to promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages. It is not meant to encourage anyone to build such a device. Building such a device could be dangerous and illegal. It is not intended to endorse any branch of the armed forces. Any resemblance to an actual US Army Cadence is coincidental.No Engineers were harmed in the creation of this text.
Tin


----------



## Loose nut

gilessim  said:
			
		

> I've got two of those things, maybe I could convert my mill to CNC with them!



Maybe not CNC but what about power feed on the screws.


----------



## ChooChooMike

tattoomike68  said:
			
		

> Here is a forklift training video.


\
That's hliarious !! :big: Looks like the Monty Python crew had some influence on those guys !!


----------



## gilessim

Powder Keg ,you forgot the adjustable spanner/nut rounder offer!, to start off the pliers going on to the vice grips!


----------



## Bogstandard

For all those that own early British cars, this might be of help.

http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm

I have never seen them for Yank tanks, maybe some American entrepreneur amongst the members can take advantage and sort something out. It should be able to be made for all machinery with electric string and wiggly amps in them.

John


----------



## gilessim

That's hilarious John! did you read all of it?


----------



## GailInNM

By "Chuck" from a mid 1970's Model Engineer Magazine

A large copy of this is on my shop wall.


----------



## Bogstandard

Giles,

Of course I have read it all, things like that really need to be understood fully to get the nuance of the article. 
But definitely an English thread, if it was American, you would have sayings like 'can you blow it up your ass'. Whereas English decorum keeps it within acceptable boundaries.
A very good post to learn the art of English sarcastic humour.

Gail,

You could never have a more meaningful picture for model engineers.
It makes you wonder why we do it.


John


----------



## Bogstandard

For all you whiz kids, try making one of these.
















And a bit of advice










Don't fart while wearing a wetsuit


----------



## Bogstandard

I noticed this on another website.

It just might be used to pass over your message without being too outspoken.


Here goes: 

(_!_) a regular arse 

(__!__) a fat arse 

(!) a tight arse 

(_*_) a sore arse 

{_!_} a swishy arse 

(_o_) an arse that's been around 

(_x_) kiss my arse 

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse 

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse 

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse 

(_?_) Dumb arse 


John


----------



## mklotz

"English decorum" my (_""_) [hairy arse].


----------



## Bogstandard

Very good Marv

Now I know you have a good sense of humour.


----------



## mklotz

Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

- Francis Bacon


----------



## Divided He ad

:big: :big: :big: :big: That's well proper funny innit eh laa A? A? A? A? A? !!!!  :bow: (cause dey talk like dat der don't dey!)

As a man who knows and has met more than his fair share of the scousers out there I can confirm all the above to be true!! ... Well ok I know a couple who have had jobs! ;D

Ralph.


----------



## ronm

Very enlightening, not to mention entertaining, John-especially after I googled "chavette", which led to "chav", which led to "pikey", etc., etc.... ;D
Ron in CO...


----------



## Divided He ad

Just a little something that made me smile... This is a drawing of a garage door roller, made by an engineer... all he had to do was tell us the make and if it had a thread or rings on the end. But he decided to draw this up! just goes to show old habits die hard! 







nice drawing too... so we kept it ;D


Ralph.


----------



## d-m

Bogstandard  said:
			
		

> For all those that own early British cars, this might be of help.
> 
> http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm
> 
> I have never seen them for Yank tanks, maybe some American entrepreneur amongst the members can take advantage and sort something out. It should be able to be made for all machinery with electric string and wiggly amps in them.
> 
> John
> 
> John as a mechanic of 30+ years I have worked on my share of Lucas wiring systems. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I copied the link and sent it to some friends. "Once I have re-introduced smoke into my TR-2, do you warranty that it's system will resume operating at the speed of dark?" that's the best lol, thanks for sharing that!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Dave


----------



## Bogstandard

Dave, it also works on early British and Italian motorcycles.

John


----------



## Bogstandard

Subject: THE RECTUM STRETCHER



While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' 

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. 

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**ehole?' he asked 

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' 


Traffic Ticket $95.00 

Court Costs $45.00 

Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!


----------



## mike4517

One for you John


----------



## mike4517

John

This will keep you busy until new machines arrive count the black dots


----------



## rake60

mike4517  said:
			
		

> John
> 
> This will keep you busy until new machines arrive count the black dots



That's just cruel Mike!


----------



## mike4517

it will help the withdrawal symptoms
Mike


----------



## mike4517




----------



## Bogstandard

Mike,

Got the answer to your dot counting puzzle.

14, no wait, 23, no wait 31, no wait ............

nice one,

John


----------



## lathe nut

Lathe Nut


----------



## rake60

lathe nut I just showed that cartoon to my wife.
She said: "I know THAT feeling!"


----------



## lathe nut

rake60 , did not want the group to know that you have been teaching me, I am a looker and learner, while the wife's look on, guess they know each now, sure has kept it from me, but she is still here, I like told mine years ago, it is better in the shop her and me in a bar, that is all it took, he will get anything that I ask or sometimes she buy es tools for me, Love her, will keep her after 38 years it works, tell the Mrs. that we will come in the house more and watch them lady shows and even cry, have fun, Lathe Nut


----------



## malcolmt

;D One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became  apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up  beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from  work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told  him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more  than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off  any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and  before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. 


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see  me and exclaimed delightedly: 
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' 


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took  a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned  and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure  was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over  a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap  and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink  was worse than cooked cabbage. 
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other r room, I went on like this for another few minutes. 
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back  on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,  apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through  the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated  around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forwarded by a friend
Best regards
Malcolm


----------



## malcolmt

;D 
The Bathtub Test 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do 
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a 
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 




*'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. 
Do you want a bed near the window?' * 


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ? 

Best regards

Malcolm


----------



## Bogstandard

Motor cycling can make your eyes water.






He'll need a new pair of jeans as well.


----------



## Propforward

This thread is a lot of fun!

Here's a little sign which is amusing:


----------



## Divided He ad

Erm... That's just great, have you got one in English? .... I don't speak German ??? :  :big: 



Ralph.


----------



## Bogstandard

Surely Ralph you need one in Welsh not English.

Read it s---l---o---w---l---y in English and then maybe it will click.

John


----------



## Divided He ad

I might live in Wales John but I'm and Englishman.... born in Coventry ;D 

Honestly I did get it.... Was trying to be funny.... Obviouslt not very well!!! :big: 


Ralph.


----------



## greenie

Try this lot.


ODD FACTS: 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced 
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.) 

**************************************************************** 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced 
to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 

(Now that's more like it!) 

**************************************************************** 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to 
squirt blood 30 feet (O.M.G.!) 

**************************************************************** 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 

**************************************************************** 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 

(Creepy.) 

(I'm still not over the pig.) 

**************************************************************** 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 

(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.) 

**************************************************************** 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to body. 

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") 

**************************************************************** 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping 
the length of a football field. 

(30 minutes...can you imagine??) 

**************************************************************** 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

**************************************************************** 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) 

**************************************************************** 

Butterflies taste with their feet. 

(Something I always wanted to know.) 

*************************************************************** 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 

(Hmmmmmm........) 

**************************************************************** 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed 
people do. 

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 

**************************************************************** 

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. 

(OK, so that would be a good thing....) 

**************************************************************** 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. 

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) 

**************************************************************** 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

(I know some people like that.) 

**************************************************************** 

Starfish have no brains. 

(I know some people like that too.) 

**************************************************************** 

Polar bears are left-handed. 

(Who knew? Who cares!) 

**************************************************************** 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 

(What about that pig??)
__________________


----------



## Bogstandard

Great post Greenie, keep 'em coming (like the pig)

Bogs


----------



## greenie

*Bumper Stickers Spotted*


Be a lert , the world needs more lerts. 

If you can read this , I've lost my caravan. 

Go ahead and honk , I'm reloading. 

If you don't like the way I drive , get off the sidewalk!. 

So many pedestrians , so little time. 

This car will explode on impact. 

Jesus is coming , look busy !. 

I've found Jesus , he's in my trunk. 

Traffic wardens eat their young. 

I Killed Kenny ! (sorry deadkenny)

Today is the day for decisive action. Or is it?. 

Give blood .. play hockey. 

10,000 sperm , and you were the fastest ? 

Ok , so god made heaven and earth , but what has he done lately?. 

Welcome to Utah , set your watch back 20 years. 

Horn broken , watch for finger. 

Pigs may fly-this one drives. 

Eat a prune and start a movement. 

My face is familiar , but I can't quite remember my name. 

Ask not what you can for me , just do it !. 

Go ahead and hit me , I need the money. 

Preserve nature , pickle a squirrel. 

Prevent interbreeding , ban country music. 

There's no future in time travel , so slow down. 

My other wife is beautiful. 

Sshhhh , the driver is sleeping. 

Feel safe tonight , sleep with a cop. 

It's not pretty being easy. 

Sky diving , good to the last drop. 

I don't suffer from insanity , I enjoy every minute of it. 

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 

Too close for missles , switching to guns. 

Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
__________________


----------



## greenie

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on."

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."


----------



## greenie

Bill Gates' Eternity 

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." 

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. 

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. 

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." 

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. 

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. 

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?" 

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't." 

"What about the PC?" 

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." 

"Which three?" 

"Control, Alt and Delete."


----------



## greenie

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. 
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." 
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. 
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. 
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. 
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. 
He then went to answer the phone. 
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. 
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. 
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. 
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! 
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!


----------



## greenie

call 911
A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 


The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


----------



## greenie

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


----------



## greenie

Eating Out:

Last week, I took some friends to a new restaurant, and noticed that our waiter carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought us some water, I saw that he also carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. I looked around and saw that all of the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back, I asked him, "Why the spoon?"... 

"Well," he replied "the owners decided to get some advice from Price Waterhouse Coopers, management consultants and experts in efficiency, to make sure the restaurant would be smooth running and save man-hours at the same time. After several weeks of investigation, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 78.34% more often than any other utensil. This equates to 3.7 spoons per hour, per table. If we can deal with this issue, then we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon while having soup and he replaced it immediately. "I'll get a new one next time I go to the kitchen instead of making that extra trip" he said. I was impressed. These consultants obviously know their stuff. I continued to observe the workflow in the room when my eye was caught by what looked like a small piece of string, hanging out of the waiter's fly. I looked around, and sure enough, every male employee had string hanging from their flies. My curiosity again got the better of me, and I called our waiter over. 

"Excuse me, but why do you have a piece of string right there?" "Oh, not every one is as observant as you," he replied. "The Consulting firm found that this also saves time." 

"How is that?" I asked. "Well, by having this string tied to my 
you-know-what, I can pull it out over the urinal, without touching it, thereby eliminating the need to wash my hands and reducing the time spent in the washroom by 72.6%." 

"I can see how it would do that" I said, "but how do you put it back in?" 

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


----------



## greenie

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never
be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to
the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
--------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
---------------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
---------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
---------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
---------------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


----------



## greenie

Knowledge



Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 1819 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you
over the top!!!!!


----------



## Bogstandard

Duct tape works up to 3 years of age, after that use superglue and six inch nails.







I always wondered where Cedge came from.







Bogs


----------



## zeusrekning

:big: :big: :big:
Cedge wasn't that pic hangin on your wall. I swear I didn't send it to John. :big: :big: :big:


----------



## Cedge

Tim
I can see I'm gonna have to hold a come to Jesus meeting with ya son...LOL. I do have to admit to using the threat of duct taping my grandsons to the wall in the past. Hey... it worked at the time...(grin). At least John posted one of his own childhood photos right below mine. 

Steve


----------



## Bogstandard

Seen on another site.


Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:- 

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist? 

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail? 

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those 
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? 


21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it? 


22. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo? 

23. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?


----------



## Bernd

24. Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Bernd


----------



## rake60

Nice list John!

As for:
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

They go by the eyebrows.
Trust *ME* on this one! :big:

Rick


----------



## rake60

OK this might not be model engineering humor, but still shop related.

We have a guy at work who is very confident in his own skills.
He just finished "ragging" on a coworker for a stupid mistake.
Sat down at his work bench, picked up his calculator, pounded a few keys and
held the calculator up to his ear.

He had just punched his home phone number into the calculator while his
cell phone was resting peacefully on the work bench.

How quickly tides can turn when an observant person such as myself is near by.


----------



## zeusrekning

:big: :big: Thats me.


----------



## Powder keg

:big: :big:Sounds like something I would do :big: :big:


----------



## greenie

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls. 
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?


----------



## Bogstandard

Supposedly a recession is on the way, these were sent to me today by a friend in Aussieland.




























Bogs


----------



## greenie

Rolling Your Own
Rolling Your Own

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife." 

He answers, "You see, it's like this: Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because she said it is soooo much cheaper that way. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!


----------



## dsquire

*This is how its done*

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. 

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:


Dear God: 
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:


Dear God: 
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:


Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:


I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, 

YOU KNOW WHO

-----------

Cheers

Don


----------



## Dhow Nunda wallah

Rake, your story reminded me of my own 

"Sat down at his work bench, picked up his calculator, pounded a few keys and
held the calculator up to his ear."


Some years ago, my local yacht club decided to ban mobile phones in the bar (no prob with that, they can be annoying).
Pomposity, however, I find even more annoying.

After the ban, yours truly, sitting at the bar doing some trig calcs re navigation.
Pompous git at other end of the bar, glaring at me, so I held my flip-top scientific calculator to my ear.
PG calls duty officer to have words with me.
Duty officer returns to PG (whilst trying to keep a straight face).
PG, now a little more purple than usual, sends large malt whisky with his apology


----------



## Maryak

Workshop Digital Calculator






This instrument requires no batteries or external power source - Requirements are:

2 Digits, (preferably fingers), hence the name digital calculator.
Chalk, colour optional other than black.

Data storage is instantaneous, with all sub routines readily available.
Data retrieval can sometimes be a problem!

Data can be instantly wiped without the use of expensive software
For a wipe to US Government standard - use a wet rag.
To have some chance of data recovery - use a dry rag.

Warning - This instrument must not be operated under the influence of Alcohol as it has a tendency to provide incorrect information in this state.

Every workshop will benefit from the installation of the above - not just a tool - but converts easily to a games console, (O's and X's).


----------



## steamer

Maryak,

That was just beautiful...... ;D


----------



## Florian

Well, i have some very imortant screws for you guys:

http://home.arcor.de/hsbo/Verschiedenes/Schrauben DIN 0104 mini.jpg

Florian


----------



## Maryak

Think there is one very important screw missing, enough said.
Great stuff :bow:


----------



## steamer

...Well, i have some very imortant screws for you guys.."

I think I've used some of those!


----------



## rake60

This may not be "Model Engineering" but it has stuck in my mind for many years.

About 8 years ago out 2ed shift foreman was off for a week.
I was filling in for that job in his absence.

A very good friend/coworker was cutting bearing fits in a weld repaired gear case.
He finished his last cut and checked the size using inside spring calipers that had 
to be mic'ed with outside mics. 
The first time he checked it his face turned a little red and he checked it again.

When the second check confirmed the first, he threw the spring calipers across the 
table, threw his hands up in the air and screamed:

_*"That ain't no 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 good Rick!"*_

It's very hard to be supportive when you're on your knees trying to catch
your breath because your laughing too hard.  
It was a welded repair in the first place. Welding it again wouldn't hurt it.

He hit that size on the second attempt.
His celebration dance had me on the floor struggling for breath again! 

Rick


----------



## John S

Years ago as lads just started work we used to meet outside the local chip shop at nights and talk the talk.
It got round to how accurate we had to work.
One lad who worked for a local engineering company said "We have to work to the nearest thou"
Next lad who was a Rolls Royce apprentice said " We have to work to the nearest tenth"

Local dipship who worked for the railway carriage and wagon works, read sledge hammer and gas axe, said
"That's nothing , we have to work spot on "

and then wondered why were were all rolling about holding our sides ;D

.


----------



## Divided He ad

Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

















 A: Buy her some flowers.  : ;D 



Ralph.


----------



## wareagle

Divided He ad  said:
			
		

> Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....
> 
> Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
> 
> A: Buy her some flowers. : ;D
> 
> Ralph.



Ralph, hope you don't mind me jumping on your wagon for a moment...


Q: And what is the most likely cause for your boiler to explode?



A: The purchase of another tool, more materials, casting or set of plans! Any of these items will very likely push the boiler into an explosive condition, so exercise extreme caution!  ;D


----------



## Maryak

One for the Seniors,



A Seniors couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' the wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'


'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' the wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' the wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!


----------



## CrewCab

Maryak  said:
			
		

> 'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.



Cheers Bob, that made me laugh ;D

CC


----------



## Maryak

Crewcab,

Glad you enjoyed it :big:

Bob


----------



## John S

Divided He ad  said:
			
		

> Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....
> 
> Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
> 
> A: Buy her some flowers. : ;D
> 
> Ralph.



Triffids are best 

.


----------



## Maryak

6 munfs ago I cudn't spel Injuneer now I are 1. - 12" to the foot model


----------



## Maryak

BLACK TESTICLES


      A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
      his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
      sponge bath.
      Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

      Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
      wash your upper body and feet.'

      He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

      Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
      about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
      covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
      in the other.

      Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
      Sir!'

      The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly,
      'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
      closely......

      A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? ;D


----------



## John S

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a
general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday
and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Alistair thinks, "Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general
knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on ya radge, a lang
weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Wee Alistair shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking
round picks Richard at the front. "Yes, Richard?"

Richard (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy-
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Richard. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Alistair is even more determined.
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Alistair's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know.
Me Miss, me Miss "

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes
Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1940 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Alistair is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Alistair's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me
miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes
miss, that was Neil Armstrong 1969, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back
into class on Tuesday."

Wee Alistair loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at
the wall. He throws his hat on the floor & jumps up and down on it shouting
"Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?"

Teacher looking round the class, angrily: "Who said that?"

Wee Alistair, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince
Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."


----------



## Kludge

Maryak  said:
			
		

> 6 munfs ago I cudn't spel Injuneer now I are 1. - 12" to the foot model



Hmmm ... when's that coming out as a casting kit (same scale, of course)? 

BEst regards,

Kludge ... who got a flash of memories from when steam still lived on the rivers in Pittsburgh, PA.


----------



## Maryak

Happy you liked it :big:

Regards
Bob


----------



## jack404

OK true story 

When i was 15 i worked saterday nights at the newspapers putting the colour comics in the sundays paper as well as the catalogues of junk being sold. 

i was given a promotion ( easier job) of assisting the reel hand ( bloke who controled the 10 ton rolls of newsprint) by running any broken sheet up to the press room on the floor above when it broke ( if it did not break i did not work but got my pay)

I had heard of a accident from the workers there and the gent involved had just returned to work frpm losing the index finger of his right hand at the first joint.

He was a east european who was called Me Know as when you tryed to explain anything to him he would reply in a insulted tone "me know, me know".

so he is talking to his friend a maltese guy nicknamed "i know" same reasons..

I know was asking "What happen?"

Me know replied " I start the press, it starts, but red oil light comes on, i take off cover and look in it dark i see nothing.

while he is explaining he does everything as he did on the accident,  for real..

he started the press he removed the oil filler and looked in.

he says to I know "I see nothing, so i put in my finger" this time he puts in his left hand index finger in and not his right as before and *whack!* the oiler flyer comes around and neatly takes the other finger tip off clean but a bit less than the other one 4 weeks previously. he did not scream or cry out  just looked at the tip of his finger ( or where it was) with the most astounded look on his face.. 

i had to attend the court with everyone else in the machine room because they sacked him and no-one beleived he was such a idiot and that is was not a setup also as it was the same day he had picked up a cheque for $25,000 for the first lost finger.

( in those days an average nice house was $30K) they gave him another $5K after the court case and got rid of him.

Idiocy pays well !

or did .... at a price..


----------



## Loose nut

Years ago I worked in a furniture factory and in the wood shop where the frames were made an old gent. was pushing boards through a table saw to trim them to size by pushing with his thumb across the end of the board. This is a major safety NO-NO which he soon learned by cutting off the offending digit. After a month off of work he came back ,sans thumb, and on his first day he cut off the thumb of the other hand in the same manner. 

It might be in poor taste to see someones else pain and suffering as funny but after 30 years I still can't think about it without a laugh, some people just don't learn.


----------



## Bernd

Loose nut  said:
			
		

> Years ago I worked in a furniture factory and in the wood shop where the frames were made an old gent. was pushing boards through a table saw to trim them to size by pushing with his thumb across the end of the board. This is a major safety NO-NO which he soon learned by cutting off the offending digit. After a month off of work he came back ,sans thumb, and on his first day he cut off the thumb of the other hand in the same manner.
> 
> It might be in poor taste to see someones else pain and suffering as funny but after 30 years I still can't think about it without a laugh, some people just don't learn.



Ah, yes. Ya can't fix stupid.

Bernd


----------



## Kludge

Bernd  said:
			
		

> Ya can't fix stupid.



No, but sometimes it's good for a chuckle or two.

Best regards,

Kludge


----------



## Maryak

An old couple in a nursing home thought than they would have a better life if they took shared accommodation rather than the individual units they currently occupied.

They had been very good friends for a number of years in the home, but this was a major step for both of them.

Before taking such a big step they decided that they must discuss and try to iron out any potential problems arising from their living together.

Eventually their discussions broached the subject of intimate relations. The old lady was pretty straight forward and asked the old man, "And what about sex?"

Ever the gentleman and not wishing to upset things he replied, "Infrequently."

"OH," she said, "Is that one word or two???"


----------



## rake60

OK totally out of line but a story I find amusing...

A man walks into a bar with a small wooden box.
He opens the box and a little man about 18" tall jumps out onto the
bar's piano bench. The little man starts to play the classic piano 
compositions of the masters. People are amazed and immediately begin
to fill the jar on the piano with cash tips.

One pattron puts a $20 note into the jar and asks the man how he ever
became associated with this talented little guy.

The man replies:
I was walking along the beach one night and found an old brass lamp in the 
surf. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He was an older genie, kind of hard of
hearing. He promised me three wishes. My first was for a million bucks!
Suddenly I was drowning in a flood of quacking ducks.
For my second wish, I asked for a beautiful wife. There was a little puff of
smoke and in my hand was a pure gold, gem studded dagger.

The pattron says, "But that still doesn't tell me how you found this little man."

"Well, would YOU have wished for an 18" pianist?"


----------



## Maryak

Rick,

That's a beauty.
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





Regards
Bob


----------



## Cedge

Another true story. When i was a wee lad, 3 or 4 years of age, my grandfather was a farmer in a small rough and tumble part of this area. Most of the farmers around him were hard men made even harder by the days of the great depression. One fellow in particular, Tee Rector was a hard man even by their standards. 

He was the sort who believed that some men just needed killing and he had been known to oblige that need. In fact Tee had done a couple of hard stretches in the penitentiary for doing that very thing. It was widely accepted that no one, but no one, messed with Tee. 

The story goes that my grandfather had me riding as co-pilot with him in his old truck. For some reason granddad had some sort of business with Tee and we stopped in at his home for a visit. Granddad took me inside and apparently I was the center of attention, even winding up sitting in Tee's lap as he played with me.

Now Tee was not a fancy sort. Bib overalls and flannel shirts were about as dressed up as he ever got. He did, however, have one thing that he did take pride in. that was his beard. Tee had a HUGE beard that reached well down his chest. Rumor had it the only time he had ever shaved it was when he was in prison. No one in the community could ever remember having seen him without it. The other half of that equation was that his prim and proper wife hated it with a passion she usually reserved only for methodist ministers. 

Her opinion was that the beard had a living population and the tobacco stains on the front were of particular offense. I think he kept it just to annoy her as much as due to any personal affection he had for it. 

That day, as I sat in his lap I'm told i kept playing with the beard, which greatly pleased old Tee. After a bit I looked up at him and asked a fateful question. With the innocence of a child, I asked him whether he slept with his big beard under the covers... or outside. Everyone had a chuckle and we soon left. 

A couple of weeks went by and Granddad and I wound up visiting Tee again. When Tee opened the door, he saw me and mumbled "theres that little sh*ta$$" There in the door stood a completely beardless Tee. Grandad asked him what his comment was all about, especially considering how well he and I had gotten on during our last visit.

Tee began to laugh, which apprently made all concerned a little more at ease. He explained that the night of our visit he went to bed as usual, except things were not quite normal. He tried the beard under the cover, then he tried it outside. This went on all night and he never got to sleep. In fact....over the next week he got no sleep at all, as he kept trying the beard inside and then outside the sheets. After a week, he shaved it and never grew it again. From that day onward...His wife stuffed me with lemonade and homemade cookies... every time I ever visited.

I attended Tee's funeral while I was in my late teens and I was still known as "that sh*ta$$ kid" until the day he died. His wife told me the story right after his funeral and she had herself one huge belly cramping good laugh, in the telling of it.

Steve


----------



## Maryak

How True is This : : : ??? ??? ???

        DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
        metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
        flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you
        had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

        WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
        workbench with the speed of light.

        Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the
        time it takes you to say,
        ''What the...??''

        ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
        holes until you die of old age.

        SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

        PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

        Sometimes used in the creation of
        blood-blisters.

        BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
        touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

        HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
        principle.

        It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
        more you attempt to influence its course, the more
        dismal your future becomes.

        VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
        heads.

        If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
        intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
        intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
        objects in your shop on fire.Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
        wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

        TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
        projectiles for testing wall integrity.

        HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
        after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
        firmly under the bumper.

        EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
        of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

        E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
        drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
        possible future use.

        BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
        cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
        the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
        outside edge.

        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
        everything you forgot to disconnect.

        CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
        inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
        opposite the handle.

        AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
        for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
        shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
        screw heads.

        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.

        Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

        PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
        bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

        HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

        HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
        used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
        adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

        MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
        cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

        contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,collector
        magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

        Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

        DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
        while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs.

        It is also, most

        often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## rake60

Far TOO True Maryak! :big:

Thanks for the laugh.
I needed that right about now.

Rick


----------



## Maryak

Rick,

Glad you enjoyed it, came in my email a fwd from USA.

Regards
Bob


----------



## Maryak

I like this one 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. 
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me." 
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters. 
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" 
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat firinga truck!!"


----------



## dsquire

Maryak

Good one. I believe that I have heard it before or one similar to it but it still brings a chuckle. Thanks.

Here is another one.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?

''Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?

''I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...'I would have been released
today.'
Cheers

Don


----------



## Maryak

Don,

Another goodie, I enjoyed yours very much.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Maryak

What's the difference between a Boomerang and a stick ??? ???............

It's called a stick when it won't come back.  

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## dsquire

Bob

Here is another chuckle for you

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!'

cheers

Don


----------



## Maryak

Received this from one of my old Navy mates.

GENERATION Y


----------



## crankshafter

Maryak  said:
			
		

> Received this from one of my old Navy mates.
> 
> GENERATION Y



Bob.
Where the h&#38;#&%#(/(/ did you get that pic. of my son.


----------



## malcolmt

Hi All,

A friend sent me the following and i thought you might find it amusing. I did!!



Dear Walter
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
> mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
> couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's
> daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We
> have been married for ten years.
>
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been 
> having
> an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave 
> him.
> He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
> increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since 
> I
> gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won 't go to
> counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
>
> Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,  Sheila
>
> ******************************
>
> Dear Sheila:
>
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
> debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses 
> on
> the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
> approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
> faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
>
> I hope this helps,
> Walter


----------



## dsquire

Malcolmt

Very good. I figured that it wasn't going where I thought it was but I hadn't figured on that.

cheers 

Don


----------



## Maryak

Crankshafter,

Obviously he's been to Canada when you weren't looking 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





Best Regards
Bob


----------



## dsquire

OK Guys, time to relax for a few minutes


Peter Kay One Liners  

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?' 



When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 


I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 


I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get along with my real ladder. 


Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 


 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough..' 


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 


You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither. 


Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. 


I was the kid next-door's imaginary friend. 


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 


Cheers 

Don


----------



## Maryak

Don,

Another Gem 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	







Best Regards
Bob :big: :big:


----------



## Maryak

Try this one  

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT 

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!




YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH 

This is pretty neat 
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! 
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. (You'll need a calculator)! 
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! 
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to 
go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10) 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 

3. Add 5 

4. Multiply it by 50 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...



If you haven't, add 1757. 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. 

You should have a three digit number 


The first digit of this was your original number. ( I. e., How many times 
you want to go out to restaurants in a week.) 


The next two numbers are 



YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!) 



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS


----------



## Stilldrillin

Maryak  said:
			
		

> The next two numbers are
> 
> 
> 
> YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)



Oh!........ YES, it is! 

(After 7 attempts to punch ALL the correct keys, in correct sequence)....... :

Nice one! Thanks....


----------



## mklotz

The trick is recognizing that 2008 = 1758 + 250

N=number of times you eat out

(2*N+5)*50 + 1758 - 1941 = 100*N + (250 + 1758) - 1941 =

100*N + (2008 - 1941) = 100*N + age


----------



## rake60

I sent that to my Mom.
Received this reply. LOL

_*"yes, so I want to eat out 4 times a week and I am 71 years old...smart kid!!!"*_


----------



## minerva

Hi Guys,
a belated compliments of the season to you all (been away from the machine for 3 weeks)
I recently saw this and thought it might fit ;D

As part of an experiment a college professor asked various people
their opinion of a glass sat upon a table with only 50% of it's volume filled with water.
Participants in the experiment were asked if the glass was half full, or half empty.
The Pessimist immediately made the statement that the glass was obviously, half empty.
The Optimist was as equally adamant that the glass was only half full.
The aging Model engineer thought long and hard before stating the obvious," The glass is too large for the application by a factor of 2 either get a smaller glass or fill it up


----------



## bigal2749

After months of nagging fom the wife, the 84 year gentlemen finally goes to the doctor for the first time in his life.

The doctor says after the exam "you certainly are in great shape for someone 84, how old was your father when he died?"

The old guy says "Did I say he died?"

Doctor is amazed, 'you mean he's still alive?"
Old gent, "Yes he's 104 years old"

Doc " what great genes you must have, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
Old gent "Did I say he died?"

Doc "you mean your grandfather is stll alive?"
Gent Yes, he's 124 years old and matter of fact he's marrying a 24 year old girl on saturday."

Doc "why would a 104 year old guy want to marry a 24 year old girl?"

Old gent "Did I say he wanted to?"


----------



## ChooChooMike

For those of us with self-steam  problems ......


----------



## Kermit

For any old occassion that suits your fancy I present: 






The enthusiasm meter!


----------



## rake60

It would appear winter is here today.
I've been out every 2 hours with my antique snow
thrower just to keep up with the snow fall.

It reminded me of this:





 :-\

Rick


----------



## Bernd

Was thinking about you guys down there when I saw the weather report. 

Think it might take till Agust or Septemebr the way it's going. :big:

Bernd


----------



## scoop

A small puzzle for you.
  3 men go into a restaurant for dinner and at the end the bill is £25.Each man puts £10 in the kitty and give it to the waiter.When the waiter returns he gives £5 back in change.The 3 men then take £1 each back from the change and leave the £2 remaining as a tip for the waiter(I know its not a big tip but this is England).So to recap,each man gives £10 and gets £1 back which equals £27.Add on the £2 tip which equals £29.Where did the last pound go?Please feel free to substitute your own currency if you feel it will help.

  Best Regards Steve C.


----------



## malcolmt

Hi Steve
Excellent puzzle, Clearly this has nothing to do with where the extra pound has gone, That's just trying to hide the ridiculous statement that three men could get a meal for twenty five pounds !!!!!!!!!!!!

 :big: :big: :big:

Kind regards

Malcolm


----------



## scoop

In the years since I first heard this I have never allowed for inflation.Perhaps I should re-calculate it sometime.

 Best Gastronomic Regards Steve C.


----------



## jwsvandr

Here is a quote from a book by Roy Heinrichs in Manitoba entitled Heroes and Cream Gravy. It is a true story according to the author

_I took measures to run a reasonably safe farming operation. It was for this reason that I taped a sign up in the tractor cab for my wife. It read "Caution, wearing loose and floppy clothes near machinery is not safe." She didn't take offence to my reminder but had added the following to it, "Caution, wearing tight snug-fitting clothing near farmer is not safe either"
_


----------



## Maryak

Kinda like this one.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey?'  'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'  Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. 

 Was it Tina Minetti?'          'I cannot say.' 

 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'    'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'          'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'        'My lips are sealed.' 

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'  'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 '4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Best Regards
Bob


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## itowbig

Bob that was good. i got a good laugh at that one i must share it with the lady of the house 
Thanks


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