# Humour



## Stan

I didn't think this was suitable for the thread on disabilities.
A preacher checking into a motel asked the clerk if the porn channels were disabled.
Clerk replied, "No, just regular porn, are you some kind of sicko?"


----------



## rake60

OK a *TRUE STORY!*

Mom was getting her hair done in a beauty salon at the shopping mall.
Dad had taken my 10 year old nephew along to keep him company while
they waited. They were sitting watching the passing crowd and Dad said:
*"Gee Dirk, look at all the pretty girls walking by."*
In the wisdom of a 10 year old, Dirk replied:
*"Oh no Papa, I don't want to meet a girlfriend who's shopping in a mall on
a weekday. I want to find a girlfriend who has a JOB!"*

Rick


----------



## mklotz

THE CONVENT OF ST. ELIAS PRILEP, Macedonia (AP)

Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece
and the strife-torn former Yugoslavia, a lone Orthodox nun keeps quiet
watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of
significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Vigil dies, the
convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria,
53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles
daily about the grounds of the convent, land which once served as a base
for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied
the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in
439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are
believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large collection
of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to
study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents
brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable
documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't
read or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did
not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was forever lost. Today,
there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst
the strife of war-torn former Yugoslavia, and when she is no longer, the
story will be over. And that's how it ends: "No Huns, no writs, no Eros,
and nun left on base."


----------



## crankshafter

One guy was at the seaside collecting firewood. Then suddenly the landowner arrived, telling the guy that everything the sea bring to his shore was his property. Ok said the guy: But if my brother out there in his boat, fishing, felt overboard and lost is life and the sea take him to the shore at your property, is it still my brother, or is it yours. : : :big:
CS


----------



## ChooChooMike

> And that's how it ends: "No Huns, no writs, no Eros,
> and nun left on base."



Good one !!! :big: groan


----------



## mklotz

ChooChooMike  said:
			
		

> Good one !!! :big: groan



I gotta million of 'em...

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months
studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all
efforts at predator control, population was declining at an
alarming rate.

Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see
if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the
problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had
succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a
new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most
critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"


----------



## baldrocker

Everbody join the 
"Ban Marv" movement. :big:


----------



## mklotz

baldrocker  said:
			
		

> Everbody join the
> "Ban Marv" movement. :big:



Just for that...

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from
the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and
as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could
drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching
muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to
do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury!
We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she
reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the
shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this
color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would
suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the
owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of
the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the
disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"


----------



## dsquire

Baldrocker



			
				baldrocker  said:
			
		

> Everbody join the
> "Ban Marv" movement. :big:



You see what you started now!!!


Marv
Very cute

Cheers

Don


----------



## rake60

What else do you have Marv?
_*"Man does not live of swarf alone."*_

Rick


----------



## Maryak

Another long winded tale. 

A middle aged man went to the doctor complaining of severe pain in the back of his head, added to this he had developed a terrible stutter. 

The local Doc sent him to a neurologist.

The neurologist performed a whole series of tests and took samples of just about everything. Said to the guy, Go home and try to relax, my receptionist will make an appointment for 10 days hence and we should be able to go forward from there.

After a nervous 10 day wait with no change in his condition, the guy arrives for his appointment.

The neurologist got straight to the point, My colleagues and I have discussed your case and I am very pleased to say that we can cure your problems. The down side is that it requires castration. Go home now, have a think about it and let me know your decision."

After the shock had worn off and thinking about his condition logically, the guy decided he would have the surgery. He couldnt go on the way he was. The pain was terrible and the stutter was making life at work almost impossible.

The surgery was completely successful, the severe pain in the back of his head disappeared and there was no sign of a stutter.

To go back to work the guy decided he would have a complete new outfit with shirt and suit all tailor made.

Off he went to the gentlemans outfitters to be attended by a wizened old gentleman with a waistcoat and a tape measure draped around his neck. He explained his requirements to the old gentleman who looked him up and down and without using the tape measure started rattling off measurements and writing them in his notebook.

Things were going great guns until the old gentleman said Underpants size 38. No, said our intrepid surgery survivor, Ive always worn a size 36 and I have not put on any weight.

Oh dear, said the wizened old tailor, You dont want to do that Sir, what happens is you develop these severe pains in the back of your head an you also end up with a terrible stutter.. :


----------



## artrans

NOW THIS IS FUNNY  

View attachment proof_the_irish_discovered_africia.wmv


----------



## Phelonius

I was wondering why my frisbe seemed to be getting larger,



 then it hit me!

 Phelonius


----------



## gilessim

An atheist was out for a walk in the woods one day, as he was strolling along ,he heard something behind him, turning round he saw a big old grizzly just about to jump on him, s**t! he thinks and starts to run but after a few yards he trips over a root and falls down, OH GOD! he shouts, at that moment everything goes silent as time itself seems to freeze and he hears a big booming voice that says, HOW DARE YOU CALL MY NAME, ALL YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE NOT BELIEVED IN ME YET NOW, WHEN YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, YOU ASK FOR MY HELP?

the guy replies, oh I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'll do anything, could you make me a christian?, OK, IT IS DONE, he hears, just one other thing, the guy continues, could you make the bear a christian too?.

at that moment, everything in the woods comes back to life again, so the guys stands up and turns round to see the bear, who is on its knees with its eyes closed and its big paws together saying; For what I am about to receive, may the lord make me truly thankful.

sorry

Giles


----------



## rake60

Road Rage is ALWAYS an issue.
Perhaps a Trunk Monkey is the answer!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y[/ame]


----------



## malcolmt

:big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: 

That is just the best idea i have seen for a very long time. 

            I WANT ONE

Kind regards

Malcolm


----------



## Cedge

Hey Rick
Does it come in a "Toolbox Monkey" model?

Steve


----------



## jack404

sorry for the poor pic 

this is a photostat of a photostat of a photostat but is in my workshop

i thought i was being serious everyone else thinks its a joke so i thought i'd share






i re did the main text as it was bad

cheers

jack


----------



## rake60

*The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time 
employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. 
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, 
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand 
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that 
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and 
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, 
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he 
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the 
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been 
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could 
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!!!!!!'*


----------



## malcolmt

You utter genius

 :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:  :big: :big:  :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:  :big: :big:  :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: 

I haven't laughed so much since my grandma caught her left ..... in the mangle 

Malcolm


----------



## steamer

:big: :big: :big:

Hey Rick,

You thinking these up as your waiting for Phil to come out...? :big:

I want a Trunk Monkey.....no end of entertainment at work! Just think of the possibilities! ;D

Dave


----------



## Maryak

Rick,

That's the kind of Grandpa I wanna be ;D ;D

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Lew Hartswick

Rick Don't do that to me.  I've been laughing so hard I can't see to type. Tears 
running down my face. I think that one breaks the "laugh meter".
  ...lew...


----------



## Brass_Machine

I know that joke Rick! I heard it a little different though... it was in a bar and involved a shot glass at the end!

Very good

Eric


----------



## chuck foster

how do you do really get your wife hot and bothered while having sex ???


just give her a phone call :big: :hDe: :rant:

chuck


----------



## ChooChooMike

TOOLS EXPLAINED​
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*I have a lot of the * DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## Kermit

Why doesn't Mexico ever have a good olympic team?






Everyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country...


----------



## 90LX_Notch

ChooChooMike - Oh my God that was good. My stomach hurts. Thank you, I needed a good laugh.


----------



## ChooChooMike

90LX_Notch  said:
			
		

> ChooChooMike - Oh my God that was good. My stomach hurts. Thank you, I needed a good laugh.



I busted up laughing myself, so just had to pass that along, glad you enjoyed it !! :big:


----------



## Bernd

Now that's funny. And these guys want to run The New World Order. HA! Rof}


----------



## LatheDude

The Law and The Plumber

So a plumber goes to Judge Learned Hand's home, because of a leaking pipe.

He works for 20 minutes, and goes to the judge, saying, "I fixed the pipe; that's $400."

The judge looks at him and says, "Are you kidding me, I'm a lawyer, and I don't charge people $400 for 20 minutes of work!"

The plumber looks back at him and says, "I know. That's what I said back when I was practicing law."


----------



## rake60

(You might have to be from Pennsylvania to appreciate this one....)

*This is what marriage is really all about . .. . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. 
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. 
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the 
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in 
front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down 
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people 
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were 
thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. 
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. 
The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. 
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. 
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man 
again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 
'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..

********** *

*'THE TEETH.'*


----------



## 90LX_Notch

ouch!


----------



## gilessim

just to add to ChoocChooMikes list:

SCRAP BOX: a box containing useful looking offcuts of metal that will turn out to be always be 10 thou too small in one dimension to make any needed small part.

Giles


----------



## Noitoen

gilessim  said:
			
		

> just to add to ChoocChooMikes list:
> 
> SCRAP BOX: a box containing useful looking offcuts of metal that will turn out to be always be 10 thou too small in one dimension to make any needed small part.
> 
> Giles


You must take a different approach. Go to the scrap box, grab a piece and adapt your part design to fit. :big: :big: :big: :big: :hDe:


----------



## ChooChooMike

Classic Johnny Carson and Jack Webb from 1968.

[youtube=425,350]F4RIBhQIkII[/youtube]​
I couldn't stop clapping my carbon-based clappers !!! :big:

Very clever ! Humor at it's best. I don't know how either of those guys kept a straight face  :bow: :bow:
Johnny was about to lose it a couple of times 

Mike


----------



## rake60

Simple Rules On How To Impress the Opposite Sex....

*How to Impress a Woman:

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
*
---------------------------------------------------------


*How to Impress a Man:*

*Show up naked and
bring food!*


----------



## mklotz

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


----------



## Metal Butcher

Good one! :bow:

"Sinko de Mayo" :big: :big: :big:

-MB


----------



## itowbig

Rof} Rof} oh man you guys are killing me very funny :bow: Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## gilessim

this is an old one, some years ago, Nissan ,before they were called Nissan ,having so many orders for their cars, had to farm out some of their work to US firms, in particular gear wheels for the transmission ,one day (to shorten the story a little!) a transport plane carrying a load of these parts,with engine problems, exploded in the air over China and its cargo, thrown out from its packing cases, precipitated down over a small town, when asked by the poor local folk saying (polite translation!) what's happening!, is the sky falling?, Ho, the local mechanic, replied, "No ,it's just raining Datsun cogs!"

Giles


----------



## gilessim

Here's another one, forwarded by my mother!.

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'   

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'   

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like machinists and mechanics.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'   

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

P.S. I changed the 4th one a bit!

Giles


----------



## rake60

Think you've had a bad day?
Read a few of these posts...

http://www.fmylife.com/

Rick


----------



## putputman

Mexican Oysters

A big, macho Texan stopped at a local border restaurant at the end of a day roaming around in Mexico.


While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called 'Cojones de Toro' or 'Mexican Oysters'." They're the testicles of the bull from this morning's bull fight. We consider them delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'd like to try them. Bring me an order."


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are really delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sí,Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."


----------



## DickDastardly40

On the subject of Oysters:

Whilst travelling in Scotland recently, I happened into a roadside cafe offering beef & oyster pie. I asked if it was any good and what was the proportion of ingredients to be told it was good and that the proportion was 50/50.

Liking oysters a great deal, I duly ordered said pie and while it tasted nicely of minced beef, I alas had difficulty locating any flavour of oyster let alone any physical evidence. I enquired whether I had been served the wrong pie and when told there was no mistake, I again enquired to the proportions.

It seems it was one oyster to one cow!


----------



## tmuir

I thought you were going to say it was hill or mountain oysters.


----------



## ChooChooMike

tmuir  said:
			
		

> I thought you were going to say it was hill or mountain oysters.



Or otherwise known as "Rocky Mountain Oysters"


----------



## cobra428

What is your opinion...?

I love this Doctor 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. 
   Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; 
   that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. 
   Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.
   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient 
   mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  
   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  
   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, 
   that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more 
   of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms  up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat  ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. 
   If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

     Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
     A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. 
       In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

     Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
     A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. 
       You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger  stomach. 

     Q: Is  chocolate bad for me? 
     A: Are  you crazy? HELLO  Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! 
        It's the best feel-good  food around! 

    Q: Is  swimming good for your figure? 
     A: If  swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

     Q: Is getting  in-shape important for my  lifestyle? 
     A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

Well,  I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And remember: 

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention 
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, 
but rather to skid in sideways - 
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - 
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and  
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' 



AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. 
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats 
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## bigal2749

To follow up with the diet recommendation
 A gentleman went to the doctor and asked if he ate right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't chase women all nite long--would he live longer?

Doctor said," Probably not but it will seem like it".


----------



## steamer

quote"
CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. "quote

 Rof} Rof} Rof}



God I love this forum!


----------



## Kermit

Middle Age: 


That time in ones life when a narrow waist and broad mind start to change places.


----------



## tel

> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
> It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
> 
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
> 
> CONCLUSION
> 
> Eat and drink what you like.
> Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



I didn't realise Americans spoke English!


----------



## gilessim

Tel,

that's just what I was going to say!, no offence guys, just English/antipodean humour!

Giles


----------



## cobra428

I owned an MGB for 15 years and did all the maintenance on it myself. I did all the maintenance myself. I did all the maintenance myself..........So, I had a shop manual and in the back was an English to English translater. Bonnet...Hat...No....Hood ??? ???
Fascia No Dashboard ;D
Tony


----------



## Stan

Tony: You deserve a medal for even keeping an MGB for 15 years, especially if you had the carburetor that controlled fuel instead of air for starting. BTDT
Stan


----------



## cobra428

Stan
I had double trouble 2 SU's and yes the needles would come down to richen her up when you pulled the choke. Had my uni-sync tool to adjust the air flow. And the electrics where Lucas, when a drop of rain fell something electrical would stop working. Don't know how the Brit's dealt with it in foggy old England. :big:
Tony


----------



## tel

Lucas wasn't known as THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS for nothing. ;D


----------



## steamer

tel  said:
			
		

> I didn't realise Americans spoke English!



That's OK....neither do you Aussies!  ONYA! ;D


----------



## Tin Falcon

Have you seen this one.?

[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FlJsPa6UwcM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FlJsPa6UwcM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Tin


----------



## RobWilson

Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## Maryak

Tin,


















*BRILLIANT*​
Best Regards
Bob


----------



## ChooChooMike

> "The Knack" - Dilbert



Hey, I resemble that


----------



## Tin Falcon

*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
   - John Benfield*

Tin Weasel


----------



## rake60

The Swine Flu scare seems to be dying out.
Don't let your guard down!

If you wake up and see *THIS* in the mirror:






*STAY AT HOME THAT DAY!*

Rick


----------



## tel

Mate, if I woke up and saw that in the mirror I'd stay at 'ome for the rest of me life!!!!


----------



## cobra428

Can't make this stuff up! Only in New York :big:
On my commute home this evening. I past an auto accident that must of happened a few minutes before. Cops had the lane blocked off, traffic to a creep. As I past the accident of 3 cars (no one hurt that's why I can laugh). Front car rear ended and hit the store front of a lawyers office. Next 2 cars bounced off and the second hit a car in front of a auto body shop (on the side walk) next door... the third hit the front door of said shop. Rof} Rof}
Tony


----------



## BAH101

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -
ignore it.


It's just spam.


----------



## gilessim

nothing to do with swine flu (we hope!) but I was sent this little story;


 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:   


Dear Grand-daughter, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed. 

I found that lots of people love Jesus! 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 

Everyone started honking! 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
    ; 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back. 

My grandson burst out laughing. 

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!! 

Will write again soon, 

Love, Grandma

Giles


----------



## zeeprogrammer

So Moms and Dads..how do you like having yet another ultimatum to your kids taken away?

No more can we say .... "when pigs fly"

The kids will just say...."swine flu"

Sorry sorry. But really...it's better than some...isn't it? Aw come on...isn't it?


----------



## steamer

Zee.........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that was bad! :big:

Dave


----------



## Maryak

Isms and Corporations.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

WALL ST VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

steamer  said:
			
		

> Zee.........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that was bad! :big:
> 
> Dave



Awwww. You heard it before.


----------



## b.lindsey

*Pastor's Business Card*

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door. 

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis '
 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation **3:20** **begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked.'


----------



## itowbig

Gilessim your just mean man. i could not stop laughing . :big: ive got to try that that. th_wav  very funny. :big: :big:


----------



## Thad Swarfburn III

New here, and the others made me laugh, so I owe one:

Kid walks into a barbershop. The barber leans over to his customer and whispers, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this." The barber puts two quarters in one hand and a dollar bill in the other. "Kid, would you rather have - these two shiny coins or this one old note?"

The kid takes the coins and says, "Gee I'll take these, thanks mister!" and runs out the door. The barber and his customer spend the rest of the haircut laughing about the stupid kid.

Later that day the customer sees the kid on a park bench eating an ice cream. "Hey kid," he asks. "Why did you take the coins, don't you know the dollar note is worth twice as much?"

The kid looks up and says, "As soon as I take the bill, the game's over!"

Probably the only joke I've heard all year I could tell my mother, or even post here for that matter!

-Matt


----------



## Thad Swarfburn III

Another....

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## Thad Swarfburn III

And since I'm going through the jokes folder (some of the file date stamps are 1996!), here's another. There's a friendly rivalry that goes on between Australia and New Zealand. Friendly unless there's a rugby test or cricket match on...

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright
red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Australian guy must have groped the blonde in
the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Aussie guy must have tried to grope
me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped
his cheek.

The Australian thinks: The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in
the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Aussie again.


----------



## ChooChooMike

Variation on the same joke with Clinton, a buxom intern, Hillary, Bush, Cheney etc. insert your own "favorite" characters !!! :big:


----------



## zeeprogrammer

ChooChooMike  said:
			
		

> Variation on the same joke with Clinton, a buxom intern, Hillary, Bush, Cheney etc. insert your own "favorite" characters !!! :big:



In fact I told that joke today. Except with a hardware and software engineer. The hardware engineer was slapped.

Thanks for the opportunity.


----------



## Maryak

DATING 1960s STYLE

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960
and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like
something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced
tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a
bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the
beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out
with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the
mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking
pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop
skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy
ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue
burst into the house and slammed the front door behind
her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in
the kitchen.

'The *@#$%&*! dance is called the Twist!


----------



## BAH101

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. 


They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have three wishes each. 


Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. 


Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. 


The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!


----------



## Tin Falcon

Thought you hunters would like this. My wife saw some wearing a shirt like this had to tell me. 







it reads
"There's a Place For All God's Creatures...Right Next to the Potatoes & Gravy!"
photo is a link to outdoorsuperstore.com
Tin


----------



## 90LX_Notch

That shirt goes along with what I tell cat people...

I love cats....with butter and brown gravy.
Or
Cat the other white meat.

Sorry to the members who have cats; I am deathly allergic to them.


----------



## Tin Falcon

If you grow up on a farm there are three kinds of animals
1) Food: cattle chickens game animals
2)Work animals :Horses dogs mules oxen Cats 
 the work animals sometimes also become pets but they still earn there Keep. 
4) Vermin / pests: these are killed but not usually eaten ie rats mice etc. 
#1 rule the food animals do not become pets and the pets do not become food.
Tin


----------



## Maryak

90LX_Notch  said:
			
		

> I love cats....with butter and brown gravy.
> Or
> Cat the other white meat.



Another one dragged out of the memory bank as a result of 90's post.

On the menu for the duty watch dinner, whilst alongside in Garden Island Dockyard, was "Fricassee of Chicken." We in the duty watch duly ate said dinner. The duty cook was allowed to go home after dinner as long as he was back in time to make breakfast. Off went said cook but alas, he was stopped at the gate by the dockyard police and his bag was searched. Included in the contents were 14 nice plump fat chickens for which he could not account!

Without further ado he was arrested for stealing. At his subsequent interrogation he admitted that the chickens were from the ships stores. Further prompting by the ships OOD revealed that he and the rest of us who were duty had been served "Fricassee of Dockyard Cat." The cook had a supply deal going with his local chicken shop. There was a hell of a rush on laxatives from the sick bay. : ;D

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## zeeprogrammer

So cat does taste like chicken. ;D


----------



## Tin Falcon

> I love cats....with butter and brown gravy.
> Or
> Cat the other white meat.
> 
> Sorry to the members who have cats; I am deathly allergic to them.


Why would anyone knowingly eat something they are allergic to.???



> Further prompting by the ships OOD revealed that he and the rest of us who were duty had been served "Fricassee of Dockyard Cat."


...witch accounts for the sudden increase in the appearance of "Dockyard Mice " and "Dockyard rats"....


Tin


----------



## vlmarshall

Tin Falcon  said:
			
		

> ...witch accounts for the sudden increase in the appearance of "Dockyard Mice " and "Dockyard rats"....



Spaghetti & meatballs tommorrow, I assume.


----------



## Maryak

zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> So cat does taste like chicken. ;D



Depends on 2 things :-

Who cooked it ( most navy cooks could make everything have a similar look feel and taste despite its origins being animal vegetable or mineral) 
and
How hungry you are.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## 90LX_Notch

Tin,

I am responding to this because you posted twice now in regards to my cat humor.

I certainly hope that you don't think I eat cats. I may hate them; but I don't eat them. It's what I say to the cat people I know to get a chuckle out of them. Hell, I even got my daughter's ballet teacher to smile over it and she is the biggest ASPCA/PETA person I know. All the money from the dance recitals goes to the local animal shelter.

I appologize if you're a cat person, but I did end that post with:
"Sorry to the members who have cats; I am deathly allergic to them." (Trip to hospital, do not past go.)
It was posted in the humor thread in response to your tee shirt post; which, is in fact the same humor and would be offensive to the anti crowd.

Please let it go. It was a joke.

Bob


----------



## Maryak

vlmarshall  said:
			
		

> Spaghetti & meatballs tommorrow, I assume.



Well..............................................Anything other than chicken ;D ;D

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Tin Falcon

Bob:
 It is OK. I am a cat lover . I can take a joke . Just a few friendly jabs back. These were not intended to offend you either. 
If I was really offended the post would have been deleted and or you would have gotten a PM or e-mail letting you know in no uncertain terms of the offense. 
So in good faith and for the sake of humor here is a u-tube video
you can share with your peta friends. 


[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/RrI8V9ffMdg&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/RrI8V9ffMdg&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Tin


----------



## 90LX_Notch

Tin, 

Very good one.  That's the hardest I've laughed in a while. Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}

Thanks,
Bob

Oh yea, "Meow".


----------



## putputman

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 
 "Eight," the boy replied. 
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" 
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."


----------



## rake60

*The Story of the Little Bird...*

The little bird is in his nest. Mom has been away for some time
and he's getting tired of his brothers and sisters squawking so 
he decides to fly away. He jumps from the nest only to find he
can't fly yet. Now he's on the ground feeling lonely and cold, so
he starts chirping. A cow in the field hears his distress calls and
goes over to try and help. The cow can see the little bird is cold
but doesn't have many resources available so she turns around and
does what cows naturally do, she shits on him. 
Now the the little bird is warm but still not happy! He continues
to squawk. A fox in the field hears the noise and goes to investigate.
He picks up the little bird cleans him off a bit and eats him.
*
Moral of the story.....

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

Not everyone who takes **** off of you is your friend.

BUT, when your in **** up to your neck it's best to keep 
your mouth shut!*



Rick


----------



## scoop

seeing as most of the jokes seem to have animal theme this week,here is a canine one.

Q. what do you call a dog with no tongue?



A. Smelly bollocks.


 Please excuse my french  

  Steve.


----------



## Tin Falcon

Here is another one yo do it yourselfers may enjoy


[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7psfk5CWxK8&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7psfk5CWxK8&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Tin


----------



## joe d

Time to change the subject from kitties....



It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

Fr'eeze a jolly good fellow.


Joe


----------



## Holescreek

> The Story of the Little Bird...



A slightly different version of that "The little sparrow" was written on a very big sign over the receiving desk at the movement center, USMC base Camp Pendleton when I went through there in 1977. Nothing course or dirty, but it really drove the point home.


----------



## rake60

Here's a local news flash!
Area residents are waking to to find they have been *"Flamingoed"*.

It is a fund raising effort by a local church youth group.
The kids come in the dark of night and stick plastic pink
flamingos in your front yard along with a sign telling the property
owner who the they are. 




You have to pay them a fee of $20 minimum to have the flamingos removed. 
For an extra $5 you get to choose who's property will be flocked next!
It's been a lot of fun for everyone in town and the kids are
making out great with their fund raising effort. They haven't got me yet but
I wouldn't be a bit surprised...... 

Rick


----------



## zeeprogrammer

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Author unknown:

 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
So I got my doctor's permission to 
 Join a fitness club and start exercising. 
 I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
 I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, 
 By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


----------



## deverett

*SCOUSER'S JOB INTERVIEW*

A Scouser went into the local Job Centre, saw the clerk and said that he was looking for a job.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. 
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The salary package is £100,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter retorted 'Well you started it!'

(For the uninitiated, a Scouser is one who hails from Liverpool - the capital of Ireland - known for their scams)

Dave
The Emerald Isle


----------



## Maryak

Or...

Sean and Michael saw a job ad which read:

*Tree Fellers Wanted.*

Sean looked at Michael and said "It's a pity Patrick isn't with us then we could apply.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## tel

Yeah, that Patrick was the bloke who got killed drinking milk - the cow fell on him.


----------



## steamer

Maryak  said:
			
		

> Or...
> 
> Sean and Michael saw a job ad which read:
> 
> *Tree Fellers Wanted.*
> 
> Sean looked at Michael and said "It's a pity Patrick isn't with us then we could apply.
> 
> Best Regards
> Bob






DOH!!!! Rof}


----------



## Majorstrain

CREATIVE PUNNS


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
 He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

25. It's ok to fool around with a nun, just don't get into the habit.

Phil


----------



## hitandmissman

Those were some good ones ;D


----------



## zeeprogrammer

It's tough getting old...


A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. 

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." 


The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" 

The wife yells back to him, 


 "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


----------



## arnoldb

How To Know The Gender Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?!' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: 'How can you tell them apart?' 

He responded: '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'


----------



## kustomkb

My Wife had trouble opening a jar of pickles, 

And at first so did I...

















Just goes to show there's the right tool for every job!


----------



## rake60

Great tip Kevin!

I've always used one of these:





Then I have to deal with the neighbors calling the police
and the wife complaining about having to pick the glass 
fragments out of the pickles.

I like your idea MUCH better!
 Rof}

Rick


----------



## ChooChooMike

kustomkb  said:
			
		

> My Wife had trouble opening a jar of pickles,
> 
> And at first so did I...
> 
> Just goes to show there's the right tool for every job!



Hmmm, I wonder if that tool will now be called a *DillVise* or *DillGrip* or *PickleGrip* or ......


----------



## rake60

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, How did I get here?
Her mother told her, God sent you.
Did God send you, too? asked the child
Yes dear, the mother replied.
What about Grandma and Grandpa? the child persisted.
He sent them also, the mother said.
Did he send their parents, too? asked the child.
Yes, Dear, He did, said the mother patiently.

So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for 200 years?
*No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here*


----------



## Tin Falcon

you guys hear about the comedian that was wrestling with the pig????














It was HAM to HAM combat!!!!!
Tin ;D


----------



## Tin Falcon

today's bumper sticker seen on a car.




People Eating Tasty Animals
Tin


----------



## Majorstrain

Nice one Tin,
That put a smile on my dial. ;D

I had no clue what PETA was, but a quick search sorted that out.

For others like me:


> People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA):
> PETA's animal rights campaigns include ending fur and leather use meat and dairy consumption fishing hunting trapping factory farming circuses bull fighting ...



I'll just nip outside and chew on the only thing left, the grass.

Cheers
Phil


----------



## rake60

My wife received an email from my sister that included this quote:

*"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the 
floor each morning the Devil says~
'Oh crap she's up...'"*

Why do the women see the humor in that and we do not!
 :hDe: :hDe: :hDe: 

Rick


----------



## rake60

*David Returns to Italy*






*After a two year visit to the United States , Michelangelo's David returns to Italy . .* 






*and the proud sponsors are:*


----------



## rleete

I was walking down the road today and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


----------



## CrewCab

rleete ............ nice one bud ;D ROTFLMAO 

CC


----------



## ChooChooMike

rleete  said:
			
		

> I was walking down the road today and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
> 
> I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"



Now that's the funniest one I've heard in a long time Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} th_wav


----------



## BAH101

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 


A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else 
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the 
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE 
DAYS before they figured it OUT. 

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs 
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light 
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to 
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! 

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER 
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP 
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. 

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?
 *club*


----------



## Stan

Although this refers to the eader of the Opposition in Canada it probably applies to a lot of politicians:

 While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Ignatieff and his bid to be the PM of Canada .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, he's a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.&#65533;
&#65533;. . . &#65533;'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.


----------



## ChooChooMike

Classic image updated !! Soooooo true in the corporate world :big:


----------



## zeeprogrammer

From my Dad who is 83 and gets too much enjoyment out of reminding me that I'm no youngster anymore...

(Original post was several times larger and in color...)

Someone

had to remind me,

so I'm

reminding

you, too.


Perks of reaching

50

or being over

60

and heading

toward

70! 

1.

Kidnappers

Are not very

Interested in you.

2.

In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be

Released first. 

3.

No one expects

You to run --

Anywhere.

4.

People call at 9 PM

And ask,

'Did I wake you?'

5.

People no longer

View you as a

Hypochondriac.

6.

There is nothing left

To learn the hard way.

7.

Things you buy now

Won't wear out..

8.

You can eat

Supper at 4 PM..

9.

You can live

'without sex

But not your glasses.


11.

You no longer think

Of speed limits

As a challenge.

12.

You quit trying

To hold
Your stomach in

No matter who walks

Into the room. 

13..

You sing along

With elevator music.

14.

Your eyes

Won't get

Much worse.

15.

Your investment

In health insurance

Is finally beginning

To pay off. 

16.

Your joints are more



accurate meteorologists

Than the national

Weather service.

17.

Your secrets are safe

With your friends

Because they can't

Remember them either.

18.

Your supply of brain cells

Is finally down to

A manageable size. 

19..

You can't remember

Who sent you this list.. 

And you notice

These are all

In big print

For your convenience. 

Forward this

To everyone

You can remember

Right now!


ONE MORE THING:


Never,

Under any circumstances,

Take a sleeping pill,

And a laxative on

The same night!


----------



## zeeprogrammer

okay okay...after this one I'll get busy...from Dad again...

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

 That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


----------



## Tin Falcon

> U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it. 
Tin


----------



## rake60

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: 
Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. 
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. 
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. 
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. 



Here is a guide to the point system: 


*SIMPLE DUTIES*

-- You make the bed *(+1)* 

-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow *(0)* 

-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets *(-1)* 


-- You go out to buy her what she wants *(+5)* 

-- In the rain *(+8)* 

-- But return with Beer *(-5)* 


-- You check out a suspicious noise at night *(0)* 

-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing *(0)* 

-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something *(+5)* 

-- You pummel it with iron rod *(+10) *

-- It's her pet *(-10)* 

*SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS*

-- You stay by her side the entire party *(0)* 

-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy *(-2)* 

-- Named Tina *(-4)* 

-- Tina is a dancer *(-10)*

*HER BIRTHDAY*

-- You take her out to dinner *(0) *

-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar *(+1)* 

-- Okay, it's a sports bar *(-2)* 

-- And it's all-you-can- eat night *(-3)* 

-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team *(-10)* 

*A NIGHT OUT*

-- You take her to a movie *(+2)* 

-- You take her to a movie she likes *(+4)* 

-- You take her to a movie you hate *(+6)* 

-- You take her to a movie you like *(-2)* 

-- It's called 'DeathCop' *(-3)* 

-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans *(-15)* 

*YOUR PHYSIQUE*

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly *(-15)* 

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it *(+10)* 

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts *(-30)* 

-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." *(-8000)*

*ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION*

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" *(-5)* [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT] 

-- You hesitate in responding *(-10)* 

-- You reply, "Where?" *(-35)* 

-- Any other response *(-20)* 

*COMMUNICATION*

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression *(0)* 

-- You listen, for over 30 minutes *(+50)* 

-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV *(+500)* 

-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep *(-10000)*


----------



## zeeprogrammer

It seems so true.
But I'll keep playing the game!


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
 cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
 happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions 
 to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other 
 two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
 besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
 accepted."

 Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 **************************************************
 CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
 remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
 out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
 Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
 supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
 give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
 the look on my face.


 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
 Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
 Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels 
 like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
 beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is 
 in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
 other mild foods not much of a chili.
 Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
 taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
 standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to 
 look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
 considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
 the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I 
 can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
 paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
 had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
 beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
 It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

 Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of 
 spices and peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
 Superb.
 Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
 sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
 eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except 
 that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow
 cone.

 *****************************************************

 CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
 chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
 Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
 uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
 wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
 like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
 unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
 least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to 
 stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
 air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 *****************************************************
 CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
 but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
 hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed 
 out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if 
 he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
 chili?
 Judge # 3 - No Report


----------



## Maryak

Torpedo Moments

The thread about swash plate engines set me on a path of remembering a couple of incidents involving the old style 21 torpedos and the English design destroyers in which they were mounted. The first happened to an older ship moored behind us at GID in Sydney. The second to my own ship.


The torpedos were set in a launcher in banks of 5 mounted on the centre line of the iron deck. Like the gun turrets, these mounts were capable of traversing through 360 deg. There is a limited arc of travel in which the torpedos can be launched from their tubes and make it to the water alongside the ship. Further forward or aft and you launch into yourself. Sets of cut outs and limiting switches are incorporated to prevent this happening.

When not in use the torpedo launchers were normally in the fore and aft position.

Incident 1.

A peaceful Saturday afternoon around 15:00. The Petty Officer TAS, (Torpedo Anti Submarine), was showing his young son where Daddy worked etc. Whats these big brass knobs for Dad? asked the inquisitive son. Oh, theyre the launch buttons which launch the torpedos from their tubes, replied our intrepid PO. Knowing all was secure he went to say, Go ahead and press one. The son gave the big brass knob a good thump. This was followed by a whoosh of compressed air and one torpedo suddenly departed the tube and made its way through the steel bulkhead and into the seamans bathroom behind. No one was injured but it caused considerable angst among the crew in the bathroom at the time!!

Incident 2.

We were on our way from Singapore to Borneo and it was time for our quarterly full power trial. The weather was good and the sea calm. The captain decided that this would also be a good time to carry out a practice torpedo firing and we would chase it and recover it ourselves.

Apparently these torpedos can be set up to run to the target in a zig zag pattern hopefully confusing the target and scoring a hit. The tubes were mounted above the forward engine room and we were ambling along at some 15 knots in readiness for the launch and our full power trial chasing our torpedo. We felt the launch, which was followed by Full Ahead both engines and away we went. 

Not long into our run we started to make some very violent turns, followed by Stop both engines, followed by Full Astern both engines, again Full Ahead and more violent turns etc. The Engineer rang the bridge to find out what was going on.

It turned out that when said torpedo should have zigged, it zagged and so on. In effect we were being chased by our own torpedo. The next 15 mins or so were somewhat harrowing until the damn thing ran out of fuel and stopped. Even though it was only a practice warhead we really didnt need a 21 hole in the ship below the waterline. When I came on deck, there it was bobbing peacefully alongside in a vertical position ready to be lifted back onboard.

Alls well that ends well.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## zeeprogrammer

I always like stories that begin with 'It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon..."

Have to say though...these kinds of stories certainly build confidence in one's military services and/or allies. :big:


----------



## Tin Falcon

good stories bob

Tin


----------



## dsquire

Bob

While we can all get a good laugh at incidents like this after the fact, I don't imagine the seaman in the bathroom thought it very funny. Incidents like this are the very reason why one should never point a gun and pull the trigger even though it is supposed to be unloaded or empty.

Cheers 

Don


----------



## rake60

THE BLOND MORTICIAN 

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an 
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would 
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in 
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked 
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the 
Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but 
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds 
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; 
the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. 
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' 
 To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman 
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he 
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his 
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as 
he looked nice.'

*'So I just switched the heads.' *


----------



## CrewCab

8) ................ Top class Rick ;D

CC


----------



## Kermit

Browsing through my favorite library...Google

I stumbled across something unexpected.  You may have to read some of it two or three times before it dawns on you what is being said.


----------



## Maryak




----------



## ozzie46

They say that in all good humor there is a grain of truth.
  But this is absolutely the truth Bob.  :big: :big: :big: :big:

  Ron


----------



## cobra428

Bob,
I see the same thing..... it's the world over. Where ever you go.... there it is! :big:

Tony


----------



## zeeprogrammer

cobra428  said:
			
		

> I see the same thing..... is the world over. Where ever you go.... there it is!



crap?


----------



## Twmaster

zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> crap?



Well... That too...


----------



## Tin Falcon

Cmon guys we need to get more in the Christmas spirit

I think someone took this photo of Rick's Christmas lights. 







 ;D ;D ;D
Tin


----------



## Maryak

Tin,

What is it or was it ???

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Bambi?


----------



## Tin Falcon

Red neck Christmas lights. It is also the season for deer hunting in the North East USA. It is customary to hang the deer before butchering. and chrismas lights in the form of a deer have been popular so a hanging deer would be the correct answer. 
Tin


----------



## rake60

I like this one better. 






 8)
Rick


----------



## Maryak

*Santa Sleighs Them All*






Best Regards
Bob


----------



## zeeprogrammer

That's just wrong.  :big:


----------



## tel

... funny tho'


----------



## steamer

It's clear that Rick and Bob need to be seperated.... :big:

Much to disruptive to the class.....


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof} Rof}


----------



## dsquire

Listen up guys

I think that you better start to be nice. I understand that Santa may be changing tactics this year.

Cheers 

Don


----------



## rake60

Hey Bob

I have 17 more boxes of lights here.
Let's show how we can do *better*.

OK, I suppose we'd be *better off to NOT do that ...*

Rof}

Rick


----------



## Maryak

rake60  said:
			
		

> Hey Bob
> 
> I have 17 more boxes of lights here.
> Let's show how we can do *better*.
> 
> OK, I suppose we'd be *better off to NOT do that ...*
> 
> Rof}
> 
> Rick



Yes..................we could end up with a reputation like Chevy Chase. ;D ;D Mind you with Beverley D'Angelo as Co-Star who cares.   ??? ???


----------



## rake60

Never underestimate Red Necks at Christmas time.
Some even go to the trouble of making music videos.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK11485CvNM[/ame]

OK, so I think that's funny.
It just proves my red neck heritage. LOL

Rick


----------



## shred

Friend of mine sent me this one. Reportedly the police made them take it down because it caused too much ruckus with passers-by.


----------



## rake60

I took the back way to my wife's office the other day and saw that
someone actually did that Santa display on their roof top!
 Rof}

This isn't Christmas related but deserves a look if you think your 
day has turned to.......... Well....






Rick


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Not mine...


The English Penny
EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 ..

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Also not mine...

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day?


----------



## cobra428

Zee,

 Rof} Rof} Rof}

Tony


----------



## dsquire

Zee 

 Rof} Rof} Rof} That's priceless, for everything else, there is MasterCard!!

Cheers 

Don


----------



## Powder keg

Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## PhillyVa

*Oh ZEEP that's too much*

* Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}*

Philly


----------



## BigBore

I found some cheap airline tickets to Minnesota.......



View attachment LutranAirlines.mp3


----------



## d.bick

Any one else had problems with the wifes christmas present
 Dave Bick


----------



## rake60

We are constantly emphasizing shop safety here.
Injuries outside the shop are probably more common.

A moment of distraction, poor decisions, elitism or just plain
stupidity can also result in property damage, personal injury,
or just looking like an idiot...

Here is some *PROOF!*
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnlmtf_9NNY[/ame] 

Let's be safe now!  

Rick


----------



## jack.39

"Imagine whirled peas".


----------



## sourdoughsmitty

Well it was a rats day at work and I needed a laugh so I visited this page , well I got one and then some so I thought I would add one or 2 to the list
Seems i was in the mood to fish for black bass one night and off i went ,when i got there I realized i left the bait bucket home --so off on a search i went knowing that black bass are really hot for frogs. Wellllllll the only frog I found was in the mouth of a black snake ,I took it away from him  ;D, but feeling guilty about it I gave the snake a snort out of my ever present flask . A bit later i feel this tap on my leg and i look down and here is that same black snake with annother froggy in his mouth :big: :big: :big: ahh wth I just had a senior moment and forgot the other one :big:  smitty


----------



## rake60

I wonder if this place has an online web store?






I've been up that creek without a paddle more often in the shop
than anywhere else. They must have a machinist's department...

Rick


----------



## polepenhollow

Not many people are aware of it, but Franz Liszt actually had a younger brother named Gary. He was quite the rebel and, unlike his older brother, who was an undisputed virtuoso of the piano, Gary Liszt chose to express himself in a style of music that approximates today's hip-hop. Unfortunately, the mainstream culture of the day had no appreciation for the genre, so while still a teenager, Gary moved from their hometown of Doborjn to a nearby village that was more accepting of him and his talents, a city that was, in fact, founded upon rap music. Gary knew that he had arrived. 
Sadly, just a few months later, Franz received a telegram from the authorities of this town, and the news was not good. Apparently Gary had gotten too wrapped up in his life as a hip- hop artist, becoming a full-fledged gangsta and, ultimately, killing a cop. The telegram reported this news along with the horrifying bottom line, that Gary had been summarily executed in the manner customary for the locale. 
As Franz read the news of his brother's death, his eyes filled with tears. Just then his assistant happened by and, noticing his despair, inquired, "What troubles thee, My Lord?" 
To which Franz replied, "They hung Gary in Rap City, No. 2


----------



## Cedge

Polpen....
Now ya done it..... It took us months to wind Marv Klotz down from his last Pun Frenzy....LOL. Shoulda read that memo...(grin)

Steve


----------



## mklotz

Just to annoy Steve...

A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was
getting old so he decided to sell him on the auction market.
The only problem was that the nearest railroad was miles
away and across a river that hadn't yet been bridged.

Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age,
the rancher organized a crew of three men who he sent off
with his ranch foreman to lead Caesar to the railroad line.
After two days of travel Caesar and the crew arrived at the
river near the market town. The tired crew members
suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to relax and
fish awhile before catching the ferryboat.

"What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the
foreman. The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass
along the river."

After a long period of thought the foreman decreed, "WE CAME TO FERRY CAESAR, NOT TO GRAZE HIM!"


----------



## 1hand

PLEASE BOW YOUR HEADS FOR A BIT OF PRAYER.

OUR FARVE-THER WHO ART IN MISSISSIPPI, HOLLOWED BE THY NAME. THY BOWL WILL COME, IT WILL BE WON, IN MIAMI AS IT IS IN THE DOME. GIVE US THIS SUNDAY, OUR WEEKLY WIN. GIVE US TOUCHDOWN PASSES, BUT DO NOT LET OURS PASS AGAINST US. LEAD US NOT INTO FRUSTRATION, BUT DELIVER US TO THE SUPER BOWL. FOR THINE........IS THE MVP..........,THE BEST OF THE NFC, AND THE GLORY OF THE PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS NOW AND FOREVER.......AMEN;

MATT ;D


----------



## Artie

Huh?

"Please bow your heads for prayer"??

After reading some of these jokes.... some of you should bow your heads in SHAME!

 Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Darn it.

Just a moment ago I was feeling pretty good about this forum (vodka helps).
Thinking what a great bunch of people (vodka helps).
And then I run into this thread...there ain't enough vodka.

Marv...you said..."Just to annoy Steve"
I think you overshot. :big:


----------



## mklotz

Gee, there's just no pleasing some people. I give you nice stories with good literary references meant to elevate your intellect and do I get any respect, any compliments, any recognition of my research and editing? No, just sarcastic comments. Just remember what Sibelius said, you guys..."Nobody ever erected a statue to honor a critic."

Clearly what's required is something that appeals more closely to the cultural sophistication of my critics...  


Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame
Street? He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St.
characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the
job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive,
the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty."

"Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger,
a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'."

 "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming." As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie???" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special."

"Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. 
Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the
bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a
surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester Creep!" For lack of anything
better to say, he told him, "Lester, we're about to leave so please have a
seat." Now the driver was really thinking, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe.

 "Oh, gross!" he thought. "This is nothing like I thought it would be! No Bert, no Ernie! Just a bunch of weirdos!!!"

He mulled it all over for a while, then suddenly he began to smile. He
thought to himself, "Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?!?!"


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof} Rof}
That was great.
Bad.
But great.
My kind of stuff.
I wish my family appreciated it.


----------



## Cedge

Yup.... this could take a while....LOL

Steve


----------



## Maryak

Wot - No Flench Flies. ;D ??? ;D


----------



## ChooChooMike

zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> My kind of stuff.
> I wish my family appreciated it.



Get a new family Rof}

Marv - oldie, but goodie !!



> Lester Creep!



The version I had uses _Lester Cheats_, lots of variations !! :big:


----------



## cobra428

Fast Joke and you've all probably heard it already

optimist=glass half full
pessimist=glass half empty
engineer=glass is bigger than it needs to be

ba da boom

Tony


----------



## polepenhollow

Hi Marv
I appreciate the effort of Literary or Classical references in a good Feghoot or Shaggy Dog Story.
There's just not that many out there.
I also agree that Caesar should be "ferried" and not "grazed".
Here's one for the Masses, myself included.

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event 
happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, 
and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the 
pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).
A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten 
ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. 
Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field 
and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the 
ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get 
out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others 
decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock 
the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured 
the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram 
bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- 
and the ram ran straight into the bailer.
The ram was spit out the other side of the baler as a mangled package of hay and ram. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him.
They were satisfied at leaving the farmer with Two Swoops of Ravens on a Package of Kellog's Brazen Ram.

Till Later
Ken


----------



## ChooChooMike

Ken,

As one who suffers from a terminal case of paronomasia :

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/paronomasia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Just when I thought I'd heard them (puns that is), along came this one  :big: Rof} Rof}

Mike


----------



## rake60

Oh No!

I hate puns!
Especially these ones!
*
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was 
Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned 
out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it 
was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.*

Those things are just WRONG! 

Rick


----------



## rake60

This happens all around the world.
Small countries think they know it all!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBwNwoDVT8E[/ame]

Sorry, but my twisted scene of humor found that amusing.
 Rof} 

Rick


----------



## Artie

Well, seeing as how we are showcasing our respective cultures... Here one for ya Rick..... 8)
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdg0moFYQoY[/ame]


----------



## Maryak

I enjoyed this one.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT
OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME.



SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED..

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

WART HOG......

ASKED................................. 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???


----------



## Maryak

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! 

HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL...................MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke, 
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.


----------



## polepenhollow

I didn't write this.
I wish I were this clever
KL

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I porn surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot XXX galore'.
While I clicked my favorite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" Tis not possible I muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
.... quoth the server, 404!


----------



## rleete

Jesus drove a Honda. The proof is in the Bible:

*John 12:49:* _For I did not speak of my own accord _


----------



## myrickman

This one always makes me laugh..
http://thereifixedit.com/


----------



## rake60

*Don't Try This At Home!*

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xxCly6gvD4[/ame]


----------



## zeeprogrammer

rake60  said:
			
		

> *Don't Try This At Home!*



I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that would be fun to do.
But if you do..."Don't stay at home"...

1) She has a stick in her hand.
2) She's in the kitchen with many different kinds of sticks. Especially single-tine forks.

I would never be able to go home again.


----------



## John S

rleete  said:
			
		

> Jesus drove a Honda. The proof is in the Bible:
> 
> *John 12:49:* _For I did not speak of my own accord _



Jesus ? you mean the elastic man.

It says in the bible he tied his ass to a tree and walked into Jersulaem.

John S.


----------



## SAM in LA

zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought that would be fun to do.
> But if you do..."Don't stay at home"...
> 
> 1) She has a stick in her hand.
> 2) She's in the kitchen with many different kinds of sticks. Especially single-tine forks.
> 
> I would never be able to go home again.



Even if she didn't get you right away, you have to sleep sometime.

SAM


----------



## rake60

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser 
and puts it in their cart. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, 

and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar 
of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 

'Its my face cream.. It makes me look beautiful,' 
replies the wife.. 

Her husband retorts: 

'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' 

*'On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'*


----------



## d.bick

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Trevor. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 
; 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

Signed, 
RON  

EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.  His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


----------



## Maryak

OFFICE EQUIPMENT



A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.


"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"


"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.


----------



## BAH101

The pet store

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in, and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Servicing Monkey, please." 

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The engineer paid and left with the monkey. 

Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's well worth the money. 

With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked. 

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper. 

The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that the customer exclaimed, "$50,000!!!! Holy smoke, what does this one do?" 

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, mess with the girl monkeys, and play with himself, but his papers say he's a pilot!"


----------



## rake60

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVS1UfCfxlU&feature=related[/ame]


----------



## Donrecardo

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked..
'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!


----------



## ChooChooMike

Gotta love this one :big:


----------



## doc-zeus

The local Pastor was visiting a local elderly lady who was unable to come to the Sunday services anymore.

As he sat there chatting with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts, so he helped himself to a couple. As the conversation went on and on, he kept taking a few of the peanuts. 

After a while, the Pastor realized that he had eaten all of the poor old lady's peanuts, where-with he began to appologize profusely!

She replied, "Oh! That's O.K., since I lost all of my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them!"


----------



## putputman

UNIVERSAL LAWS 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

10. Law of Bio-mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof}

That was great. I sent them to myself at work.
I have a whiteboard behind my desk...
I intend to put some of these up occasionally...
For all to see.


----------



## Maryak

I enjoyed this one.





Best Regards
Bob


----------



## SAM in LA

That was funny.

That girl will end up managing a major corporation.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof}

Thanks. Yeah..it was good.


----------



## rake60

I'd put her on the payroll in a heartbeat! :big:

Rick


----------



## Maryak

Not quite in the same class but worthy of an honourable mention.

Boat Launching Procedures 

I just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage this past weekend. 

This is my first boat and I wasn't quite sure of the exact Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn't be too hard. 

I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat". 

Well, I don't know what they meant by that as I could barely get the trailer in the water at all! 

Anyhow, heres a picture below. See for yourself. What am I doing wrong? 

Youre going to love this guy!!!!!!! 






They walk among us and they vote!!!! 

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Paulsv

Great looking classic whaler tho- With the mahogany center console, that would be a pre-1975 Whaler. Probably a Sakonnet or a Currituck. Very desirable classic boat.


----------



## Jared

A boat launch is a good way to get cheap entertainment on a summer afternoon.


----------



## rake60

*A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting  at the next table. 
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. 
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwords they go to the theater followed by drinks. 
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens. 


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and 
stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. 
Everything had been SO incredible! 
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 


'No,' she replies. . . 


Wait for it. . 


It's coming. . 


The suspense is killing you, isn't it? 


She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.' *


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Any other day and I would have said I worry about you.
But today...I'm grateful. I needed that laugh. :big:
It was cheap mind you...but good.


----------



## rake60

zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> Any other day and I would have said I worry about you.



My wife "worries about me" *EVERY DAY!*
Rof}


----------



## skeeter

Hi Rake. My wife worries about me too. skeeter :


----------



## mklotz

I won't spoil it with an explanation. Just watch it...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ[/ame]


----------



## tel

> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'



 ;D I heard a similar one, where the punch line was 'I'll keep an eye out for ya' - but not, I think, suitable for these family pages.


----------



## Captain Jerry

I just had a meeting with the broker who is going to represent my yacht. We were going through an inspection and discussion of the boat's particulars when I volunteered that the boat had just been thoroughly sanitized inside and out with full strength Di-Hydro Monoxide. This is the conversation that followed:

Broker: "Wow, that must have been expensive!"

Me: "Not so much. We did it ourselves."

Broker: "Isn't that dangerous."

Me: "I think so. I avoid it if possible, but I've actually seen my wife drink it. It probably wouldn't kill you but I don't want to take the chance myself."

Broker: "Where do you get the stuff?"

Me: "We keep it aboard in tanks. We can actually store 120 gallons. My wife uses it for all sorts of stuff. She even uses it to make coffee. Want a cup?"

Slowly his eyes narrowed and he stared at me for a few seconds as the lights came on. "Dammit," he says, " I was writing all that down." then after a few minutes with an erasure, he flipped back to the front of his clipboard and made another long entry, glancing at me all the time. He wouldn't show me what he wrote but I think I know.

Broker: "Can that stuff be mixed with alcohol?"

Me: "Can be. I prefer the crystal form myself. Want to try it?"

He turned out to be a good guy and I think he will remember where he was today.

Jerry

PS Di-Hydro Monoxide = H2O


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Marv...

typing...
from...
floor...

was...
great...

tears...
streaming...

must...
breathe...


Jerry,



			
				Captain Jerry  said:
			
		

> and I think he will remember where he was today.



I like the way you put that.
It's great when people have a fond memory of something you may have contributed to.


----------



## Tin Falcon

Capt Jerry apparently some folks want to ban its use see below!!
 and no I did not make this one up. 

To: U.S. Congress

Dihydro Monoxide (Henceforth referred to as DHM) is a compound being used in products across the globe. Though this compound is relatively safe under the right circumstances, it is one of the most common causes of death or other accidents worldwide. Though it can be used safely, it can burn skin, and is deadly if inhaled. Farmers across the nation have been using this product on crops as a growth enhancement aid, despite the fact that it can cause massive damage to the crops and even BUILDINGS, which they justify because it makes the crops that aren't destroyed significantly larger. In addition, varying amounts of DHM end up in food products.

DHM is used in the processing of various non-food related products as well, because it can be used as an industrial coolant. This means a possibly industrial coolant is ending up in our food products without any warning to the consumer.

As of now, the government is ignoring the tremendous risks associated with DHM. It is a compund that we, the undersigned, feel should be restricted, if not banned, in this country. In addition, all products carrying DHM should bear a seal or label warning consumers of the presence of DHM in that product. Significant steps should be made to encourage farmers and manufacturers to avoid DHM, including some kind of incentive program for those who make their product DHM free.

DHM is dangerous, and should be eliminated.

Sincerely, 

Tin Falcon


----------



## mklotz

Jerry,

You should send him a copy of the MSDS for water...

http://www.sciencelab.com/msds.php?msdsId=9927321


----------



## Tin Falcon

yeah and give a link to this web site http://www.dhmo.org/
tin


----------



## johnthomp

true storty a freind of mine who suffers from thalydemide was reading the firework instruction leaflet in november last year and highlighted us all to the first instruction light at arms length he then held out his six inch arms and said are they takeing the piss or what


----------



## Tin Falcon

Marv & jerry that same guy probably adds sodium chloride to his food too. 
Tin


----------



## Stan

Marv: That sounds like Evan with an accent.


----------



## tel

mklotz  said:
			
		

> Jerry,
> 
> You should send him a copy of the MSDS for water...
> 
> http://www.sciencelab.com/msds.php?msdsId=9927321



Hmm - fairly accurate - I'd dispute this bit tho' 





> Non-hazardous in case of inhalation.


----------



## Deanofid

Man, that was funny, Marv.
"the front fell off"...

At least their big island didn't capsize.

Dean


----------



## Majorstrain

Deanofid said:
			
		

> At least their big island didn't capsize.
> Dean



Thank goodness No, but the bottom bit fell off oh:. 
We call it Tasmania.
 ;D

Cheers
Phil.


----------



## Artie

Funny skit but the damned thing did lose its nose... tanker called the Kirki (Greek) in 1991 just off western Australia dumped 17000 tonnes of crude and they did tow it out of the Aussie environment, not Aussie, not our problem.... doh.... the comedians are John Clarke and Brian Dawe, they have a lot of stuff..google em...


----------



## mklotz

Stan  said:
			
		

> Marv: That sounds like Evan with an accent.



ROFL.

Too true but we must be quiet. Evan probably has a bot crawling the net looking for any mention of his name so he can jump in and start arguing.


----------



## Captain Jerry

What a great day I had! I found this place in town that accepts visits by appointment only and today was my day! From the outside you would never guess what goes on inside.

While I waited for my turn, they served me tea and cookies and made sure I was comfortable. Nice music playing in the background, a little Bob Segar, a little Willie Nelson. When my turn finally came, I was escorted to a private room where I was told take off my clothes and relax.

 In just a few minutes, I was visited by two beautiful young women. One of them a blonde with long hair and the other a trim little brunette with a friendly smile. The brunette was fixed up in a nurses costume, (one of my favorite fantasies) and the blonde was dressed in something that looked like green pajamas.  Almost immediately the blonde came up to me with a can of something that looked like a can of whipped cream while the brunette watch anxiously by her side. She used the whiipped cream can with a practiced hand and just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, she stopped. Then she turned to the brunette and said, "get the camera, I want a picture of this. This has really gotten big. I'll have to do something with it." And she did.

When she was finished, I was in a sweat. As she was leaving the room, the blonde said, "That's all I can do for now, Veronica will take care of you now." And she did.

I'm going back again in 6 months and the best thing about it is Medicare paid for the whole thing. If that's not the way it goes at your dermatologist, try using your imagination. It helps a lot!!

Jerry

.


----------



## johnthomp

i went to visit my irish mate last week to see what renovation work he had done to his house when i walked in igasped blimey paddy your ceilings are high arent they 
  he replied yeah the missus wanted 2 rooms knocked into one !!!! 
   2 days ago i went for a job interview on a local building site he asked me a few questions such as 
   can you make a good cup of tea 
i replied with 
   of course i can make tea
he then asked 
   can you drive a fork lift truck
i replied with 
   how big is the f***ing teapot
  he then said ive got another one here for the same job and im looking for the best worker so ive got 2 forklifts outside both with 25 telegraph poles on them your gonna start putting them in the ground at one end of the road and murphy is gonna start at the other end 
   so i set off ive never dug holes and grafted so hard in my life at he end of the day back in the office the boss asked me how many i had done i said 3 
  the man exploded and shouted 3 murphy has put in 21
 i replied with yeah but look how far hes leaft them sticking out of the ground though!!!!


----------



## johnthomp

a few well minded gents haveing drinks were discussing the creation of women and what kind of engineer god must be 
  the first man said he must have been an architectural engineer as to how he designed her body all free flowing curves verry pleaseing to the eye
  the seacond said he must have been an electrical engineer as in the micro fine way the brain and spinal colum works sending electrical signals round her body 
  the third man exclaims he was a mechanical engineer due to her framework and how well all her joints work together 
  the fourth man now seriously pissed said he was a fuckin civil engineer 
the other men gasped in shock asking how the hell he came up with that theory
  he replied with who else would put a recreational area right next door to a toxic waste outlet!!!!!


----------



## rake60

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was 
as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my 
right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, 
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, *'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' *

*...Alright, that was pushing it, but you all know how I am!...* 

Rick


----------



## zeeprogrammer

rake60  said:
			
		

> Alright, that was pushing it, but you all know how I am!



Now I do. :big:

Okay everyone...time to rate this thread. Think movies...
Ah...that won't work...
pre-70 this wouldn't make it to the raters
the 70's might get you X
the 80's might get you R
the 90's would be PG-13
please don't tell me we've sunk lower :big:


----------



## rake60

Now Zee, how could a story about an old man having difficulty opening a jar
ever be X rated?

I think you have an evil mind... 
Rof}

Real life is even better at times.
The kids were here for dinner tonight and my wife was changing 10 month old Damian's
diaper. She was surprised by a full demonstration of the "Fountain of Youth".
I'll admit it, I laughed out loud about that too.  

Rick


----------



## rickharris

Any one recall when Health and Safety wasn't so much of an issue? 

[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4S8cNrIR5ac&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4S8cNrIR5ac&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]

Good parenting skills anyone?


----------



## Maryak

Just for ZEEEEEE

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHoZpO8cbUo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHoZpO8cbUo[/ame]


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Such teasers. ;D


----------



## Artie

common problem over here... 12 packs just dont last anymore..... wonder why he had the small ones...... :


----------



## rake60

Don't feed me straight lines!

*TOO LATE....*

A cold war ear USA President makes a visit to former enemy country.

*USA President:*
It time we put all of this behind us. We want to break the ice and become
trading partners. What do you need?
*
Country X President:*
Actually, what we need are condoms.

*USA President: *
No problem! We have the worlds best condom manufactures.

*Country X President:*
Great! They need to be 12 inches long and 3 inches wide.

*USA President: *
No problem, you will have the first shipment next week.

After arriving home in the USA the USA President call the Trojan company.
He asks: "Can make condoms 12 inches long and 3 inches wide?"
After a short pause, the reply is, "I suppose we can, why?"

*USA President:*
Never mind why. Make me 20,000 of them.
I want each one clearly marked;

*Made In The USA
Size - Medium *


----------



## Blogwitch

I had to go to the pharmacy last week, and when I got there, I asked the young lady behind the counter if they had some Viagra, but only in half strength.

"Why only half strength" she asked

I replied, "when you get to my age, you will try anything to stop yourself peeing on your slippers when you go to the toilet".


----------



## rake60

Rof}
I'd like to see that one topped Bogs!

Rick


----------



## DickDastardly40

Bogstandard  said:
			
		

> I had to go to the pharmacy last week, and when I got there, I asked the young lady behind the counter if they had some Viagra, but only in half strength.
> 
> "Why only half strength" she asked
> 
> I replied, "when you get to my age, you will try anything to stop yourself peeing on your slippers when you go to the toilet".



Do you also find it helps you to stop rolling out of bed?


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## SAM in LA

I had the worst stiff neck yesterday. :'(

It turns out that I didn't swallow my Viagra quick enough. ;D


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Stop! Stop!
This is hitting too close to home.
 :big:

On another note...

I'm a 'C' programmer (the greatest programming language of all time)...
Me and my buddies at work do a fast 3 lap walk around the parking lots during lunch...

We're known as the 'walking pointers'...

Right...you gotta know 'C' to appreciate that. ;D
And I suspect some of you do.


----------



## Twmaster

johnthomp  said:
			
		

> he replied with who else would put a recreational area right next door to a toxic waste outlet!!!!!



Funny. The way I heard this growin gup was the same guy that designed drive in movie theaters designed women.

Who else would have put the outhouse right next to the snack bar?


----------



## ksouers

Zee, you should appreciate this one...

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. 

In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"


----------



## Tin Falcon

Some bunny,s have bright shinny noses
I can tell you this now 'cus your a friend
the reason there noses are shinny tis
the powder puffs on the wrong end!!!
Tin


----------



## johnthomp

on the viagra note i cought my 49yr old mate takeing viagra with vallium when i asked why he replied with well if i cant get a f**k i dont give a f**k 
   and the other night the local pharmacy got raided and all they took was 25 cases of viagra apparently the police are looking for 3 hardened criminals 
   and two kids abbout 8 maybee 9 yrs old in the papershop this morning one said to the other i found a condom behind my brothers radiator last night the other replied with oh aye whats a radiator


----------



## johnthomp

husband comes home after a long days work and finds his wife ironing her bra 
he shouts what the hell are you doing that for youve got nothing to put in it 
  she replied with pi55 off i iron your underpants for you dont i !!!!!!


----------



## johnthomp

the credit crunch
   a middle aged couple were doing the weekly food shopping in the market with a budget of £50 half way round he stopped in the booze aisle and puts a crate of 24 tins of export lager in the trolley she said oi were on a budget he replied with its only £10 its half price she said we cant afford it put it back so he did seing her reasoning 
   5 aisles further on and she puts a jar of skin cream in the trolley and he sees the price oi he screamed were supposed to be on a budget you said and your buying skin cream at £25 a jar whats your game 
   she replied with its my skin cream it keeps me looking young and highlights my natural beauty
  he replies with so does a crate of lager i couldnt have and that was only £10 f***ing put it back !!!!!


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Just a few from my usual source...my Dad...who got them somewhere...

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me. 

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


----------



## rake60

Rof}

Your getting up to speed Zee!

Rick


----------



## rake60

I can not prove it, but if the little gal in this video isn't from 
Punxsutawney PA, I'd be very surprised. 

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FljdY5jV4nA&feature=related[/ame]

Rick


----------



## Troutsqueezer

From Omni mag, 1991:

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Omni mag. I remember when that came out. I'd get every issue.
I haven't seen it for a long while.

What possessed you to pull out a 1991 issue?


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Hey Zee, have you ever used "Stumble"? It's a website/toolbar where you plug in your interests and hit the Stumble button and it takes you to some pretty weird websites at random. It's one of my favorite things to do on lunch hour. 

Like you, I was hooked on Omni and this one brought back memories. 

-Trout


----------



## ksouers

That's a good one, Trout. One of my favorites from Omni. Funny, when I have to deal some dunderhead that's the story that pops into my head.

I also liked the short stories by Orson Scott Card and Dean Ing.


----------



## Cedge

Dear god!!.... I haven't seen Omni since about 1978. Are they still in publication? Spent many a midnight shift reading Omni while a very large radar distributed its magic waves out into the ether. Any "Callahan's  Crosstime Saloon" fans among this rabble?

Steve


----------



## ksouers

Spider!!!!

You betcha!


----------



## Deanofid

If ladies ruled the world...


----------



## mklotz

ROFLMAO!


----------



## kcmillin

Deanofid  said:
			
		

> If ladies ruled the world...



But, they do rule the world. Were just to proud to admit it, but everything that has ever been done is for a woman. Thats why we exist. There would not be automobiles if we did not want to get away, but that plan backfired.

Kel


----------



## BAH101

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans. I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian  :big:


----------



## Antti

what do you get if you put four blonds in a row? 
- an intake manifold ;D

Teacher asked the class that if you got something as lot as you wanted what would you take? 
-I would take gold and buy BMWs!, Mike said
-I would take platium because it's more expensive than gold and buy Mercs!, Lisa said
teacher smiled and said: Carl what would you take?
-I WOULD TAKE SILICONE!
-Why would you take silicone?, teacher asked
-Carl said:"My mom has got two bags of silicone and look at those beamers and mercs at our yard!"

some jokes from finnish mercedes-benz forum ;D


----------



## Noitoen

Teacher asks in class......

What do we get from sheep?
   -"wool"
What do we get from chickens?
   -"eggs"
And what do we get from cows?
   -"homework"


----------



## putputman

Hats off to the Aussies :bow: :bow: :bow: 

View attachment answering_machine.wmv


----------



## rake60

putputman  said:
			
		

> Hats off to the Aussies :bow: :bow: :bow:



 :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:

It could not be spoken more clearly than that putputman.

Rick


----------



## mklotz

A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.

Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.

When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."


----------



## Lew_Merrick_PE

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.


----------



## Blogwitch

Do Cats Stutter?


Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F**k O**!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

 :


----------



## Maryak

Hi Guys,

This is a translation from one of Galina's Newspapers, (as best we can).

Some common phrases of today that could have seen you in the funny farm not that long ago.

I will be in the forest but call my cell.

I can't speak any longer my hand is frozen.

Sorry, I accidentally deleted "War and Peace."

I sent you a letter 10 mins ago - have you got it yet?

Sorry, I left my phone at home.

I will buy more memory tomorrow.

Let's present them a home theatre.

If you don't agree with my math use your cell to verify.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Artie

Taking the piss?

Recently I was reversing out of my garage, keeping an eye out for my puppy who usually comes running down the stairs when teh car starts cause she absolutely LOVES a drive... see pic... happy puppy......






So watching inside the garage and not outside... i reversed into my daugters boyfriends old Mitsubisshi with my tow bar..... no damage but i felt bad and he laughed at my discomfort... basxxxxd......

I came home last night to find his brand new Ford ute parked in the driveway..... what do you think this means?






Cheeky lil baxxxxd.........


----------



## Deanofid

Funny one, Artie!

Just a boyfriend? They usually don't get to be that much of a smarty until they're firmly married into the family.

He's got a sense of humor. Or, he's worried.


----------



## tel

At least it wasn't spotlights and big neon arrows!


----------



## kf2qd

He sounds like he just might be a keeper.


----------



## Artie

Hey Dean, sense of humour... that he has in spades... Tel if he had teh resources I have no doubt I would have seen more.... and KF, we have decided to 'let' him hang around for a few decades.... but AS SOON as his times up........ 8) 8) 8)


----------



## dsquire

Artie  said:
			
		

> .... but AS SOON as his times up........ 8) 8) 8)



Artie

I figured that he better sleep with one eye open. :big: :big: :big:

Cheers 

Don


----------



## BAH101

Havin' a bad day

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 

'No, would you like to give it a try?' 

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he! got there. 

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'


----------



## rake60

That's a good one BAH101!

 Rof}


----------



## d.bick

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can 
 get a haircut?" 

 The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 
 hours." 

 The guy left. 

 A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How 
 long before I can get a haircut?" 
 The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." 

 The guy left. 

 A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long 
 before I can get a haircut?" 

 The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." 

 The guy left. 

 The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour.. 
 Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to 
 wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." 

 A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. 

 The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" 

 Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said ............... 

 "Your house!"


----------



## BAH101

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' 
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect...' 
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' 
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words 
went away.' 
Operator: 'Went away?' 
Caller: 'They disappeared' 
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 
Caller: 'Nothing.' 
Operator: 'Nothing??' 
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' 
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 
Caller: 'How do I tell?' 
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' 
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' 
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' 
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' 
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' 
Caller: 'What's a monitor?' 
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. 
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' 
Caller: 'I don't know.' 
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' 
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' 
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 
Caller: 'Yes, it is.' 
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ' 
Caller: 'No.' 
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' 
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' 
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' 
Caller: 'I can't reach.' 
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' 
Caller: 'No.' 
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' 
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' 
Operator: 'Dark?' 
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' 
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' 
Caller: 'I can't.' 
Operator: 'No? Why not?' 
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' 
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' 
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' 
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it... Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' 
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' 
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' 
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' 
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'


----------



## kcmillin

:big: :big: Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof} Rof}

That is funny because it is true. 
I worked in a call center for awhile, and it was not an uncommon event to have the customer "Plug the machine to to wall" to fix a "broken computer"

My favorite call was a "Broken coffee cup holder" or better known as the cd rom drive.

and of course the classic "Which one is the "Any" key"


Kel


----------



## rake60




----------



## steamer

Oh that's beautiful!...

Dave


----------



## Maryak

This came my way today.

Marriage Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
 _____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
______________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Susan on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Susan was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining
consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '


----------



## b.lindsey

An Italian Boy's Confession 

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. 
I have been with a loose girl'. 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 

'Yes, Father, it is.' 

'And who was the girl you were with?' 

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. 

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later 
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 

'I cannot say.' 

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 

'I'll never tell.' 

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 

'My lips are sealed.' 

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. 
But you've sinned and have to atone. 
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. 
Now you go and behave yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew, 
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 
'What'd you get?' 
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


----------



## Maryak

This was done to a large opening bridge in St Petersburg. It appeared on the birthday of the Cuban revolutionary Che Gevari.

Every time the bridge is raised, the FSB gets the bird. So far police have not been able to find enough evidence to prosecute any of the suspected groups. Mind you I don't think they are looking too hard.






Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Twmaster

Sweet!


----------



## Deanofid

Maybe this isn't really funny. It sure does make one wonder how these people survive.
His eyeballs must feel like sandpaper.


----------



## capjak

I was in Hong Kong one day and watched a man welding a railing while standing knee deep in the harbor with out any eye protection-and we are supposed to compete with workers in Far Eastern countries.

Jack


----------



## Maryak

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"  

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.  

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."    

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"    

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 "No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.


----------



## Cedge

A caller to a local talk radio program came up with a foolproof way to end the gulf coast oil leak crisis. He suggested that all they needed was a female's wedding ring. Just slip it over the end of the pipe and it'll immediately stop putting out. 

Steve


----------



## Tin Falcon

stumbled across this gives the term squirrel gun a whole new meaning just had to post the link.




Tin


----------



## Maryak

Received this today from an old Navy mate......................couldn't help myself 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God.  In the beginning was God  and all else was darkness and void, and without form.  So God created the Heavens and the Earth.  He created the Sun and the Moon and the Stars so that light might pierce the darkness. And the Earth God divided between the land and the sea, and these He filled with many assorted creatures.

And God created life in many forms, one of which was human, and the lowest form he called Soldiers.  But God is filled with love and mercy and to cover their nakedness he gave them trousers which were too long, shirts which were too short and deep pockets in which to warm their hands.  Then he gave them very loud voices and a limited vocabulary of words, all of which have only one syllable, that they might understand each other.

But the result was such that Gods sense of humour was outraged so he embellished their uniforms.  God gave them badges and he gave them coloured cords.  Then he gave them ribbons, and patches, and crowns, and chevrons.  He gave them emblems and crests and all sorts of shiny things that glittered and devices that dangled.  (When youre God you tend to get carried away in a big way).

When all this was finished it was the fifth day of Gods labours.  For looking after Soldiers is very tiresome and God looked for an easier creation.

Then God created flighty creatures of the air, which he called Airmen, (God is very bright), and these he clothed in uniforms which were ruffled and fowl.  But being a wise and just God he allowed them to wear bushy moustaches in order to hide their ungodly features.  And the Airmen too talked to each other and were not understood by the Soldiers.  So most of the time the Airmen talked to themselves and remained in constant admiration of the brilliance of their dialogue.

And on the seventh day God rested.  On the eighth day God looked down upon the earth and was not happy.  GOD WAS NOT HAPPY!!

So He thought about His labours and in his infinite wisdom He created divine creatures and these creatures he called sailors.  And Sailors were created in the image of God Himself.  He made them tall, with wavy hair and sparkling eyes, of splendid physique and calm demeanour.  Resolute and courageous, God made them rule the seas and to give direction and guidance to the lesser creatures.  And to complement their superior bearing, God gave them wonderful uniforms.

He gave them practical, fighting uniforms so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and Evil.

He gave them Service uniforms for their daily work and training, so that they might be sharp and ready.

And he gave their Officers and Senior people evening dress uniforms.  Sharp, stylish, handsome things so that they might win the hearts of the ladies at cocktail parties and impress the hell out of everybody!!

And at the end of the eighth day, God looked down upon the earth and He saw that it was good.  But was God happy?  No!  God was still not happy because, in the course of his labours, He had forgotten one thing.  He had forgotten to give himself a Sailors uniform!  *But He thought about it and finally satisfied himself in knowing that well, not everybody can be a Sailor.*


----------



## Tin Falcon

Bob:
I must disagree every history buff knows solders were first then sailors then UGH marines I think he really messed up on that one LOL then a long time later came Airmen. god obviously though this final creation carefully and perfected them in his image. 
You Know I had to say that. Of course tongue firmly planted in cheek. 
Tin Falcon
 USAF reserves(Air Guard) Retired.


----------



## dsquire

Joke of the Year .....


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.


Cheers 

Don


----------



## johnthomp

how do you make a cat sound like a dog
 cover it with petrol and flick a match at it 
 WOOOFF


----------



## Artie

johnthomp  said:
			
		

> how do you make a cat sound like a dog
> cover it with petrol and flick a match at it
> WOOOFF



How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in a freezer for 24 hours then run through a bandsaw MEEOOOWWW


----------



## johnthomp

i leant my beloved car to the missus yesterday verry worried after she set off i heared ont the radio that there was a car going down the motorway in the wrong direction so i foned her to tell her to watch out for it and be carefull she replied with theyre all going the wrong friggin way !!!


----------



## Maryak

One for the Shooters - From my Cousin in Canada.

Major General Peter Cosgrove is a Pure Australian treasure!' 


 General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 

 Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! 

 This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? 
 GENERAL COSGROVE: 
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
 Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? 
 GENERAL COSGROVE: 
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? 
 GENERAL COSGROVE: 
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.. 
 GENERAL COSGROVE: 
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? 

 The radio cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.


----------



## steamer

Oh that is beautiful.....it's 4 am and it made my whole already! ;D

Dave


----------



## b.lindsey

That is tooooo funny Maryak!! I suspect if it were to happen here in the US, the general would have been busted to a private after the interview but you gotta admire his honesty...made my day too....thanks for sharing it.

Bill


----------



## BAH101

39 things you should have learned by now 


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth.. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


----------



## Metal Mickey

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman for some bread. "we don't have bread said the barman". "Can I have some bread?" said the duck?". "we don't sell bread!" said the barman a little annoyed now. "Can I have some bread?" said the duck. "Look!" said the barman "If you ask for bread one more time I will come around there and nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck looked up and said "Can I have some nails please?" to the barman who replied "We don't have any nails!"...



.........."Can I have some bread" said the duck...................................... :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:


----------



## putputman

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'  


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Admin note according to snopes.com the origins of this e-mail are mixed. It is a interesting piece of humorous internet lore
see  http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp I has been circulation the web since 2007.
Tin


----------



## Artie

Oh!


----------



## Tin Falcon

I think any thought I had of wanting more women active on this board just went out the window. *wow *
Tin


----------



## steamer

Priceless! :big: Rof} Rof}

I'm gonna print that out and give it to my wife......if you never hear from me again....

Dave


----------



## Deanofid

steamer  said:
			
		

> Priceless! :big: Rof} Rof}
> ......if you never hear from me again....



.... you deserved it...


----------



## steamer

Rof} :fan:


Actually....she'll think it hysterical....provided I don't tell her it came from a bunch a guys at HMEM.... :big:

Dave


----------



## rake60

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. 
He asks what it is all about and the bartender says he'll tell him later.

So he asks the bartender for a drink and the bartender says, 
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, 
who says, 'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. 
A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks 
crowding the bar. He tells the bartender, 
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The bartender replies, 
'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'


----------



## GailInNM

I was standing in the checkout line at the local market and ahead of me was a very attractive young lady of 30 something or thereabouts. I was reminded of my Father many years ago when he was about my age or a little bit older. He and I were out shopping and under similar circumstances he turned to me and said, " If only I were 20 years OLDER, then maybe I wouldn't give a damn."


I am beginning to have similar feelings. Am I turning into my Father ??


----------



## Maryak

There are two four letter words I have an anathma to.

*DON'T and STOP *

Unless of course they are used together 

*DON'T STOP*

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## johnthomp

in an old folks hospice the staff were fed up of complaints from relatives of the patients about how unhappy and depressed their family elders seemed to be 
   so as a last resort the management of the hospice decided to get them all hypnotised to be happy and desguised this as a stage show for the residents 
   on the afternoon of the show the hypnotist started his act by pulling out a verry highly polished ans shiny heart shaped chrystal pendant on the end of a verry fine gold chain and started it swinging back and forth telling the audience to repeat the words watch the crystal watch the chrystal
   this went on for a few minutes and just as he had them all under his power the chain snapped and the heart smashed into a million pieces on the floor and the hypnotist shouted **** 
  it took the staff a week to clean all that up 
 just a good job he didnt shout **** me !!!!


----------



## Deanofid

What's with this language?


----------



## johnthomp

i think its been censored i should have written f**k


----------



## ksouers

Mr johnthomp, please refrain from using that language at all.

We try to keep this a "family friendly" forum. And there are ladies who visit, as well.


----------



## SAM in LA

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Here are a few that a buddy sent me.

Enjoy!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'


----------



## johnthomp

ksouers  said:
			
		

> Mr johnthomp, please refrain from using that language at all.
> 
> We try to keep this a "family friendly" forum. And there are ladies who visit, as well.


   thanks for the nudge i never thought of it that way so ill apologise here and now to any persons be they ladies or gents both young and old for anything i may have written that may have caused any emotional or morral discomfort in any way 
     i guess its just my common as muck upbringing showing through 
 i am soooo sorry i have no real excuse for it i just get carried away sometimes :hDe:


----------



## Ned Ludd

A Mother and her Son were in the back of a taxi driving through Soho, when the boy says to his Mother "Mummy, What are those women doing standing on street corners for." 
To which she replies "never mind about them". 
The Taxi driver having head the conversation turns his head and say "Go on missus, tell him what they are". Somewhat flustered she explains all about "ladies of the night" and what they do. The boy thinks for a moment and asks "Do these women have children?" Mummy replies quickly "Of course they do, Son. Where do you think Taxi drivers come from?"


----------



## wizardofwood

An older couple were being interviewed at our church, and when asked the secret of their
55 year marriage he replied with "I try and make sure we go out at least one night a week, 
I go out Tuesday nights ,she goes out Wednesday nights."


----------



## Tin Falcon

Think this speaks for itself
Tin


----------



## Antti

a man was driving along the road. suddenly he saw a red man waving his hand. the driver stopped. the red man said: "i'm a gay and i will rape you if you dont give me some food". the driving man was scared and gave him his lunchbox and continued driving. a bit later, there was another man waving hand. this man was yellow. the driver stopped and the yellow man said:"i'm a gay and i will rape you if you dont give me a drink". driver became even more scared and gave him his bottle of juice and continued driving. a bit later, there was a blue man waving him to stop. the driver stopped and asked the blue man:"what the f*ck you gay want from me!!!?" the blue man answerred: "driving license and vehicle registration please"


----------



## Maryak

Guys,

Just had to share this one. I have not had such a good laugh in a while.





Best Regards
Bob


----------



## dsquire

Bob

That is a good one. While watching that I clicked a couple of the others and got the one of the little girl burying the goldfish. I thought that was pretty good although I have seen it before someplace, maybe you posted it. Thanks Bob. :bow:

Cheers 

Don


----------



## ChooChooMike

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
    1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
    2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
    3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law


----------



## Maryak

When all else fails.........................GET A BIGGER HAMMER


----------



## cidrontmg

Hm. I´ve heard that when all else fails, it´s time to read the manual...


----------



## johnthomp

iv always been told if all else fails put the kettle on and calm down then go back at it with a fresh mind for half a hour then resort to breaking out the 10lb sledge hammer and proceed to bury the damn object 6" through the concrete floor in a caveman fashion then start again the next day


----------



## johnthomp

i saw a good sign today in the local garage it just said 

  to the optimist the glass is half full 
  to the pescimist the glas is half empty
  to the engineer the glass is twice the capacity needed in the first place


----------



## Ned Ludd

Two Victorian swells in a rail carriage each quietly reading a newspaper, when one of them drops his paper and sniffs the air. "Excuse me, Sir",he says, "but have you just farted?"
The other drops his paper, looks aghast and says "Dammit Man of course I have, you don't think I always smell like this do you?"


----------



## Antti

Once upon a time, there was a supermarket where everything was available. I mean EVERYTHING. One day, some workers were needed there and one boy from countryside came to the interview.

-"So, you live in the countryside?"
-"Yes I do..."
-"Have you got any experience of marketing?"
-"I have done something..."

The boy seemed shy but somehow the boss liked him and he decided to take him to work. After the first day, the boss went to see the boy how he is doing.

-"Hi there how are you doing? how many customers you had today?"
-"I had one"
-"Only one? I'm a bit dissappointed. Normally our workers have about 30 customers each day. What was the value of your customer's purchase?"
-"200 000 $"
-"200 000!!!??? What did you sell?"
-"Well, first I sold a fishing hook, then some fishing lures and finally fishing lure manufacturing equipment. Then I sold him some regular fishing line, then a bit better one and finally some barracuda-proof super line. Of course he needed also a fishing rod, so I sold him the best fishing rod available. And how could you fish without a boat? I sold him also a boat with 30hp engine + trailer. Then he said that my VW beetle can't pull that trailer, so I sold him a Range Rover. That did quite precisely 197 000 $."
-"Damm you are a man! He comes to buy some fishing hooks and you sell him all that stuff!"
-"Erm it didn't exactly go that way. When that man came to me, he said he needs some tampons for his wife, so I said your weekend is ruined anyway so why don't you go fishing?"


----------



## robwilk

How true is this

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.  
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. 
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. 
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. 
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education. 
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. 
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. 
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. 
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. 

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. 
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. 
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.  
Justice for all we say.


----------



## Deanofid

The Light at the end of the Tunnel.


----------



## tel

Centering system for the 4-jaw?


----------



## ChooChooMike

Or checking the alignment on your lathe dog ....


----------



## malcolmt

Maryak  said:
			
		

> When all else fails.........................GET A BIGGER HAMMER



When all else fails............................Hide the evidence


----------



## RICHARDDV

I was always told that if all else fails ,get the paper knee pad that came with the offending tool and read it.
                                   richard


----------



## ChooChooMike

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger :hDe:

Rof} woohoo1

A butcher who backs into meat-grinder gets a little behind in his orders.

When the wheel was invented, there was a revolution.

On the highway, a small automobile being pulled by a motor home, displayed a sign in its rear window reading "I go where I'm towed."

Mickey Mouse stole all of Minnies apples. Yep, he left Minnie apple less. 

The cowboy that got fired from his ranch job wasn't crazy, he was just deranged. 

The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks. (Gary Hallock)

While walking her pet terrier one afternoon, little Mary bumped into little Theodore, who was out walking his Doberman. "Hey," said Theodore as his dog stopped to scratch himself, "Does your dog have fleas?" "Don't be silly," she replied, "Dogs have puppies."

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

Bob volunteered at the local monastery's food festival for the needy. He was cooking the chicken when he spilled grease on his pants. But when he went to change, he tripped over a monk. Asked if things went from bad to worse, he said ruefully that he went out of the frying pants and into the frier. (Kim Komando)


----------



## dsquire

For your consideration.

Confucius Says: 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who run in 
 Front of car get tired. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who run behind 
 Car get exhausted. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man with one 
 Chopstick go hungry. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who scratch butt 
 Should not bite fingernails. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who eat many 
 Prunes get good run for money. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 War does not 
 Determine who is right, war determine who is 
 Left. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Wife who put 
 Husband in doghouse soon find him in 
 Cathouse. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who drive like 
 Hell, bound to get there. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Man who live in 
 Glass house should change clothes in 
 Basement. 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 Person who deletes this has no humor!!! 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ​
Cheers  :bow:

Don


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Some personal humiliation...

For several days, 'T' (my wife) has commented on a blue vein that suddenly appeared on the side of my nose. I didn't think too much about it...other than maybe it was a sign of some dread disease...or a few too many vodka martinis after work. Maybe it was just a sign of age. I'm 57.

Tonight I'm looking in the mirror and it was even more prevalent. Now I'm getting worried.

I rubbed it. It was lighter! I rubbed some more. It was gone! What the...?

It's my glasses. I wear cheap reading glasses and a close inspection showed some green stuff along the brass rim that sits on my nose.

I don't have a reputation for thinking about how I look. Nor do I take good care of cheap reading glasses.

As it happens, today I had succumbed to the pleadings of my family to get better looking reading glasses. I bought two...as well as a pair of sunglasses.

After explaining the 'blue vein' and getting past the 'ews' and 'ughs' from the family, I took the 'fashion walk' and showed off my purchases.

I can't win. What I thought were decent choices of reading glasses was looked upon by my family as evidence that I have no fashion sense at all. And, while I thought the sunglasses were completely idiotic on me, they thought they were my best choice.

I could only cite to them that this was evidence that I needed help when purchasing clothes etc. Something which, for reasons I do not understand, they seem loathe to do.

They should be happy that I no longer wear bell-bottom jeans, earth shoes, dickeys, wide ties, Frye boots, or that Nehru jacket that I got from grandma who didn't know better. And I'm far less hairier than I used to be. (Not all from choice...but some.)

I get a laugh that my kids think 'Mom' and I were hippies back then. I'll never tell them the truth. :big:

Funny though...I still had my 70's windbreaker...you know the kind...big collar. My oldest daughter thought it was the coolest and wore it until it fell apart.

Oh...and today they think Converse low-quarter or high-top All-Star tennis shoes are the rage. They were a commodity in my day. I had black ones...and orange ones. School colors.

Maybe I should reduce the vodka. :big:


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Grapes are a popular fruit to grow around these parts and I certainly have my share of them growing around the yard, including some that are growing up the lattice and over the top of my deck cover at the rear of the house. This area is home to my two dogs, Max and Niki who love hanging out in the gigantic dog house I just built for them a couple of weeks ago. For the last few evenings after sunset, these two canine mutts have been barking up a storm. Turns out they're not too fond of the raccoons who have been climbing up the lattice around the edge of the porch to get at the ripening grapes. If I step out onto the porch the raccoons will leap from the deck roof and hit the ground with a loud "whump!" and take off into the bushes. They would rather jump than work their way back down the lattice, understandably so. This is actually pretty entertaining because it's a long way to the ground from up top and you never know how they're going to land, neither do they. The dogs cannot chase them because they are trained not to leave the deck area unless given permission. 

The night before last during one of these episodes, I had the bright idea to take Max out and follow the trail of one of the raccoons who jumped. Perhaps I could teach the raccoon a lesson by giving him a face-to-face encounter with a 100lb growling dog. This would be fun for Max too. I had to do this on the sly as my wife is very protective of our dogs and I knew she wouldn't approve. I opened the gate leading from the deck and together Max and I noiselessly went up the hill into the fruit orchard where I suspected they might be hiding. Casting my flashlight around, I didn't see much until I shone it upwards into the trees. Lo and behold, there was a good-sized raccoon hanging there in the apple tree, hoping we wouldn't see him. Well, Max didn't see him yet, but I certainly did. 

This was the opportunity I was hoping for! I gave the branch that Mr. Raccoon was clinging to a good shake and.whumph! He hit the ground right smack dab in front of Max who was taken completely by surprise. They were face-to-face, not two feet from each other, just as I'd imagined it. What a glorious night!

Max gave a big growl and Rocky Raccoon sped off into the nearest dense thicket. Max took off like a bullet and followed him in. My adrenaline was spiking! From the sound, I could tell the raccoon had turned to face Max and a mighty battle began. Imagine the fury of a cat fight but the sounds here were more guttural and ferocious and much louder! Yup, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this might not have been one of my brighter ideas. 

From where I was at, I couldn't see what was going on inside the bushes and suddenly the growling turned to squealing and sounds of panic... and pain and then...nothing. No sound, no animals, just me standing there in the dark darting my flashlight about. I called to Max, there was no response. I fought my way into the thick of the bushes...nothing. I was starting to get pretty worried...wellpanicked is more like it. I looked all over the orchard but came up empty.

I can hear the back door on the deck creak open and out steps the wife, Sally. "You out here?" she calls. I answer from the darkness, "I'm up here!"

"Did you hear something?" she asks.

"There might have been a cat fight!" I said.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

I had to think fast"UmmmI was taking Max out for a walk, just to see if maybe he could pee here and there to help keep raccoons and deer away. " I had no idea if Max was alive and injured or if the raccoon carried him off for dinner or what. I didn't want her to know yet what had happened, not wishing to spend the entire night out in my newly-built gigantic dog house. 

"Well, why is he down here then, standing by the gate wanting me to let him in?" she said. 

I hadn't thought to look there. I rushed down the hill, fearing the worst, that his ears were bitten off, that he was limping, that his tail was gone, half a nose, something. What was I going to tell the wife? But I get there and didn't see any blood spilling out onto the deck. All the requisite dog parts seemed to be there. He wasn't shaking or trembling. 

I felt waves of relief and opened the gate to let him in. "Guess he got tired of walking", I said. Heart starting to slow back down. 

Max went over to his doghouse, did the usual circling thing, and laid down as if nothing had happened. 

Another night out in the sticks. 

Last night the dogs were barking. I didn't go out to see why.


----------



## tel

;D So wot does raccoon taste like?


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Like chicken, of course! :big:


----------



## tel

Some'ow I thought it might.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

I'm thinking there's a price to pay to keep my mouth shut. :big:
But I'm going to hang onto it lest Trout gets something on me.


----------



## Bernd

Your lucky the dog survived and that the coon didn't have rabies. I've heard and seen pictures of cornered racoon's who have killed coon dogs. When a raccoon gets cornered it will fight like a wolverine. Don't be fooled by their cute bandid look, they can be vicious.

Bernd


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Truly my life passed before my eyes for a moment there.



			
				zeeprogrammer  said:
			
		

> I'm thinking there's a price to pay to keep my mouth shut. :big:
> But I'm going to hang onto it lest Trout gets something on me.



Hey, she's never gonna find out. It's not like I posted it on the Internet or anything like that. *beer*  



			
				Bernd  said:
			
		

> Don't be fooled by their cute bandit look, they can be vicious. Bernd



Right on, my wife is exactly like that. Hence the reason my life passed before my very eyes. If that had happened you wouldn't be seeing this post in the Humor thread.


----------



## rcmadness

Great story Trout, just remember coons don't always just jump the dogs. Many of coon hunter has learned the hard way that a scared coon will tie into anything in its path including coon hunters. Especially when you knock them out of a tree. ;D

If that coon had fell out of that tree on your head I can assure you that you would have no longer been concerned about your dog or your wife's feelings.  :big:

Not that I have ever done such a thing!!!!!


----------



## Maryak

rcmadness  said:
			
		

> If that coon had fell out of that tree on your head I can assure you that you would have no longer been concerned about your dog or your wife's feelings.



In Oz _coon_ is a type of cheese  ;D ..................so I'm a bit mystified 

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## tel

... and very nice cheese it is too - if only I was allowed it!


----------



## SAM in LA

Maryak  said:
			
		

> In Oz _coon_ is a type of cheese  ;D ..................so I'm a bit mystified
> 
> Best Regards
> Bob



Bob,

Coon in the US is a raccoon.

An animal that can be quit vicious if cornered.

Best handled from a distance with a gun.

SAM


----------



## Maryak

SAM in LA  said:
			
		

> Bob,
> 
> Coon in the US is a raccoon.
> 
> An animal that can be quit vicious if cornered.
> 
> Best handled from a distance with a gun.
> 
> SAM



Thanks Sam - I couldn't quite imagine a cheese in a tree landing on my head and me worrying about my wife's feelings. 

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Bernd

Hey Bob,

This is what the little critter looks like:

Bernd


----------



## Troutsqueezer

This looks more like the one I encountered.


----------



## GOOFY063

I was out coon hunting one night and seen a 15 lb coon whooooooooop the fire out of 2 coon dogs and the coon had 2 22 cal, bullets in him, talking about mad. poor Ole dogs 1 lost part of a ear and the other a little nose and some lip


----------



## kf2qd

A 35 lb. racoon is about the equivelent of a 600lb. bear. Excepting the bear has better manners.


----------



## Maryak

kf2qd  said:
			
		

> A 35 lb. racoon is about the equivelent of a 600lb. bear. Excepting the bear has better manners.



Thanks Guys,

After all that, I sure am very glad we only have the cheese variety. ;D

Looks to me like a Tasmanian Devil on steroids. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Tin Falcon

The average 35Lb racoon is similar in mass to the average 95 lb coon hound.
5 pounds of hide and fur ,30 pounds of muscle and bone, and 60 pounds of attitude. 
But my pappy has been known to catch a young one from a short tree with gloved hands. No lyin' saw 'im do it. 
Tin


----------



## Deanofid

I think you're getting the best of American folk lore concerning coons, Bob. They're kind 
of ornery, but easily dispatched and commonly fodder for larger animals. A bear would not
pay one much mind, except in Walt Disney films.
Mostly, they're a nuisance, getting into the trash and things like that. Vermin, in other words.


----------



## mklotz

They can be vicious but they can also be cute and delightful. We live in a suburban area with enough green spaces to have some wildlife - coyotes, skunks, squirrels and raccoons. 

On early summer nights Mama coon brings the kiddies up to the patio door of the family room. They stand there like little forlorn waifs, looking in at us fearlessly while we're eating or watching TV. You can almost hear them chorusing, "Got any spare garbage?" After a while they get tired of our inactivity and, in a line, toddle off to the side of the house where the garbage cans are located. Inevitably, these encounters leave me feeling guilty.


----------



## tel

You mean _they_ don't eat grizzlies and rip Volkswagens apart? Another illusion shattered.


----------



## fltenwheeler

I had one as a pet. Great fun.

Tim


----------



## Deanofid

tel  said:
			
		

> You mean _they_ don't eat grizzlies and rip Volkswagens apart? Another illusion shattered.



Sorry Tel! Mostly they're "run away!.. run away!" animals. 

Dean


----------



## Maryak

Guys,

Not only has my daughter a sense of humour but once again how right she is. :






Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Tin Falcon

Some of funnest use of language I have seen is in product instructions usually chinglish. 
a few weeks back I ordered a cable crimper ,connectors and some cable for network cables I also ordered a tester. 
here are the instructions on the card :
Warning: Forbid to use for cable with electric current. 
Attentiono not use it beyond usage. 
       Do not change it on your mind. 

push power switch at first. And then the power will light after setting up an electric circuit. 

80 % of the info is basically useless. 10% helpful info, the other 10% is common knowledge. 
I did use it to make a cable the tester does work and so does the cable after a couple attempts of crimping on connectors . 
Tin


----------



## cidrontmg

Americans are quite adept also at useless instructions. From the almost inexhaustible stock of useless Microsoft messages, this is my favourite:
Keyboard error or keyboard not connected. Press F1 to continue.


----------



## Tin Falcon

yes: you are correct on that account as well . I recall reading a MSDS sheet for welding rod  " The word "hazardous" in the term hazardous material does not mean the material is hazardous!" Huh ???? 
Tin


----------



## Chazz

So, I guess I'll save a few tax dollars this year by making a donation to Atheism.



After all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 



They're a Non 'Profit' organization. :big:


Chazz


----------



## Tin Falcon

Quote from the history channel _Universe_ Program " _*Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side a Dark side and it holds the universe together"*_
Tin


----------



## rake60

Here's one for all of the Grandparents:


*Grandparents answer machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not available but, please leave
your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...
 If you are one of our children, press 1
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theatre
- start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"*

That SHOULD be funny....But...... 
 scratch.gif


----------



## ChooChooMike

I like the sounds of groaning in the morning ..... to paraphrase a well known movie line :big:

 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 80 year olds

          RIDDLES

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
    "Look at the orange mama laid."

What did one flag say to the other flag?
    Nothing. It just waved.

What position does a monster play on a soccer team.
    Ghoulie!

What do you get when you anesthetize a rabbit?
    The ether bunny.

Why did the bull win a medal?
    Because it was outstanding in its field 

What do you get when you cross a potato with an onion?
    A potato with watery eyes.

Why did the boy wear a wet shirt all day?
    Because the label said 'wash and wear'.

          SCHOOL WORK

Define "Left Bank": What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Use "Orthodox" in a sentence: Ever since my accident I'm either seeing the lawyers ORTHODOX. (Conrad Macini)

2 untruths = 1 paralyze

Book Title: "Bikini Exposures" by Belle E. Button (Willard R. Espy)

Dont eat too much, or you might end up in the hospital, observed Tom patiently.


----------



## M.Barry

one of my favorite joke :

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


----------



## dsquire

*Educational e-mails*

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and a special novena/tv evangelist has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. 

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan 

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE When traveling in Canada I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.. 

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .
. . 

Oh, by the way..... 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


Cheers  

Don


----------



## steamer

...I feel so uplifted now....... : :big: :big: :big:


----------



## Deanofid

Now I have to go move my toothbrush..


----------



## Maryak

OLD LOVE

Could be confusing, you know.



 I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.



I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind woman. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## Tin Falcon

ditto!!!!
Tin


----------



## zeeprogrammer

I learned something today.
The Dick Van Dyke show...one of the greatest sitcoms of all time.
Did you know the theme song has lyrics?


----------



## dsquire

Zee

No I didn't know. What are they?

Cheers 

Don


----------



## Artie

I dint know that eirher...but I quickly found them..... ;D

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DW9BZnhhAs[/ame]


----------



## dsquire

Artie

Thanks :bow:

Cheers 

Don


----------



## Ned Ludd

We have not had much in this Heading lately so,

Two expectant fathers waiting in Maternity for their wives to deliver are chatting about what sex their newborn will be. One says "I have got ten boys already, one more and I have a Cricket team" the other sighs and says "You are lucky, I have seventeen girls, one more and I have got a Golf course" 
Ducking for cover, tin hat in place.
Ned


----------



## dsquire

The Bronze Rat

One of my favorite oldies, which I rarely see circulating in the wild

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.

No, says the tourist. I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Cheers 

Don


----------



## tel

;D

Speaking of which;

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a type of fish!


----------



## SignalFailure

My racing snail has been under-performing lately so I took his shell off to give him some streamlining but if anything it's made him more sluggish.


----------



## Maryak

How True

Sometimes you are encouraged about the future when you see something like this. 

Specifically, there is an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.     

This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
I love this one 
The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s**t by the clean end. "


----------



## steamer

Maryak  said:
			
		

> How True
> 
> Sometimes you are encouraged about the future when you see something like this.
> 
> Specifically, there is an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
> 
> This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
> I love this one
> The winner wrote:
> 
> "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s**t by the clean end. "



Bob....that person won the prize in my book Rof} Rof} Rof}

Damn,,,,I'm gonna hang that one up in my office.....


----------



## steamer

Here all week ......and try the meatloaf...right Pat?
 :big:

Dave


----------



## robwilk

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be 
 as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense 
 attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine 
 the police officer's credibility ..... 
 Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' 
 A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the 
 description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
 Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' 
 A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' 
 Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called 
 offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
 A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
 Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a 
 room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily 
 duties?' 
 A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
 Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' 
 A: 'Yes, sir, .... I do.'
 Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
 A: 'Yes, sir.'
 Q: 'Now, ... Why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers 
 with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room 
 you share with these same officers?' 
 A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, 
 and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
 The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was 
 called. 


 Rob.......


----------



## Tin Falcon

Rob if we ever have a special recognition for best post to the humor thread I will nominate that one. 
Tin


----------



## robwilk

Thanks Tin 
I have lots of jokes in my collection unfortunately not many suitable for forum use . ;D
But here is another little story.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators 

Rob.......


----------



## d.bick

Grampa at the Supermarket




A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. 

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you 
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little 
b******** name is Kevin."


----------



## Deanofid

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


----------



## robwilk

Deanofid  said:
			
		

> "My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



 Rof}

Rob......


----------



## steamer

OK Dean....so aaaahhhh where you be living now???  Outdoors? :big:


----------



## Maryak

Deanofid  said:
			
		

> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
> kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> 
> "Yes", she sighed,
> 
> "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
> split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
> 
> "My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



I love this, but Dean..................."You're a braver man than I am, Gunga Din." :bow: :bow:


----------



## BAH101

French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie. 
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. 
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'


----------



## BAH101

Drunk

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! 

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!' 


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS


----------



## cl350rr

Texas traffic stop

Seems a guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a darned thing..."


----------



## GOOFY063

Merry Christmas

  When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. 
      Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. 
      When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. 
      Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. 
      Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. 
      Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'   

      And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

      Not a lot of people know this.


----------



## ChooChooMike

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins...... 

 Rof} Rof}


----------



## maskell

A drug squad officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the
fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....  

" Your badge! Show him your BADGE !"


----------



## ChooChooMike

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable...


----------



## steamer

Subject: Marine Stabbed at Best Buy by suspected shoplifter! 

November 27, 2010 

Associated Press 



AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys 
for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in 
eastern Georgia. 

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta 
Chronicle that a man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop 
under his jacket at the Augusta store. 

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an 
employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines 
collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program. 

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed 
one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be 
severe. 

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with 
two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations 
and bruises he obtained when he fell, trying to run after stabbing the 
Marine. 

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until 
police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is 
investigating. 




Thank God for Marines!.... ;D


----------



## robwilk

;D Justice :big:

Rob.....


----------



## Deanofid

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not."
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'll get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --silence--
HUSBAND: "Oops!"


----------



## metalmad

THAT LAST ONE JUST CRACKS ME UP ;D ;D


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabridge Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. This is bcusease the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanighuh?


----------



## Metal Butcher

Trout, your kinda startin early in the day, arnt ya. *beer*


----------



## Troutsqueezer

Metal Butcher  said:
			
		

> Trout, your kinda startin early in the day, arnt ya. *beer*



"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." _Unknown politician_


----------



## bearcar1

"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to exit out of your vehicle and step to the side of the road please."


"But occifer, what makes you drink I've been thinking?" *hic*


----------



## Deanofid

Troutsqueezer  said:
			
		

> "and inflames sinners,



Inflames sinners? Why would it inflame sinners? I mean while they're here... On earth, I mean.


----------



## tel

Shertainly I intend to drive, I'm too drunk to walk!


----------



## Maryak

Well,

My Xmas present came early. SWMBO borrowed ??? ??? ??? my camera.......................Now I have a new one 

I have also been provided with a photography assistant.







Oddly enough her name is ZEE. :

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Maryak  said:
			
		

> I have also been provided with a photography assistant.
> Oddly enough her name is ZEE.



How did she happen to receive that name? And what's so odd about it? And where'd she get her outfit?

By the way, before I went to college...I was a photography assistant. Is true!

Treat her well Bob. Treat her well.


----------



## arnoldb

Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## bearcar1

Lol!! Somehow the thought of Bob and 'Zee' there, alone together in the shop late at night stickpoke woohoo1  (I hope that's your umbrella pokin' me in the back) flashed through my mind. ;D It wasn't pretty. :big: :big: Rof}

I'm sure that it does get lonely in the shop at times Bob, but a "Doll" ??? Oh well. 


Happy Holidays

BC1
Jim


----------



## Maryak

bearcar1  said:
			
		

> Lol!! Somehow the thought of Bob and 'Zee' there, alone together in the shop late at night stickpoke woohoo1



Yeah when you put it like that it's a bit of a worry. 



> I'm sure that it does get lonely in the shop at times Bob, but a "Doll" ??? Oh well.



I think it's a spin off from when my father belted me for playing with my cousin's doll as a small boy and breaking the sleep wake mechanism for it's eyes. From memory one whack for each transgression. 

Best Regards and Seasons Greetings
Bob


----------



## seagar

Oh well Bob, what ever turns you on........... :big: :big: :big:

Ian (seagar)


----------



## zeeprogrammer

Now I understand the interest in the tu-tu. :


----------



## checkedout

Deanofid  said:
			
		

> Inflames sinners? Why would it inflame sinners? I mean while they're here... On earth, I mean.



Most alcohol is flammable. I think that's what he means. 

OH... and here's a little video about where I'm from: Portland Oregon.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE_9CzLCbkY[/ame]

Enjoy.


----------



## zeeprogrammer

That was great. I did enjoy.
Thanks.


----------



## ChooChooMike

*Understanding Engineers One*

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


*Understanding Engineers Two*

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*Understanding Engineers Three*

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


*Understanding Engineers Four*

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.


*Understanding Engineers Five*

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*Understanding Engineers Six*

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*Understanding Engineers Seven*

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

*Understanding Engineers Eight*

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


----------



## Cedge

An unusual juxtaposition of events will take place in 2011: Both, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day.

Personally, I find it ironic. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication....The other involves a groundhog.

Steve


----------



## bearcar1

OOOooooooooooo :big: I take it you're not from PA then. ;D


BC1
Jim


----------



## cl350rr

Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Lilly, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
 What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.
 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 Walmart won't let me shop there anymore.
 Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


----------



## Noitoen

:big: :big: :big: :big:


----------



## rudydubya

*Understanding Engineers Nine*

What's the difference between an Electrical Engineer and an Electronics Engineer?

About 100 volts.


----------



## Metal Butcher

Us happy go lucky, stress free, retired folks can come up with silly things to say at the spur of the moment.

My wife "Honey" is an avid gardener and spends a great deal of time moving her flowers around. I noticed her tools were getting rusty, old, and seriously in need of attention. The news paper indicated that Sears was having a sale on long handled tools, so I went and bought two of every style they had to offer and hung them up in a neat row along one side of the tool shed. Needless to say she was thrilled.

A few weeks later she broke a long handled shovel with a very small metal head (spade?) trying to pry under a large rock in an attempt to relocate it. No problem, its a Craftsman with a replacement warranty. So I took both pieces of the 'new' shovel back to the store. When I showed it to a clerk and he said "no problem we can give you a new one." With a puzzled look on his face he said "Can I ask what happened to it?" My response was "My wife is a Russian Body Builder!" When I asked her to marry me, she threw me over her shoulder and said, "Ve go now!"

The clerk busted out laughing along with a few bystanders that were listening in.

-MB


----------



## Maryak

Metal Butcher  said:
			
		

> "Ve go now!"
> -MB



"Pashlee Dorogoy".....................not quite the same ring to it. ;D

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## rake60

Cedge  said:
			
		

> An unusual juxtaposition of events will take place in 2011: Both, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day.
> 
> Personally, I find it ironic. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication....The other involves a groundhog.
> 
> Steve



Well I AM from Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney PA to be exact, Home of the Groundhog.

I thought Phil (the groundhog) would find this amusing. He didn't!

I didn't hear all of the phone call, but I'm pretty sure I heard the name Steve followed by 
"_*Yinz*_ guys gotta pay this man a visit."

I wouldn't worry too much Steve.
He's just a groundhog.... 


Rick


----------



## Antman

So theres this blonde and shes cruising around Johannesburg on the Concrete Highway (Ring Road) at way over the speed limit and a JPD traffic cop roars up alongside her on a big white Suziki with blue lights and a siren and pulls her off to the side of the road and asks her for her license.
   Confused, she asks, Whats a licence?
   Its that little thing in your handbag with your face on it.
   The blonde rumages through the clutter in her handbag, finds a small mirror, looks at it and hands it to the speed cop who happens to be a lady and also blonde.  The cop has one look at the little mirror.
   Sorry, if I would of known you was also a cop I would never of stopped you.

  Theres this politician and he has to address a local political rally so he goes to his spin doctor and asks him to write him a tight 20 minute speech. After his rally hes furious and goes to his staffer and fuming tells him,
  I was ranting and raving for an hour and a half and after a half an hour the people started shaking their heads and before I had finished they were walking out. What have you done to me!!
  I did like you told me to, I wrote a 20 minute speech, I gave you the original and 3 copies like you asked.


  My boyfriend had dandruff so I gave him Head and Shoulders.
    Really? a moments pause, How do you give shoulders?


----------



## ksouers

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. 

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid 
shirt. 

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. 
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, 
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. 

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?" 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. 
"But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." 

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]


----------



## dgjessing

What do lawyers do when they die? 

They lie still. 





(Sorry!)


----------



## rleete

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.


----------



## wareagle

Investment considerations:


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. 

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. 



Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. 

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!


----------



## d.bick

You know by today's standards none of us was suppose to ever make it. 

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2010 

Scenario 1: 
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.  

Scenario 2: 
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it 

Scenario 3: 
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principals office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. 

Scenario 4: 
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. 

Scenario 5: 
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.. 
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock 
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.  

Scenario 6: 
Pedro fails high school English. 
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.  

Scenario 7: 
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 
1957 - Ants die. 
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. 

Scenario 8: 
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


----------



## dsquire

It is an unfortunate sign of the times but this comes too close to being true. Thanks for posting it. 

Cheers 

Don


----------



## Metal Butcher

"Many a truth, are told in jest."- Unknown

-MB


----------



## rake60

Bill is the town's oldest, most respected mortician.

One day he decides to open up completely to his best friend Bob.
_
*Bill*_
"Bob, you need to come over and see the guy I'm prepping for display" 

_*Bob*_
"I really don't want to see any dead bodies, but if it's that important to you... OK."

As Bob enters the work area Bill pulls the sheet off of his current customer.

_*Bob*_
"My God Bill, I've known you most of our lives. I never know you had anything THAT BIG!"
_
*Bill*_
"You're missing the point here Bob. Not that big, *THAT DEAD!*"

Sometimes honesty hurts......


----------



## Tin Falcon

Warning sign down the road from the miniature horse farm.
"caution reduced steed ahead". 
Tin Falcon


----------



## Captain Jerry

Here is a cool project. How about a team build?





We would have to design some kind of cyclical load to show off the sinusoidal repleneration.

Jerry


----------



## Metal Butcher

Team build... Yea...count me in!

Marv could clarify the operating principal, and George could draw up the plans.

I volunteer to make all the bushings. Oh, and to supply all of the cap screws. ;D

-MB


----------



## Noitoen

English please.


----------



## steamer

Noitoen  said:
			
		

> English please.



 Rof}

We'd translate it for you if there was one...


----------



## Maryak

Noitoen  said:
			
		

> English please.



&#1069;&#1090;&#1086; &#1041;&#1099;&#1082; &#1101;&#1082;&#1089;&#1082;&#1088;&#1077;&#1084;&#1077;&#1085;&#1090;&#1099; :

There ya go ;D

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## lazylathe

HUH???

I love the "Magneto Reluctance"

I never knew they were reluctant??
Maybe there is a country of oppressed magneto's out there!!!

Andrew


----------



## rake60

Who needs a team to build that?

I'll make one. Be back in 10 minutes with photos....
*
OR NOT!*  Rof}


----------



## Maryak

Maryak  said:
			
		

> &#1069;&#1090;&#1086; &#1041;&#1099;&#1082; &#1101;&#1082;&#1089;&#1082;&#1088;&#1077;&#1084;&#1077;&#1085;&#1090;&#1099; :



They say a picture's worth 1000 words.


----------



## metalmuncher

This will probably be understood better if you live in England, Keith.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with
the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts" he
replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment
as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab
started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he
had Allsorts..!


----------



## Ned Ludd

What a sweet story.
Ned


----------



## robwilk

metalmuncher  said:
			
		

> This will probably be understood better if you live in England, Keith.
> 
> Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
> They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with
> the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts" he
> replied. He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
> He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a fab moment
> as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dib Dab
> started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he
> had Allsorts..!



Brilliant i like that one Rof}

Rob.....


----------



## bearcar1

WARNING: Watch Your Step! 

BC1
Jim


----------



## dsquire

bearcar1  said:
			
		

> WARNING: Watch Your Step!
> 
> BC1
> Jim



Now you tell me!  

Cheers 

Don


----------



## dsquire

How the Internet started:-


A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

...... and that is how it all began. 


Cheers  

Don


----------



## Maryak

That's what's known as a 

line into new unusual xfactors (LINUX)

which resulted in amongst others

Renewed entry derivative handling alternate threads or REDHAT 

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## GOOFY063

.

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


----------



## Maryak

I LIKE IT :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:


----------



## Twmaster

Marriage is like a game of cards....

At some point you have two hearts and a diamond....

Some time later you really want a club and a spade.....


----------



## robwilk

Twmaster  said:
			
		

> Marriage is like a game of cards....
> 
> At some point you have two hearts and a diamond....
> 
> Some time later you really want a club and a spade.....



 :big: I like it
I will have to remember that one

Rob.....


----------



## rake60

Twmaster  said:
			
		

> Marriage is like a game of cards....
> 
> At some point you have two hearts and a diamond....
> 
> Some time later you really want a club and a spade.....



My wife says it's more like a game of American Football.

Some days she wants to get us and kick me in the*"End Zone"*.
 :hDe:

Rick


----------



## rake60

*WOMEN 

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without 
fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most 
intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man 
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and 
invincible... 

No wait...Sorry. 

I'm thinking of beer. 
It's beer that does all that stuff.

Never mind... 
*


----------



## tel

Rof} Rof} Rof}


----------



## bearcar1

Beer..........

Since the beginning of man........

allowing ugly people to have sex



BC1
Jim


----------



## mzetati

Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect... I
was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a
squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time to brake or avoid it
- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a
motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time
to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I
discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel
flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my
oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His
mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am
pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen !" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as
he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would
have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans
this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing
some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser,
dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph
down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary peeved-off
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he
caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of
the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact,
he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and
extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove
with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks
were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking
back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one
result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very,
very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I
screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel and with a squirrel on his back. The man
and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden
acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and
try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his
own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree,
house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the
throttle .... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the
back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big
cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying
sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil
mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway, he began
hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had
little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPM's on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting
at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on
a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn
t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still
on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly
closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the
upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my
helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked
... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of .. so to speak. Picture a new scene. You
are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential
street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a
large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn
t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving
at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and
with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your
police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle
under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop
sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get
my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First,
the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at
the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car
were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back,
doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the
car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street
and was aiming a shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not
interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it"
anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded
and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could
also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist
at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat
shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on
my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately
left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair
of gloves. And some Band-Aids.


----------



## Dan Rowe

mzetati  said:
			
		

> "let the professionals handle it"



 :bow: :bow: :bow: ;D ;D ;D

Dan


----------



## GOOFY063

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".


----------



## Maryak

If you can complete this...............Welcome to Oz

Best Regards
Bob 

View attachment Australian Citizen Test.pdf


----------



## tel

*beer* I think I passed!


----------



## ttrikalin

In the beautiful forest a little bunny runs energetically, filled with energy, excitement and joy. 

It comes across a deer who's lying down shooting heroin. 
- Look at you, the bunny says, filled with misery on such a bright day! Stop the heroin and come run and exercise with me, channel your energy to others, clear your head!
the bunny's energy rubs off. 
- OK, I'm game, says the deer, let's go run together!

A few meters down the trail they see a fox on LSD. 
- Look at you, the deer says. Trapped in a maze of illusions! Feel our energy and excitement, come exercise with us, let's run around the forest and enjoy this bright day!
the fox see's their energetic run, and motivated joins them. 

A little while down the trail they come across the big bad wolf and little red riding hood; both stoned. Empty stares, half opened mouths, drooling. 
- Look at you, says the fox. Stop wasting these moments, feel the energy that transcends us, get off your lazy a$$3$ and come run around with us!
The big bad wolf turns a tired eye towards them:
- Get a grip of yourselves and go shoot your poison! I'm done running up and downevery time the bunny gets on ecstasy...

/*******************/

loses in translation -- just heard that on a greek tv show...  :big:

tom in MA


----------



## rake60

Sometimes you have to admit an email forward is GOOD! LOL

*"I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to 
the starving people throughout the world. 

I told them to kiss my butt. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving." *


----------



## Maryak

For all our Matloe's

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_poMZSUUyg&feature=player_detailpage]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_poMZSUUyg&feature=player_detailpage[/ame]

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## robwilk

Summer Romance... 

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab and squeeze you, because I can't forget what happened last night.
You came to me so unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from no where and , shamelessly and without any reservations, lay on my naked body. So voluptuously you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you in vain, and only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult for me to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

Bloody mosquito !!!!! ;D


Rob.......


----------



## GOOFY063

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
>> >> morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
>> >> said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left
>> >> ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled
>> >> it out and stared at it.
>> >> Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
>> >> know where to find my hearing aid.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 
>> >> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
>> >> in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
>> >> No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family
>> >> phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of
>> >> diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night
>> >> and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
>> >> would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover
>> >> rather than the big **** he always was.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 
>> >> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
>> >> were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a
>> >> wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for
>> >> days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back
>> >> to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they
>> >> found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got
>> >> a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found
>> >> your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to
>> >> the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a
>> >> pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send
>> >> me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 
>> >> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
>> >> away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
>> >> casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
>> >> casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
>> >> the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
>> >> dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the
>> >> pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
>> >> casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 
>> >> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
>> >> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>> >> She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
>> >> me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
>> >> fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
>> >> I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me
>> >> homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes
>> >> love to me for half the afternoon...
>> >> I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes
>> >> me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes
>> >> love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would
     you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


----------



## GOOFY063

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop..
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON !


----------



## Maryak

Heres a thought.

Being Green is the new thing, or is it?

In the queue at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should
bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the
environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So
they really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a car every time they had to go two streets away. But she was right.. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Queensland . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or went on the bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?


----------



## dsquire

Bob

There is more truth in that then anyone cares to admit. Thanks for posting that. :bow:

Cheers 

Don


----------



## GOOFY063

The Truth


My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he
said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
She said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken,
pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I
told him what happened,
and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the
other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told
me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire
most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...


----------



## tattoomike68

A preacher walking along the street encountered a lady of the evening proposing to ply her trade. He was shocked, told her that he was a man of the cloth and proceeded to lecture her on the errors of her ways. Proceeding on home, he was much troubled by the incident and prayed about her far into the night.



The next morning he was walking down the same street when he saw the same woman again.



"Madam", he said, "I prayed for you last night."



"Well, Reverend, you didn't have to do that. If you'd phoned I'd have come right over."


----------



## rake60

And I thought they were trying to make it easier for *me!* :wall:

Rick


----------



## Maryak

WHY TEACHERS DRINK..................















































































































Best Regards
Bob


----------



## robwilk

Bob how did you get hold of my old school exams. Rof}

Rob.......


----------



## AndyB

The village priest is walking down the road when he sees Seamus coming the other way, one hand in his pocket and a loaf in the other.

"Good morning to you Seamus, I see you have the staff of life in your hand. What's in the other?"

"Bread"

*************************************************************************************

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch." 

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. 

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're having granite worktops." 

*************************************************************************************


Non PC...

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless you for having a go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham. 

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Andy


----------



## rake60

My wife had promised to watch our grandson last Saturday, then was told she had to work.

She asked me if I could watch him until she got home.

I told her I could do that with my eyes closed. *SERIOUSLY!*

She took this picture at some point that day.






Rick
(AKA Watchful Pappy)
 :hDe:


----------



## metalmad

Great pic Rick :bow:


----------



## steamer

Great pic Rick...I've got one of them with the twins somewhere....

Dave


----------



## Maryak

A maid asked for a pay increase 
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. 
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase. 
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband says so.'
Wife: 'Oh.' 
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh. 
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'


----------



## capjak

And then there was the guy that saw an ad on Ebay for a penis enhancement tool so he bought it. When he opened the package he found a magnifying glass with this attached warning label: CAUTION, DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT!


----------



## pcw

A middle aged man bought a brand new camaro. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 mph, and was enjoying the wind ing
through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no
problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over
160 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing?
I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,
and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the camaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman
and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought
you were bringing her back."

Policeman said, "Have a nice day."


----------



## Tin Falcon

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the drivers door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The cars speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, think the trooper was actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled. PULL OVER! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers dont have a sense of humor?

Tin


----------



## Tin Falcon

tin


----------



## checkedout

Tin Falcon  said:
			
		

> In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.



Ummm... please allow me to be pedantic here.

I'm almost CERTAIN they don't have this as official policy in Florida.



Yes, I only got that far into the story before my OCD kicked in. 


(Still a cool story though)


----------



## checkedout

Maryak  said:
			
		

> A maid asked for a pay increase
> .....
> Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'


 I laughed harder than I ought to at that one!

NICE!


----------



## pcw

checkedout  said:
			
		

> I laughed harder than I ought to at that one!
> 
> NICE!



hehe why is that? you maid got a raise?  ;D


----------



## checkedout

HAHA ... no.
I'm not in the social strata that gets maids... or pool boys... or pool girls (damn).


----------



## Stan

A small boy visiting the zoo asks his Mother what is the thing hanging under the elephant. She replies "Oh, that is nothing, ask your Father."

Boy repeats question to his Father and reply is "Your Mother is just spoiled."


----------



## Brian Rupnow

Cop is on standard patrol at 11:47 PM, just "checking things out" around the city. He drives down by the beach road and sees a car parked facing the water with the windows all steamed up. Cop pulls out his flashlight, approaches the car and knocks on the side window---"OPEN UP IN THERE---POLICE!!!" Dome light comes on and window rolls down. Inside in the front seat is a young fellow having a smoke and listening to the radio. In the back seat is a young lady, setting there knitting. Cop says "Do you mind telling me whats going on here, son!!" Young fellow says---"Absolutely nothing, Sir.-----But in another 13 minutes she's going to be eighteen!!!!!"


----------



## Maryak

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think
I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.


----------



## dsquire

Maryak

Right on Bob. You sure hit the nail on the head with that one. I am going to quick pass it on before I forget what I was going to do with it. If by chance I send you a copy of it just ignore it. :big: :big:

Cheers 

Don


----------



## Maryak

An explanation of the recent Australian Governments stimulus package.

It is a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.


----------



## Artie

Yup yup.... and if you think its any more complex then that then you better revisit aussie politics........


----------



## Maryak

If you can correctly pronounce every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 98% of the native English speakers in the world. Check with your friends





 Dearest creature in creation,

 Study English pronunciation.

 I will teach you in my verse

 Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

 I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

 Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

 Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

 So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

 Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

 Dies and diet, lord and word,

 Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

 (Mind the latter, how it's written.)

 Now I surely will not plague you

 With such words as plaque and ague.

 But be careful how you speak:

 Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

 Cloven, oven, how and low,

 Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

 Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

 Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

 Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

 Exiles, similes, and reviles;

 Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

 Solar, mica, war and far;

 One, anemone, Balmoral,

 Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

 Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

 Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

 Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

 Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

 Blood and flood are not like food,

 Nor is mould like should and would.

 Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

 Toward, to forward, to reward.

 And your pronunciation's OK

 When you correctly say croquet,

 Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

 Friend and fiend, alive and live.

 Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

 And enamour rhyme with hammer.

 River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

 Doll and roll and some and home.

 Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

 Neither does devour with clangour.

 Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

 Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

 Shoes, goes, does.

 Now first say finger,

 And then singer, ginger, linger,

 Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

 Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

 Query does not rhyme with very,

 Nor does fury sound like bury.

 Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

 Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

 Though the differences seem little,

 We say actual but victual.

 Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

 Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

 Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

 Dull, bull, and George ate late.

 Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

 Science, conscience, scientific.

 Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

 Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

 We say hallowed, but allowed,

 People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

 Mark the differences, moreover,

 Between mover, cover, clover;

 Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

 Chalice, but police and lice;

 Camel, constable, unstable,

 Principle, disciple, label.

 Petal, panel, and canal,

 Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

 Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

 Senator, spectator, mayor.

 Tour, but our and succour, four.

 Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

 Sea, idea, Korea, area,

 Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

 Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

 Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

 Compare alien with Italian,

 Dandelion and battalion.

 Sally with ally, yea, ye,

 Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

 Say aver, but ever, fever,

 Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

 Heron, granary, canary.

 Crevice and device and aerie.

 Face, but preface, not efface.

 Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

 Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

 Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

 Ear, but earn and wear and tear

 Do not rhyme with here but ere.

 Seven is right, but so is even,

 Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

 Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

 Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

 Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

 Is a paling stout and spikey?

 Won't it make you lose your wits,

 Writing groats and saying grits?

 It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

 Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

 Islington and Isle of Wight,

 Housewife, verdict and indict.

 Finally, which rhymes with enough,

 Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

 Hiccough has the sound of cup.

 My advice is to give up!  



(Attributed to George Bernard Shaw, but I havent checked yetJC-G)


----------



## dvbydt

Shaw quoted it but was originally Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité, 1870-1946.

Here is another from york.ac.uk.
Word pairs
misc
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
They were too close to the door to close it. 
It was difficult to coax the coax cable through the conduit.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
The dove dove into the bushes. 
The entrance to a mall fails to entrance me. 
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. 
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 
The insurance for the invalid was invalid. 
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A cat with nine lives lives next door.
She will mouth obscenities unless you stop her mouth. 
After a number of injections, my jaw got number. 
I did not object to the object. 
We polish the Polish furniture. 
There is no time like the present to present the present. 
A farm can produce produce. 
She was reading a book in Reading.
The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 
On the road to the race, the oarsmen rowed about who rowed the best. 
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. 
The unionised gas smothered the unionised workforce.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
The bandage was wound around the wound. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian


----------



## Maryak

A little boy
  Goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

  The father Answers,
  'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
  Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
  and we met at a cyber-cafe.. 

  We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

   There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.
  As soon as I was ready to upload,

  We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,


  and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,


  nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:   

  'You've got  Male!


----------



## milotrain

Nice lady is out for a stroll in the countryside. It's a clear autumn day, not unlike today. Leaves are changing and the sun is just the late side of afternoon, going to the orange tint before settling down for dusk. As she's walking she comes upon farmer Dave out with his fat pig; Dave's the classic farmer, older than dirt but still strong still hard working. Dave and pig are standing below one of his mcintosh apple trees and pig is chewing happily on an apple. Pig then looks up at Dave, Dave smiles bends down and lifts Pig high over his head straining under the weight. Pig promptly takes an apple in his mouth and Dave lowers him down to the ground. Pig goes on chewing, enjoying himself until he looks up again. Dave bends down and for a second time lifts Pig high over his head, pig takes an apple, Dave puts him back down. This time pig seems to pause with his apple, chews it a little slower, but then looks up and again Dave bends down, clearly tired and picks pig up lifting him high into the apple tree. Finally Nice Lady cries out "Farmer Dave what on earth are you doing? There are apples all over the ground!"

"that's alright, I won't trip on them." says Dave "besides, they are mostly on the far side of the tree."

"That's not what I meant Dave" says Nice Lady "You keep picking up that pig to eat apples and you'll be here all night!!"

"Maybe so." agrees Dave "but then, what's time to a pig?"


----------



## Tin Falcon

An old guy is walking down the main street of his home town at 2 AM. The town cop pulls up next to him and asked him where he is going. He replies " To a lecture." To a lecture? the cop questions with disbelief.A lecture on what? " A lecture on the evils of alcoholism " the man replies.
 The officer really curious at this point asks," And who is giving such a lecture at 2 AM!!!"  


"My wife" replies the old man.  



Tin


----------



## Majorstrain

HALLOWEEN

A man was walking homealone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping,

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)


The coffin stops!


----------



## Ken I

I have seen this attributed to various authors so I'm not about to cite one of them.

AN ODE TO ENGLISH PLURALS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. 
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. 

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
In which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?


----------



## rake60

Gotta love the email forwards! This just in...

*I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and told my buddy:
"That's us in ten years."

My buddy replied:
"That's a mirror you idiot!"*

OUCH!

Rick


----------



## rake60

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much
will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her
husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right... I guess I'm starting to Believe all those
dumb blonde jokes.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'


----------



## o.h.cam

Walking down a country road one day,an uplander comes upon a farm where he notices in the barnyard a pig with only three legs.
He sees the farmer on the porch,and engages him in conversation pointing out that he seems to have a very special pig there in his barnyard and the farmer replies that,Yes,indeed,it was a very special pig.
",,,,yes,why a few weeks back that pig,realizing that the house was on fire one night came into the house and woke us up in time to get out and put the fire out,,,,saved us all as well as the house,,,,,"
he continued "then wasn't long after that the tractor came down off the jack onto my leg and that pig came a runnin' and rooted under that tractor,and heaved it up long enough for me to get my leg out,,,,,and then just the other day little Timmy fell down the well and that pig had enough sense to go knock the bucket down the well so's timmy could climb up the rope and save himself!!!!!,,,,,,,,
yessir, that there's aright special pig,,,,,,,"
The towny,having heard all this was amazed,and he couldn't help comment "Well thats utterly fantanstic,,,,,,,,that that pig could have accomplished all those acts of heroism,,,,,,,,especially more amazing given that he only has three legs,,,,,,,,,"
to which the farmer replies "well,darn tootin',,,,ya know,,,,,a pig that special,,,,,,,ya don't eat all at once!!!!!!!!"


----------



## jor2daje

I love these haha, especially the engineer ones so I figure I should throw one that made me chuckle the other day up, what a great movie.


----------



## Sshire




----------



## flyingtractors1

In the olden days a factory that had been very successful and productive suddenly seized up and stoped working. The local talent could not figure out the problem, so they sent for an expert from far away. he came and looked the mechanisms over (and under) and asked for a 16 pound sledge hammer with which he delivered a sharp blow to a particular axle. And, sure enough the mechanisms started working again, and he returned home. Shortly thereafter he sent the company a bill for $1000 (lots of money in the olden days). The factory managers scuffed at this exorbetent bill since they knew that all he did was hit the shaft with the sledge once, and wrote to the expert demanding an itemized bill for the $1000. The expert sent back an itemized bill; 

for striking machinery one time with one hammer


----------



## flyingtractors1

AS the story goes, the expert sent back an itemized bill:

For strking the machine one time with one sledge . . . $  1.00

For knowing where to strike  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $999.00


----------



## Ken I

What goes...

clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang-bang-bang, clip - clop ?







An Amish drive by shootiing.


----------



## Maryak

All these examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are. 
The last one might shock the socks off you.

Think a litre of petrol is expensive? 

This makes you think, and also puts things into perspective. 

Can of Red Bull, 250ml, $2..95 ... $11.80 per litre! 

 Robitussin Cough Mixture, 200ml, $9.95 ..... $ 49.75 per litre! 

L'Oreal Revitalift Day Cream, 50ml, $29.95 ........... $599.00 per litre! 

Bundy Rum, 1250ml, $51.00 .... $40.80 per litre! 

Visene Eye Drops, 15ml, $5.69 ... $379.00 per litre! 

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume, 50ml, $29 ....... $580.00 per litre! 

    And this is the REAL KICKER. 
    Evian water, 375ml, $2.95 ...$7.86 per litre! 
    $7.86 for a litre of WATER!! 

    and the buyers don't even know the source 

    (Evian spelled backwards is NAIVE!!) 



    Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

    So they can hook you for the ink!! 

    Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it but it's true; $1,040 a litre.


    $1040.00 A LITRE!!!

    So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Red Bull, Robitussin, L'Oreal or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!


----------



## tel

... you left out Lavender oil, which Mrs Tel seems to use by the gallon - @ $300 litre!


----------



## rake60

Do they still make this?






Nothing I have ever bought actually works but that *SOUNDS* like it might!

OK, I'll behave now, *OR NOT*... 

Rick


----------



## Paulsv

Here is what I use. It's really good......

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/really-good-****-penetrating-oil.jpg


----------



## Maryak

Milk and eggs



This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping at IGA for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


----------



## rake60

My Scottish family motto is "Late but in earnest".

Could that be a bad thing?






*MAYBE!* 

Rick


----------



## Groomengineering

(You dont have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which cant be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket dont get ticked-off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution  on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results!

No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

Thats some money well spent!  he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

Oh, that, says one of the workers  one of the guys put it there cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.

Cheers

Jeff


----------



## Ken I

That sort of thing happens all the time - this happened to me - I was the engineer responsible.

When I still worked at Gabriel Shockabsorbers, Mercedes Benz came up with a new paint requirement for underbody parts - it had to first be immersed in brake fluid for 48 hours - before all the normal tests (apparently they had had corrosion problems because of mechanics damaging the paint with hands contaminated by brake fluid - on a structural part like a McPherson strut, this could be leathal).

Now everone knows brake fluid is an effective paint stripper... so..

So we contacted the paint manufacture who uhmmed and ahhed and eventually came up with a two part epoxy based paint which had to be baked - we then had to install a baking tunnel etc. etc.

Eventually all the new equipment is in place, we pass all the tests and MB are happy.

Then a foreman comes in and says "Didn't anyone check our existing paint" - "No, it couldn't possibly pass the test" we chorus - well he had tested it and it passed !

Bugger !

Ken


----------



## TroyO

Heh... it happens in other bussinesses as well.

I once was part of a team that was going to have to work all weekend to re-designate 685 desktop PC's to look to a new server. "Per1" and "Per2" were being consolidated into one larger server that could handle the duties of the two old ones.

I came up with the bright idea of calling the new server "Per1" instead of "PerNew" so we would only have to change half the machines over. Hey, it got me my Sunday off.. LOL.


----------



## Tin Falcon

Years ago IRRC the cdc came to a local lab glass manufacturer and wanted microscope slides printed . the engineers worked long and hard to design a machine that would do this after many hours of R&D and many thousands of dollars spent the project was scrapped . One of the workers made a few phone calls and discovered he could do the job for a $50 investment and dried the printed slides in his home oven.On cookie sheets. cell line industries was born . It grew and was then sold I imagine for a good price to Thermo Fisher.

http://www.thermo.com/eThermo/CMA/PDFs/Various/File_9287.pdf
I was the art department there for about a year in the mid 80s
Tin


----------



## Antman

Three chicks have the same hi-power lady for a boss. They notice something strange. The boss-lady starts disappearing early in the afternoon some days. One day the boss leaves around 2:30 and the girls all decide to do the same and by 2:32 they are gone.  
  The brunette has playtime in the park with her little one, and after a fun day, reads her a bedtime story and snuggles up herself with a good book.
  The redhead goes to gym and has a workout with a boy with a sixpack and things just develop.
   The blondie zaps off to the mall and buys everything to surprise her husband with a candle-light dinner including heart shape choccies, flies off home to get all ready and hears muffled noises in the bedroom. She opens the door a crack and her husband is in bed with her boss.
   Next morning, the brunette is all starry eyed, the redhead is bubbling but the blondie is walking on eggs.  Two of the girls are up to do it again and they beg the blondie to also. 
   No way! she says, I almost got caught yesterday!


----------



## bearcar1

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond! 

1. Kidnappers are not very 
interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, 
you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- 
anywhere. 

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 
'Did I wake you?' 

5. People no longer view you as a 
hypochondriac. 

6. There is nothing left 
to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now 
won't wear out. 

8. You can eat 
supper at 4 PM. 

9. You can live without sex 
but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments 
about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits 
as a challenge. 

12. You quit trying to hold 
your stomach in no matter who walks 
into the room. 

13. You know the words to the elevator music. 

14. Your eyes won't get 
much worse. 

15. Your investment in health insurance 
is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists 
than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends 
because they can't remember them either. 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to 
a manageable size.

19. You can't remember 
who sent you this list.


----------



## chucketn

I resemble those remarks...

Chuck in E. TN


----------



## AussieJimG

My sister's children say she has eggtimers disease: she can remember things but it takes 3 minutes.

Jim


----------



## tel

Ha! Mrs Tel can remember things* FOR *three minutes!


----------



## tel

... unless it is some transgression by Yours Truly - in which case she can remember for 300 years!


----------



## ChooChooMike

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...

As we progress through to the start of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer keep plastic water bottles in my car because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW:

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider(Brown Recluse) and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


----------



## rake60

My wife thought this was hilarious. 
I thought it was strange even by *MY* standards! :







Rick


----------



## Norman

That is just friggin nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## ksouers

And now I can never shop at Lowe's again!!!


----------



## Maryak

My wife asked me to go down the street and buy a bottle of mineral water.

This was in February in Novosibirsk Siberia.

As I was getting dressed and subsequently all the way down the street I am rehearsing..................

Adeen bytilka vada mineralka pazalysta,

Arriving at the shop, there was Miss Bulldozer Tractor 1998, all 200kg of her  

Whilst she didn't have on the tights, she did have a big and I mean big white coat and a big white floppy hat.

She glared at me from across the counter and screamed in a deep and threatening contralto........... DA!!!

My knees turned to water, my carefully rehearsed speech went out the window, lastly I made a feeble attempt to point at the bottles of mineral water on the shelf behind her whilst holding money in the other hand followed by a index finger indicating I needed 1.

She reached behind and almost threw the bottle of water at me. Having retrieved said bottle I attempted to pay her.

Again I received a glacial stare designed to ensure hell freezes over followed by the scream of IDYEE, (which means go), whilst majestically pointing with an index finger, which would put your average crowbar to shame, in the direction of the cashier.

After some mumbling and fumbling with the cashier, I fled the shop feeling lucky to still be in one piece.

Don't ever complain to me about customer service in an Ozzie shop.

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## dsquire

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

Cheers 

Don 58184​


----------



## rake60

*Yes, I am rich!

  Silver in my hair
  Gold in my teeth
  Crystals in my kidneys
  Sugar in my blood
  Lead in my ass
  Iron in my blood
  and....a never ending supply of natural gas*


----------



## bronson

Don my wife and i had a good laugh at your joke that was pretty good.


----------



## steamer

Norman  said:
			
		

> That is just friggin nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



There aren't any other words for that....other than get me a bucket!

Dave


----------



## tattoomike68

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.


The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


----------



## Maryak

Too funny couldn't let it go...




CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................


----------



## Wrist Pin

Back in the days of wooden ships and iron men there was rather successful pirate who haunted the shipping lanes with his fierce band of cutthroats. A cry came from the crow's nest, "Ship off the starboard bow!! An English merchantman!!
"AARGHH! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!!" The pirates attacked the ship, defeated the crew, took the spoils and scuttled it.

A few days later, a cry from the crow's nest, "Ship off the port bow!! A French frigate!!" AARRGHH! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!!" The pirates attacked the French, defeated the crew, took the spoils and scuttled it.

A few days go by, a cry from the crow's nest, "Ship dead ahead! A Spanish galleon!!"
AARGHH! cried the captain. "Cabin boy! Fetch me my red shirt!" The pirates attacked the galleon, defeated the crew , took the booty and scuttled the ship

After this the cabin boy asked the captain, "Captain, why, when we go into battle, do you always have me fetch your red shirt??" "AARGHH!" says the captain. "That's in case I get wounded in battle, the men won't see my blood. They will continue to fight till the very end to victory!!"

One morning after a storm, the pirate ship was stuck in fog. No one could see a thing. Soon the fog lifted, a cry came from the crow's nest, "Captain!! There are ships all around us! They are all warships from England, France and Spain!! We are surrounded and they are preparing to fire upon us!!!"

AARRGGHH!!! cried the pirate captain. "Cabin boy!! Fetch me my brown pants!!!"


----------



## rake60

_*"Common Sense is like Deodorant. 
Sometimes the people who need it the most refuse to use it."*_

Should this be here or on the Safety board?  scratch.gif

Rick


----------



## rake60

A face only a mother could love?






Maybe NOT! 

I'm a horse lover and that's half horse.

Rick


----------



## GOOFY063

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be Shi-tin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware .  Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of
them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful
woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington
and
these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and  desperately
need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shi-tin me.'

(At least according to some reputable historians)


----------



## Maryak

Guys,

One of our few rules is no politics

I have removed the offending posts

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## GOOFY063

sorry guys my bad


----------



## kustomkb

My Dad made this. He thinks he's pretty funny. I'd have to agree.


----------



## Tin Falcon

Ok took a few seconds to get it. 
That is a good one.
Tin


----------



## AussieJimG

I knew I was missing something, and then I awoke in the middle of the night and it was obvious :big:

Jim


----------



## dalem9

Finely I see Dale


----------



## rake60

Was Maxwell Smart a machinist?

Sure sounds like he may have been!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPwrodxghrw[/ame]

Rick


----------



## rake60

Do you remember.....

*1970 : Long hair 
2012 : Longing for hair 

1970 : KEG 
2012 : EKG 


1970 : Acid rock 
2012 : Acid reflux 


1970 : Moving to California because it's cool 
2012 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm 


1970 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2012 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 


1970 : Seeds and stems 
2012 : Roughage 


1970 : Hoping for a BMW 
2012 : Hoping for a BM 


1970 : Going to a new, hip joint 
2012 : Receiving a new hip joint 


1970 : Rolling Stones 
2012 : Kidney Stones 


1970 : Screw the system 
2012 : Upgrade the system 


1970 : Disco 
2012 : Costco 


1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 
2012 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved 


1970 : Passing the drivers' test 
2012 : Passing the vision test 


1970 : Whatever 
2012 : Depends 

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to 
give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. 

Here's this year's list: 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994. 

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 

The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born. 

They have always had an answering machine. 

They have always had cable. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.. 
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", 
or "de plane, Boss, de plane.." 


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.. 

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of us who have trouble reading.. *


Rick


----------



## bearcar1

I prefer Friskies brand myself ................



A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. 

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. 

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." 

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. 

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. 

Two months later, her husband died. 

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" 

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."


----------



## Maryak

You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the

World needs to know their business? When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can



Now get your own back !



After a busy day I settled down on the bus from Sydney. I try to nap
As far as my destination at Maroubra. This chap sitting near me
Hauls out his mobile and starts up:- "Hi darling it's me Mark, I'm on
The bus - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had an important
Meeting - NO, not with that floozy from the office pool, with the boss.
No darling you're the only one in my life - YES, I'm sure, love you my
Babe" etc., etc. This was still going on at Bronte, when the young
Lady opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,



"Hey, Mark, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"


----------



## chuck foster

i hate the fact some people use their cell phones were ever and when ever.
example: i was just at a funeral last week for relative of mine and one of my butt head cousins whips out his cell phone and starts a business call right in the middle of the service.
i thought he was going to be the star of the next funeral.

i know this was not a joke but the above joke made me think and post this.

chuck


----------



## Maryak

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'


----------



## Canvasback

rake60  said:
			
		

> Do you remember.....
> 
> *1970 : Long hair
> 2012 : Longing for hair
> 
> 1970 : KEG
> 2012 : EKG
> 
> 
> 1970 : Acid rock
> 2012 : Acid reflux
> 
> 
> 1970 : Moving to California because it's cool
> 2012 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
> 
> 
> 1970 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 2012 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 
> 
> 1970 : Seeds and stems
> 2012 : Roughage
> 
> 
> 1970 : Hoping for a BMW
> 2012 : Hoping for a BM
> 
> 
> 1970 : Going to a new, hip joint
> 2012 : Receiving a new hip joint
> 
> 
> 1970 : Rolling Stones
> 2012 : Kidney Stones
> 
> 
> 1970 : Screw the system
> 2012 : Upgrade the system
> 
> 
> 1970 : Disco
> 2012 : Costco
> 
> 
> 1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> 2012 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved
> 
> 
> 1970 : Passing the drivers' test
> 2012 : Passing the vision test
> 
> 
> 1970 : Whatever
> 2012 : Depends
> 
> Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
> Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to
> give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
> 
> Here's this year's list:
> 
> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994.
> 
> They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
> 
> Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
> 
> Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
> 
> The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
> 
> They have always had an answering machine.
> 
> They have always had cable.
> 
> They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
> Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
> 
> Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
> They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
> 
> They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
> 
> 
> They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
> 
> They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",
> or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
> 
> 
> They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is..
> 
> Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
> 
> 
> They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
> 
> Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
> 
> Notice the larger type, that's for those of us who have trouble reading.. *
> 
> 
> Rick


----------



## Maryak

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.


----------



## Tin Falcon

You know it is a redneck wedding when the bride is registered at Cabela's or brass pro shop. 
Tin


----------



## Sshire

Must be a redneck machinist


----------



## joe d

Here's one to make our aussie members proud....


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

 "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".



One week later, Australian Dept. of Mines and Dept. of Conservation reported the following:



"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Orange in New South Wales, John Lambert, a self-taught aboriginal archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f$#@ all. John has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."


----------



## Ken I

Did you know ?

The Goldberg Brothers were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner 

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97°F. 

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.  

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. 

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. 

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. 

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. 

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show :-

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. 

Grooooan,
       Ken


----------



## rake60

*Way too risky to share with the wife!!!*

*The Man Rules *

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story. 
(I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear "the rules" 
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.  

These are our rules! 
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE! 

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 
_(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)_

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 
  We need it up, you need it down. 
  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 
  Let it be. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
  Subtle hints do not work! 
  Strong hints do not work! 
  Obvious hints do not work! 
  Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 
  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
  sad or angry, we meant the *OTHER ONE!*

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. 
  Not both. 
  If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
  We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 
  We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong. 
  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football 
  or Hockey. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. 
  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 


  But did you know men really don't mind that? 
_*It's like camping. *_


----------



## hopeless

Thanks Rick just what I needed NOT :big: at my age the idea is have naps on the couch not sleep! its too uncomfortable by 4am
Pete


----------



## peatoluser

:big: Definitely not showing the wife this!
the rule about colours reminds me of my courting days when I first met my future wife. Out shopping for a new dress I asked what she was looking for - something cerise was the reply - after a few minutes i told her I'd checked all the labels and couldn't find anything made by a cerise. back came the reply cerise is a colour, don't you know anything! To this day I still don't know exactly what colour cerise is.


----------



## Ken I

Bite your tongue.

My wife was looking at herself in a full length mirror, rather dejectedly she says..

"Look at me, I used to be young, slender and beautiful, now I'm old fat and ugly - its depressing - I'm desperately in need of a compliment here ..."

So I says "There's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight !"

And that's how the fight started.

Ken


----------



## steamer

Read most of the list TO my wife last night....laughing hysterically while doing so......she seemed annoyed : :


----------



## bearcar1

The truth NEVER works ei: .....

"No honey, that dress does not make you look fat. OLD maybe, but definitely not fat"

My head still hurts but the scars are healing nicely.

BC1
Jim


----------



## steamer

bearcar1  said:
			
		

> The truth NEVER works ei: .....
> 
> "No honey, that dress does not make you look fat. OLD maybe, but definitely not fat"
> 
> My head still hurts but the scars are healing nicely.
> 
> BC1
> Jim



I bet replacing that bent frying pan was expensive too! :big:


----------



## Maryak

steamer  said:
			
		

> I bet replacing that bent frying pan was expensive too! :big:



Guys, Guys, Guys,

There are only 2 words a man needs to know to live a life of matrimonial bliss



YES DEAR


----------



## Ken I

Then she says "Don't YES DEAR me in that tone of voice !"

Fess up - how many of you read that and heard it in your wifes voice in your head.

Ken


----------



## bearcar1

What you are saying = YES DEAR

What you are thinking = SHUT UP



and just then you realize that you got it backwards only after the EMTs and have you in the ambulance. 


BC1
Jim


----------



## AussieJimG

On the first day of a cruise, I met a bloke in the laundry ironing his sports coat.

I said that the coat looked ok to me and wondered why he was bothering.

His answer was that his wife thought it needed ironing so he figured that the
coat needed ironing more than he needed an argument.

A true pragmatist. I have found his advice worth following.

Jim


----------



## rake60

For Our Canadian Friends...

My wife is Canadian and we received this from my brother-in-law in Canada.







I guess you need to be from there to understand it. scratch.gif

Rick


----------



## steamer

Apparently I talk REALLY funny! :big:

Dave


----------



## Don1966

I had my wife ask me "do I look fat" I look at her and said " you know that is a loaded question and you know the answer better the I do" she look and me smile and said " go answer" and walked away.

Don


----------



## JorgensenSteam

Shortly after my wife and I were married, an old gent pulled me off to one side after church one day, and said "Look sonny, my wife and I have been happily married for almost 50 years".

"Wow" I said, "What is the secret to a happy marriage?"

He said "Well, she does things her way, and I do things.........her way".


----------



## steamer

UNIcastings  said:
			
		

> Shortly after my wife and I were married, an old gent pulled me off to one side after church one day, and said "Look sonny, my wife and I have been happily married for almost 50 years".
> 
> "Wow" I said, "What is the secret to a happy marriage?"
> 
> He said "Well, she does things her way, and I do things.........her way".




YUP! :big:


----------



## dalem9

Haveing raised three grils I pretty much know what and how their clothes are labled . After I remarried my new wife and I were shoping in the women clothes and she asked me if I know what the W stood for and I said yes . are you ready for this I said WIDE the rest is history .


----------



## Mosey

This Sunday is Mothers' Day as you all know. I'm hoping that the wonderful card with the "L" word on it, and the fine dinner Sunday night might distract somewhat from the new collet chuck I just ordered. I'm happily still happily married to my 1st wife of 51 years.


----------



## versatile

Hello folks,

just found this on the joe-ks.com site. 

...hope you like it, too. 


Exam question for a university physics class: Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.

One students answer: You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldnt make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up, the student replied as follows:

Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscrapers shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).

Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitors door and say to him If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.

The student was Niels Bohr - the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.


----------



## Ken I

Niels Bohr travelled to America on an ocean liner with Albert Einstein.

On arival in America newpaper reporters asked him if he had discussed relativity with Einstein.

He said "Yes, we spent several hours every day discussing relativity and I can tell you this - Einstein understands it !"

Ken


----------



## Maryak

FUNNY ONE - LINERS


The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent : It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have : The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much : those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married ... and then it was too late.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.


----------



## pkastagehand

Man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.


----------



## Ken I

Maryak  said:
			
		

> A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



Gambling is a tax you pay for not understanding mathematics.

Ken


----------



## checkedout

HA... I've always had that phrase for "The Lottery" (in whatever iteration people may participate in).

"The Lottery is a tax for people who don't understand math."


----------



## Ken I

Well all I can say to that is ..

  x! * (n-x)!
  __________
     n!

(or 15.89 million to 1 for a 6 out of 50 draw - or - 13.98 million to 1 if there's no zero))

Ken


----------



## Rayanth

I have a lot of tshirts with funny sayings, I always wear them to work to lighten themood a bit. I get some laughs, and occasionally asked how I have the audacity to wear some of them .

- It's only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
- Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
- I'm not trying to be difficult. It comes naturally.
- It's not that I forget, I just don't care.
- hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, have no fun.

And many others I can't think of off the top of my head.

-Ryan

-edited because my idiot 'smartphone' replaced half the words I typed with the wrong ones.


----------



## Paulsv

A few lines from Ogden Nash on the subject of marriage:

Marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into between one person who can't sleep with the windows shut, and another who can't sleep with the windows open.

He also said marriage was a union between a man who can never remember birthdays or anniversaries, and a woman who can never forget.

If you want to keep your marriage filled
with love from the loving cup,
when you're wrong, admit it
and when you're right, shut up.


----------



## checkedout

There are two kinds of people: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information,


----------



## mzetati

..sounds like You've hit the post button a little too soon.    



Good one! ;D ;D ;D

here's another: 

There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


Marcello


----------



## Tin Falcon

I thought there we two kinds those turned on by binary and those turned off .
I do get it and a good one though.
Tin


----------



## Ken I

And of course - half the population can't read properly, half the population can't write properly and the other half can't add up!

Ken


----------



## Maryak

>> THE RAISE!!!
>>
>> Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? 
>>
>> Boss: Sure, come on in What can I do for you? 
>>
>> Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. 
>>
>> Boss: Yes. 
>>
>> Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. 
>>
>> Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. 
>>
>> Employee: I understand you and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
>>
>> Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days annual leave. How does that sound? 
>>
>> Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
>>
>> Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you? 
>>
>> Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


----------



## rake60

Alright Now!

*Who Sent This To ME?*







:shrug:

Rick


----------



## steamer

I don't know, but I'm hanging it in my office!

 :big:

Dave


----------



## rake60

Retired man shopping with the wife:

*[FONT=&quot]After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
 Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. 
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our 
video surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. 
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted 
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.[/FONT]*
*[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]**[FONT=&quot]6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would 
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'[/FONT]**[FONT=&quot]
Security was called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'[/FONT]*[FONT=&quot]

*15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least: 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 

One of the clerks passed out.

*I know many of you who know me are thinking that I was that guy.
I'm NOT retired yet!!!! 
[/FONT]


----------



## Cogsy

A dear little old lady goes to see her doctor.

"Doctor, I'm having a problem with gas." she says with a blush, "I seem to be passing it all the time. It doesn't smell and doesn't make any noise but there's way too much of it. I've even passed gas two or three times since I came into your office! Please help me."

The doctor gives her a small bottle of pills, with instructions to take one a day and return to see him in week's time.

She returns the following week looking even more sorrowful.

"Doctor, those pills haven't helped at all!" she says, "I still pass just as much gas, and it's still silent, but now it smells simply terrible!"

"Well," says the doctor, "we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing..."


----------



## lemelman

A woman, approaching her 50th birthday, decides to treat herself to a facelift. After the surgery has healed she is very pleased with the result.
Her birthday arrives and she goes shopping.
At the checkout at the first shop she informs the cashier "It's my birthday today, how old do you think I am?".
The cashier looks her up and down. "Hmm, I'd say about 38."
"No", she replies triumphantly, "I'm 50!"

At the second shop much the same thing happens, except that the cashier guesses 41.
At the supermarket she can't wait to ask the important question as she patiently waits in the checkout queue. At last she arrives at the cashier.
"It's my birthday today" she announces, "How old do you think I am?"
"Hmm" comes the reply, "I'd say about 39".
"No" she exclaims delightedly, "I'm 50".
"Well, you certainly don't look it" replies the checkout girl.

On her way home she waits at the bus stop. Eventually a man arrives and also waits for the bus.
There is nobody else around, the bus is late, and she can't resist asking the man. "It's my birthday today. How old do you think I am?".
"I'm not good at guessing ages" he replies.
"Go on, have a go."
"Well, I don't like guessing, but I've got a method that always works."
"What's that?" she asks.
"Well, it involves me putting my hands inside your bra."

The woman is confused and bemused. She looks around; there is nobody else in sight. She makes up her mind and opens her coat. "OK" she says, "but make it quick."
He puts his hands inside her bra and strokes her breasts. He weighs them in his hands and tweaks the nipples. He squeezes them gently until the woman says "OK, that's enough, how old am I?"
He removes his hands, she buttons herself up and looks at him for a reply.
"Well" he concludes "I'd say you were 50".
"That's amazing" she says, slightly disappointedly, "how did you do that?"
"I can't do that, if I tell you, you'll get angry with me."
"No, please tell me, I promise I won't get angry."
"Do you really promise?"
"Yes, I really do promise. Please tell me" she pleads.

The man pauses, and makes up his mind. "OK then, I'll tell you" he says.
"I was behind you in the supermarket checkout queue."


----------



## Atzerath

rake60 said:


> *Way too risky to share with the wife!!!*
> 
> *The Man Rules *
> 
> At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
> Finally, the guys' side of the story.
> (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
> We always hear "the rules"
> From the female side....
> Now here are the rules from the male side.
> 
> These are our rules!
> Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
> ON PURPOSE!
> 
> 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
> _(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)_
> 
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
> We need it up, you need it down.
> You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
> 
> 1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
> Let it be.
> 
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
> 
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
> Subtle hints do not work!
> Strong hints do not work!
> Obvious hints do not work!
> Just say it!
> 
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
> 
> 1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
> Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> 
> 
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
> 
> 
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
> 
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
> sad or angry, we meant the *OTHER ONE!*
> 
> 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
> Not both.
> If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
> 
> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
> 
> 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
> 
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
> We have no idea what mauve is.
> 
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
> We do that.
> 
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong.
> We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
> 
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> 
> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
> 
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
> or Hockey.
> 
> 1. You have enough clothes.
> 
> 1. You have too many shoes.
> 
> 1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
> 
> 1. Thank you for reading this.
> Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
> 
> 
> But did you know men really don't mind that?
> _*It's like camping. *_



Dude...never having read this before I have to comment on rule n1.
A couple of moths ago I got into an argument about the toilet seat being up...I won it using the same argument...
I won zounds of arguments using some of these rules...the sweetest words my gf can tell me are "you're right"


----------



## rhitee93

Rof}  My wife really needs to understand Rule No.1
(All of them!)


----------



## Maryak

At the                                                           end of the tax                                                           year, the Tax                                                           Office sent an                                                           inspector to                                                           audit the                                                           books of a                                                           local                                                           hospital.

                                                          While the Tax                                                           Office agent                                                           was checking                                                           the books he                                                           turned to the                                                           CEO of the                                                           hospital and                                                           said, "I                                                           notice you buy                                                           a lot of                                                           bandages. 
                                                          What do you do                                                           with the end                                                           of the roll                                                           when there's                                                           too little                                                           left to be of                                                           any use?"

                                                          "Good                                                           question,"                                                           noted the CEO.                                                           "We save them                                                           up and send                                                           them back to                                                           the bandage                                                           company and                                                           every now and                                                           then they send                                                           us a free box                                                           of bandages."

                                                          "Oh," replied                                                           the auditor,                                                           somewhat                                                           disappointed                                                           that his                                                           unusual                                                           question had a                                                           practical                                                           answer But on                                                           he went in his                                                           obnoxious way.

                                                          "What about                                                           all these                                                           plaster                                                           purchases?                                                           What do you do                                                           with what's                                                           left over                                                           after setting                                                           a cast on a                                                           patient?"

                                                          "Ah, yes,"                                                           replied the                                                           CEO, realising                                                           that the                                                           inspector was                                                           trying to trap                                                           him with an                                                           unanswerable                                                           question .. 
                                                          "We save it                                                           and send it                                                           back to the                                                           manufacturer                                                           and every now                                                           and then they                                                           send us a free
                                                          package of                                                           plaster."

                                                          "I see,"                                                           replied the                                                           auditor,                                                           thinking hard                                                           about how he                                                           could fluster                                                           the                                                           know-it-all                                                           CEO. 
                                                          "What do you                                                           do with all                                                           the leftover                                                           foreskins from                                                           the                                                           circumcisions                                                           you perform?"

                                                          "Here, too, we                                                           do not waste,"                                                           answered the                                                           CEO. "What we                                                           do is save all                                                           the little                                                           foreskins and                                                           send them to                                                           the Tax                                                           Office, and                                                           about once a                                                           year they send                                                           us a complete                                                           dick."


----------



## Paulsv

The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with me as his attorney.  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'  I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'  The auditor thinks for a moment and said,'Okay. Go ahead.'  Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'  The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, don't worry, sonny, I'll give you a chance to win it back.  I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

'Want another chance?' Grandpa asks.  'I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  

At this point I start moaning and put my head in my hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' I tell him. 'This morning, when I picked Grandpa up tocome to this audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'


----------



## ChooChooMike

The mad bad-punner strikes again woohoo1


----------



## Antman

When a guy takes a chick out,  he wonders if he is going to get lucky.  The chick knows.


----------



## Mosey

Please don't ask him for more!
Marv, go to your room!


----------



## rake60

Totally WORK RELATED.....

Here's a little poem for all of the shop and department managers among us.
*
MY JOB

It's not my job to run the train, the whistle I can't blow.

It's not for me to say how far the train's allowed to go.

I'm not allowed to blow off steam, nor even clang the bell.

But let the damn thing jump the tracks....
and see who catches HELL!*

IMPORTANT NOTE: 
Do not attempt to insinuate that poem could possibly be related to any home conditions.

The *real *chief engineer just might dispatch you to another track! 
Sofas are hard to sleep on.... 

Rick


----------



## Maryak

This is funny




tp://www.pmooney.net/2010/12/my-blackberry-is-not-working

Best Regards
Bob


----------



## Admin

Maryak said:


> This is funny
> 
> 
> 
> 
> tp://www.pmooney.net/2010/12/my-blackberry-is-not-working
> 
> Best Regards
> Bob



That's pretty good. I like British comedy myself. 

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QACSo5xk3dE[/ame]


----------



## ChooChooMike

I busted up laughing on this one (Ballard Street). Not that ANY of us can relate .....





Rof}


----------



## rleete

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. 


A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...


----------



## rake60




----------



## Propforward

Good value gifts for the practical person in your life!




















http://propforward.smugmug.com/Other/propforward/i-6d5sgTs/0/XL/Hazard Fraught Page 3-XL.jpg


----------



## Antman

Last post a few months ago ... I reckon this thread deserves a bump.

So this guy really enjoys Chelsea buns and buys one at the local baker.  As he's so fond of them he gets really peeved when he finds a fly in his bun and goes back to the baker to lodge his complaint.
"No problem, don't worry,"  sez the baker,  "Bring it back and I'll exchange it for a raisin."


----------



## Rivergypsy

Here's a couple more to keep it moving


----------



## rcfreak177

I'm glad this guy loves trains as much as I like hobby machining.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lutNECOZFw

Baz.


----------



## I. Klemetti

rcfreak177 said:


> I'm glad this guy loves trains as much as I like hobby machining.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lutNECOZFw
> 
> Baz.


Looking forward to see (and hear) a video of you machining.


----------



## Tinkerer58

Johnny comes home from school and finds his parrot dead in the bottom of the cage. When his dad came home he said, dad why when birds die do their legs point upwards? Dad said, well Johnny so God can reach down take them by the legs and lift them up to heaven. Next day when his dad came home from work Johnny goes, hey dad guess what we nearly lost mum today. Hows that Johnny?? Well when I was doing my homework I heard all this noise coming from upstairs so I ran up and as I peeked into you bedroom mummy was there with her legs in the air and yelled God I'm coming!!!! If it wasn't for our gardener holding her down we would have lost her for sure dad.


----------



## aarggh

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake with two more frogs!


----------



## ChooChooMike

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

Trust your calculator. It is something to count on.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

Talking to her about computer hardware, I make my mother bored.

I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.

My job at the concrete plant just seems to get harder and harder.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.


----------



## Tinkerer58

This is a true story, ask any Aussie.
Farmer and his son were sitting at the breakfast table, the farmer goes "well young fella on Saturdee you're gonna be a man when you turn 21, so I'm gonna take ya to the big smoke and shout you a girl so you can become a real man. Now seeing ya still a virgin ya gonna have to practice."
What ya mean dad???  " Well son ya know the ole tree in the back paddock the one with the knot hole, every mornin before ya mum gets up go and practice on that."

Well soon enough Saturday came around and of to the big smoke they went. They walked into this classy joint with real pretty girls and they both sat on the plush leather lounge as the girls were marched out so he could pick one. He picked his girl and followed her upstairs and after a few minutes the farmer heard all this ruckus and screaming from upstairs, so he ran up and opened the door and said, " what the hell are ya doin son thats no way to treat a lady you can't be hitting her with the broom stick. Well dad you know how ya told me to practice on the old gum tree in the back paddock, I just wanted to make sure there were no possums in here cause the other day one nearly took the end off it during practice.


----------



## Wizard69

rake60 said:


> Retired man shopping with the wife:
> 
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
> 
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
> Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
> 
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
> 
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
> 
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
> We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
> Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our
> video surveillance cameras:
> 
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
> 
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
> 
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
> 
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
> This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
> with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
> 
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
> 
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
> 
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
> bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
> 
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
> 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
> Security was called.
> 
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> 
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 
> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
> 
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
> 
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> 
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
> 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> 
> 15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
> 
> And last, but not least:
> 
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
> 
> One of the clerks passed out.
> 
> I know many of you who know me are thinking that I was that guy.
> I'm NOT retired yet!!!!



You know this gave me a huge chuckle because I can imagine guys doing the things listed above.


----------



## Tinkerer58

Well my wife hates taking me shopping, I'm one of those people when stupid young shop assistants rather take a call on their mobile while serving you and than have trouble counting out the change I just say can you please cancel that sale and refund me the money because obviously your friends and phone are more important than my custom so I'll go somewhere else and spend my hard earned money. Or when in a department store walking around waiting for someone to serve you and they are chatting to each other I yell at the top of my voice does anyone work here or is all this stuff for free!!!!!! And our hardware chain Bunnings is the worst, no one knows anything about hardware and you spend hours in there trying to get service. So I'm bad to go shopping with and have been band from our local Bunnings when they stuffed my kitchen order up 3 times and I lost 1 1/2 weeks of my annual leave.


----------



## Lawijt

Great & very stronge bridge:

http://www.prochan.com/embed?f=e53_1351184775

Barry


----------



## slaurenson

*Understanding Engineers
*
 

*Understanding Engineers #1
**Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
*
*Understanding Engineers #2
**To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*
*Understanding Engineers #3
**A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
*
*Understanding Engineers #4
**What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
*
*Understanding Engineers #5
**The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*
*Understanding Engineers #6
**Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*
*Understanding Engineers #7
**Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
*
*Understanding Engineers #8
**An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog&#8212;now that's cool."*


----------



## Tin Falcon

You Might Be An Engineer If...

You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
You enjoy pain.
You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".
You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".
You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
You think in "math".
You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
You have a pet named after a scientist.
You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
You can translate English into Binary.
You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".
You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
You are completely addicted to caffeine.
You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".

When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.
The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.
You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
You've ever calculated how much you make per second.
Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
You understood more than five of these jokes.
You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)
tin


----------

